Do l always have to factor his embarassment into things?

[SweatySpider321]

Currently my husband doesn’t appear to be speaking to me. Apparently he is “embarrassed” at my behaviour lately. 2 recent examples he gave are 1) we were at a festival a few weekends ago, he is unhappy that l declined a can of cider that a mutual friend of ours offered me. I pretty much exactly said “thanks for the offer, l might have one a bit later”. I should have got stuck into drinking it straight away apparently and me not doing this was embarassing. 2) his auntie offered to care for our children so l can go to a GP appointment. It is a something and nothing appointment really, they just want to see me before they issue another prescription. Either l was going to take them with me or he would be back from work depending on traffic. Again l said we are ok thanks, l should be in an out. His Auntie lives a distance away and her timekeeping isn’t the best.

My perspective is he is being controlling and trying to project his feelings onto me. Increasingly l am sick of feeling like he is shaming me, for in effect not following the script / plan he has written in his head but have not been discussed with me. The argument really got going when he was super keen to say he is allowed to feel embarrassed about what l have done (what l have exactly done wrong and how to modify things going forward he can’t specify really, he keeps on saying the behaviours and actions were embarassing all round). He then went onto say l should not ever feel angry at him, as it is the same as him feeling embarrassed. He was referencing when l was annoyed about him leaving the chest freezer open the last time we went on holiday, despite the waste and issues it caused.

Posts like this tend to be a drip feed, with this sort of twattery just being the tip of the iceberg. If someone had a go at me for turning down a can (and let's get this straight, he's not embarrassed, he is just finding needless ways to tell you off for nothing) I'd tell them I was sick of their pointless judgement and the next time I 'embarassed' them would be by presenting them with a divorce request.

This. It's not very subtle and easily deniable because he's just saying you embarrassed him but his claim of embarrassment is his way of making you dance to his tune.

Think how many other examples you have @SweatySpider321 where you have kept quiet or gone against your wishes/instincts because of how he will react or has reacted in the past.

Your instincts are there to protect you and those you love, please don't ignore them and let this 'man' put his wants above your needs. But be careful, he is likely to escalate when you enforce your boundaries.

He sounds like he has a screw lose!

It's not you OP. He just likes being an arsehole and belittling you.
Is this the relationship you want? Because I couldn't stand his behaviour. Instant ick. Couldn't have any respect for him.

He sounds like a twat.

I would be tempted to make my leaving plans, maybe secretly. Oh, and next time we were out together and someone asked me something, so tempted to say, "Not sure how to respond. Have to ask my other half, cos he gets embarrassed by me answering incorrectly, and then I get the silent treatment for days. So, do I want a coffee, husband?"

Your husband is a weirdo.

What’s the rest of the story, @SweatySpider321? As a pp has mentioned, this sort of thread generally reveals a vast amount of ill treatment underneath.

The behaviour you’ve spoken of so far makes no sense at all - you have done nothing remotely embarrassing so there is nothing for your husband to be ‘embarrassed’ about.

So why is he really doing this?

He can get out of the manosphere or get in the sea.

In all honesty l don’t think lm being unreasonable and he is unreasonable. This is a high traffic board with honest opinions which is often very helpful

I know right. Not even that l was drunk, out of order and obnoxious but still pushed on drinking lots of cider!

For clarity l did drink. I just like to go slow and steady, especially when drinking for extended periods of time

You are NOT responsible for him being embarrassed- that is on him. He is being controlling and very unreasonable for blaming you!

Nailed it!
You’ll probs put up with it for a while yet but one day you’ll walk.
Not speaking is a form of abuse.
Get your ducks in a row!

Ha ha, f### he's sensitive. What the hell is he going on about. He can be embarrassed but you aren't being embarrassing, I can't imagine many people coping with how sensitive he is. And no it's not the same as him defrosting the freezer and wasting money. Jeez you've got patience putting up with him.

I honestly through that i was going to read that you got wasted at the festival and was sick on someone’s lap or similar.

You know that your behaviour isn’t embarrassing and I bet he’s like this with other stuff. The fact you had to ask means that he has probably worn you down. Please consider whether you want your children growing up with a dad who behaves like this.

YANBU, bbbbut…

Theres zero point trying to convince him of your point. It will be a colossal waste of your time and energy and nerves. He IS right in that he (and you!) are ALLOWED to feel whatever you like. However, feelings aren’t facts.

That said, as above, that took me like a year of therapy to finally “get”, so just skip all that with him. It’s going to boil down to a) you leave or b) you say to yourself “fine, feel like that” and just crack on because how you’re acting isn’t unreasonable but he won’t be convinced of that, so save your breath.

His antagonistic and critical behaviour towards you is deliberately designed to make sure that you are walking on eggshells all the time, worrying about what he's going to find fault with next.

Whatever you do or don't do will be wrong. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you'd taken the can of cider, he'd have told you that you embarrassed him by being an out-of-control drunk and you shouldn't have taken it.

What he is doing to you is a form of gaslighting and coercive control.

One of the reasons I’m divorced is because whenever I had to make a decision, my automatic thought process was ‘what will annoy DH the least’. I finally realised that is not normal or healthy.

I've divorced someone for less than this. I don't tolerate idiots.

Well, he is clearly a colossal twat.

But...

He was referencing when l was annoyed about him leaving the chest freezer open the last time we went on holiday, despite the waste and issues it caused.

I think a bit more info is needed here, to know just how twattish his justification is. How annoyed were you over what was presumably a frustrating but genuine mistake? How did you show that annoyance?

I like to see both sides of the argument but he has no absolutely no argument in this.

He’s being completely U and I can’t see how he can’t see that.

Unfortunately he’ll likely say we’re just agreeing with you because we’re all women.

I don't believe that he was genuinely "embarrassed" by either of the examples you gave. Not for a second.

Coercively controlling men often respond to their wives completely normal behaviour with "you're an embarrassment", or "you embarrassed me" as a means of gradually eroding their self confidence and making them question their own reality over time. It's quite effective because it makes the victim question their own social behavior to the extent that they end up not only falling over themselves to placate their partner, but also socially anxious and wanting to isolate themselves, which in turn increases their dependence on their partner.

I fear this is the tip of the ice-berg, OP.

Even if the OP had been a real arse about this there can be no justification for saying that she embarrassed him by declining to accept a can of cider… that’s off the chart unreasonable behaviour.

Its not even rational. I can’t even grasp conceptually why not accepting a proferred drink is unreasonable. Are you expected to consume everything you are given at all times in case someone takes offence? What if someone handed you something which you were allergic to? Would you have to put up and shut up?

As PPs have pointed out this has nothing to do with the supposed offence. Its a stick to beat you with and if it wasn’t this something equally childish and petty would have set him off.

That's not the point. He told the OP she should never feel angry with him because that's the same as him feeling 'embarrassed'. She wasn't allowed to be annoyed about the freezer and all the ruined food, even though they both knew it was his fault. So basically he is controlling everything she says or does.

But you started the thread thinking and clearly very decisively that he is unreasonable
and everything we are telling you about him being a knob - you seem to also know already.

Sp don’t waste your time getting
msneyyers opinions. Trust your own and do something about the horrible
marriage you have found yourself in