Do l always have to factor his embarassment into things?

[SweatySpider321]

Currently my husband doesn’t appear to be speaking to me. Apparently he is “embarrassed” at my behaviour lately. 2 recent examples he gave are 1) we were at a festival a few weekends ago, he is unhappy that l declined a can of cider that a mutual friend of ours offered me. I pretty much exactly said “thanks for the offer, l might have one a bit later”. I should have got stuck into drinking it straight away apparently and me not doing this was embarassing. 2) his auntie offered to care for our children so l can go to a GP appointment. It is a something and nothing appointment really, they just want to see me before they issue another prescription. Either l was going to take them with me or he would be back from work depending on traffic. Again l said we are ok thanks, l should be in an out. His Auntie lives a distance away and her timekeeping isn’t the best.

My perspective is he is being controlling and trying to project his feelings onto me. Increasingly l am sick of feeling like he is shaming me, for in effect not following the script / plan he has written in his head but have not been discussed with me. The argument really got going when he was super keen to say he is allowed to feel embarrassed about what l have done (what l have exactly done wrong and how to modify things going forward he can’t specify really, he keeps on saying the behaviours and actions were embarassing all round). He then went onto say l should not ever feel angry at him, as it is the same as him feeling embarrassed. He was referencing when l was annoyed about him leaving the chest freezer open the last time we went on holiday, despite the waste and issues it caused.

If he has always had this level of social anxiety, including about himself and what he says and does then he may have some social/communication difficulties. So he doesn't instinctively understand when people are or are not offended and has come up with some rules which may not make sense in all contexts or at all times. Of course he shouldn't be policing you at all. But to feel you need to have a drink when you didn't want one in order to be polite to friends is not normal thinking.

If it's recent or only focused on you then perhaps more of a control issue? I.e. he knows you were behaving totally normally but is gaslighting you. Or he was irritated by you for another reason e.g. because he's checked out of the relationship, not because you were objectively doing something unusual.

He is an absolute and utter arse!!!

If these are two very unusual one off examples then I'd leave it. BUT I highly doubt they are.

Speak to him, tell him he is being ridiculous there is nothing embarrassing about what you did

He's being ridiculous. I don't think you should factor in whatever weird thing he's going to be embarrassed about next, and you should continue to decline offers that you don't want or need, and If he acts weird about it, then you need to remember that it's on him and he shouldn't be putting that on to you or be a dick about it.
How on earth could you even begin to predict what he's going to be weird about next?

Tell him to get over himself and if you don't fancy a cider you won't have one, and if you don't think his aunt needs to inconvenience herself then you won't ask her to.
If he's embarrassed about you then he's being weird as those situations are completely neutral.

Imagine if you really did something that was truly a bit awkward or embarrassing. Doesn't sound like he would be on your side. He wouldnt cope!

He's not your teammate

My son is like this. He has OCD, anxiety and some other stuff going on. It is very difficult to live with be around and in a marriage then I can’t imagine how you can live this way. At least the mother son dynamic is different.

However if possible can you get him to seek help and have a mental health assessment? Do you feel that his actions are malicious and abusive or is there something else going on for him?

I don’t think that you should put up with abuse and I don’t think that you should be subject to this behavior but the underlying issue is relevant here. If he does have mental health concerns then he needs help regardless of whether you stay or not.

Edited to add he is responsible for helping himself. Not giving you a project to work with an abuser. But if your relationship is functional then it is worth pointing him in the direction of support before it gets worse. He clearly can’t see it for himself yet.

I was going to say something like this.

Realistically, you cannot live with someone who crawls with embarrassment whenever you do ordinary things.

If he is still not speaking to you, I would take some space for yourself. Accept plans (but assume he won’t have the children as he won’t communicate with you). Do things that you enjoy. Be matter of fact - tell people (in an unemotional way) that he isn’t speaking to you and why. Don’t protect him.

I'm embarrassed for him just reading this!

Unfortunately, I don't think if you behaved like a Stepford Wife, it would be good enough for your husband. He will find fault in anything and everything you do, because ultimately he wants complete control over you. He wants you tied up in knots, on edge and unsure of the decisions that you make. Slowly your confidence and self-esteem erodes away, to the point that you just go along with every decision you husband makes, and never questions those decisions. Even then, he will still find fault, because he wants you kept down and in line.

Your husband is not only being utterly ridiculous but he's a controlling, abusive arsehole. The silent treatment, gaslighting and controlling behaviour are abusive. Nothing you have done is reason for him to feel embarrassed, and if he does feel embarrassed, then those emotions are his to manage.

I strongly urge you to see his behaviour for what it is, and remove yourself from the marriage. It will only become worse as time goes on.

This is super controlling and abusive. When you look back at your entire relationship, how many of these "embarrassing moments" (ie him getting angry at you for being an autonomous human being) have there been?

He isn't going to change. Do you really want to stay in a relationship like this?

If he is embarrassed about someone sipping a can of cider at a festival it’s very clear he has issues . Yes this absolutely is controlling and it’s the silent treatment which is a form of abuse .

I would honestly give him an ultimatum. This is controlling, emotionally abusive and not normal. He goes for some therapy and deals with his shit or I would leave with the kids. They can't grow up thinking this behaviour is normal and to be expected from a man.

It sounds like he's got massive amounts of social anxiety. But that's not your problem to manage.

Next time he comes out with some awful embarrassment, give him a bemused look and a, "Huh. I don't even remember that." Any further comment gets met with a shrug and a "I don't know what you want me to say" expression.

I would be embarassed by his behaviour if I were you. He must be very pleased with himself that he has found a way to bully and control you that is hard to complain about... He sounds like a very unpleasant person.

Has he always been like this or just recently?

if it’s more recent I wonder if he’s cheating and his behaviour is a weird way to justify it?

If he’s always been like this I’d ask yourself what you’re getting out of this relationship because it sounds exhausting.

He was embarrassed about her not accepting a can of cider. Of all the embarrassing things you can do at a festival, refusing a drink is a new one on me 😁
OP, he is being utterly ridiculous and if it's a pattern, which it almost definitely is, then time to leave. Life will be so much more enjoyable and calm without this rubbish.

Oh I read that completely wrong . That’s even worse . No one should be drinking cider for the sake of politeness or whatever the hell his reasons are

He's using the word embarrassment to mean disapproval and he's being wildly controlling and unreasonable.

Not speaking to you is a form of abuse. He's using the silent treatment as a method of changing your behaviour. He's "training" you, so to speak.

You said no to a can of cider. This is not a big deal and actually a good idea to pace yourself with alcohol. It isn't embarrassing at all. He's nuts to be "embarrassed".

You said no to childcare he suggested, again, no big deal. Is it always about when you say no to something? He thinks you're not allowed to say no?

He sounds creepy as well as controlling. He wants you to be some automaton with no will of your own.

I don't really see this as fixable unless this behaviour is a recent development.

You don’t know this and it’s very hurtful let alone unhelpful to post this.

Sorry pressed wrong ootion. Sounds like a controlling dick..but you know that I think

Agree with this ^

Op, I used to be married to someone like this. It’s a living nightmare and won’t get better. Tiptoeing around his issues, trying to second guess what you’ve done or said to ‘embarrass’ him (which will change with the wind). Throwing word salad at you when you try to discuss it. There’s no future in it for you.

I dont actually think it is. I posted something similar in that DH doesn’t like OP and certainly doesn’t respect her. I don’t think it helps to ignore an issue and OP may want to get to the bottom of it, particularly if it’s a recent issue.

So many women on these threads seem to have absolute dick heads for husbands. His reasons for feeling embarrassed are ridiculous. You are obviously beaten down by such ridiculous behaviour. Ditch him it sounds mind numbing. Men like him really seem like a perfect example of the quote " why buy a pig for a very small sausage. Please get rid.

I don’t say this lightly but he needs to fuck off. Your life will be a succession of behaviour modifications which is exhausting. He will never be happy and you will become a tired, shadow of yourself, walking on eggshells. I notice he has already set you up to never challenge. Please get out , do not start wit the ‘he’s a good husband/father really’ and start minimising his behaviour

Neither do I. Sometimes a stark explanation of what is really going on makes you really take it on board.

I would have just taken the drink and put it to one side for later.

You were NBU but to avoid conflict it would have been the easier decision. You are definitely being controlled though and, no matter what you do, there will always be a reason for him to put you down.

Have you a way out planned or if not, then perhaps you should start planning.

Tiny things like what happened show you still have a spark left x

But how could she have foreseen that not taking the drink wpuld piss him off?!