Do l always have to factor his embarassment into things?

[SweatySpider321]

Currently my husband doesn’t appear to be speaking to me. Apparently he is “embarrassed” at my behaviour lately. 2 recent examples he gave are 1) we were at a festival a few weekends ago, he is unhappy that l declined a can of cider that a mutual friend of ours offered me. I pretty much exactly said “thanks for the offer, l might have one a bit later”. I should have got stuck into drinking it straight away apparently and me not doing this was embarassing. 2) his auntie offered to care for our children so l can go to a GP appointment. It is a something and nothing appointment really, they just want to see me before they issue another prescription. Either l was going to take them with me or he would be back from work depending on traffic. Again l said we are ok thanks, l should be in an out. His Auntie lives a distance away and her timekeeping isn’t the best.

My perspective is he is being controlling and trying to project his feelings onto me. Increasingly l am sick of feeling like he is shaming me, for in effect not following the script / plan he has written in his head but have not been discussed with me. The argument really got going when he was super keen to say he is allowed to feel embarrassed about what l have done (what l have exactly done wrong and how to modify things going forward he can’t specify really, he keeps on saying the behaviours and actions were embarassing all round). He then went onto say l should not ever feel angry at him, as it is the same as him feeling embarrassed. He was referencing when l was annoyed about him leaving the chest freezer open the last time we went on holiday, despite the waste and issues it caused.

To be honest OP, the only thing embarrassing in all this is his behaviour.

I'm surprised you haven't got the 'ick'! And I'd be furious if anyone left the lid open on the chest freezer, what a waste of food and money! They aren't even remotely comparable. I'll bet the people you politely declined didn't even think on it again, so he is massively projecting his insecurities onto you.
He needs to get to therapy, it's really concerning that he's refusing to speak to you over it. Very controlling and strange.

Sorry you're going through that.

Sometimes when someone utterly refuses to accept their own unreasonableness, it can be a head-fuck in itself.

You’re left wondering if you’ve missed something critical as the way you see it, there’s no question about where the problem lies, yet they seem genuinely incapable of seeing things the way you do.

And from there, it’s actually a really big deal to accept that your partner is genuinely detached from reality, and can’t be reasoned with like a normal person.

So I understand why you’re here asking the question. And you’re not wrong. It’s him, not you.

This. It sounds like the thin end of a wedge that involves something else.

Either he has his eye on another woman (as this is classic behaviour) or he has been watching videos about subjugating women.

This is not the behaviour of a person that values you. I expected him to be upset about you dancing on tables, pissed up at a wedding or something.

There is more to this and it's not good. Time to start digging.

This is quite odd. I wonder how long you've been married, as presumably this isn't brand new. Sounds like you might need some counseling intermediary.

Just for context, I’ve been with my husband over twenty years and he has never once said he is embarrassed by me or my behaviour, despite me being embarrassed by myself sometimes! Those times I’ve said “argh that was embarrassing!” He has reassured me/complimented me/ had a giggle with me about it or made me laugh.

we’ve made each other angry on many occasions and argued etc, but he’s never once said I’m not allowed to feel anger even when he has disagreed with me about stuff. Eg things his family do or say often make me angry, we disagree on how to react to it all but I always feel heard, loved and respected despite the different opinions.

i hope you are ok 💐

OP, he is either trying to make you feel bad, which is deliberate, or dislikes you so much everything you do annoy and embarrass him. Either way, he does not like you or care for you. He is basically generally embarrassed of you - let it sink in. He is embarrassed to have you as a partner, to be seen with you or to be associated with you. This is what his behaviour is about.

I would seriously think about ending this relationship.

Not speaking, ignoring is a form of horrid abuse - much worse than shouting!

Well her husband is clearly trying to mess with her head, and she is rightly coming on her to test her version of events and get some support from other women who might have been there themselves or can see the situation more clearly from the outside.

Being shouted at or being on the end of the silent treatment are both not that nice.

I disagree with lots. What's the point in going on about the freezer past the annoyance at the time of realisation? Presumably, you don't think he did it on purpose. I wouldn't want to be shouted at for doing something that was an accident.

He is behaving awfully though, silent treatment, and accusing you of being embarrassing when you...aren't.

It's all very tit for tat. I am not sure how you break out of these destructive cycles, I have used Bruce Mazik's 'Conflict Cure' which was very helpful, the books by the Gottman's are also good. I'd start there and perhaps get support yourself, as he sounds like a complete arse and the behaviour patterns between you are quite toxic.

Yes, this is controlling. But its also weird. Such a strange thing to be annoyed about which suggests to me he is teying to distract you. If hes angry and not talking to you, he doesn't have to go to that event, do that chore, tell you where he went for dinner....

This happened to me. It was at Wimbledon when Andy Murray won for the second time. My ex told me I was embarrassing sheltering under a bush from the rain on the walk down - other people were doing the same. He treated me with contempt all day n generally. That evening two identical phones fell out of his pockets, one being his burner - he obvs wanted to be there with someone else n couldn’t stand that it was his family he had to be with. We had young kids at the time.

Why are you with him?

He has a seriously weird, self-centred world view.

You are allowed to decide,or not, whether to accept a can of cider without having to consider whether he would be embarrassed by your choice. ( And, if you had accepted instead of declining, he might still be telling you he was embarrassed by your choice.)

I'd bin him.

Nah, embarrassing had you gone to your GP appointment naked, singing loudly with a firework up your bum. Even then it would be your embarrassment not your husbands.

He's being really odd. Is he trying to control you and just not very smart about it? He does sound like he's not liking you much at the moment, nitpicking and well, finding fault that isn't even there. At least you sound aware of this behaviour being unacceptable. Can you live with it for the rest of your life?

He sounds worse than a five-year-old.

Those aren't things to be embarrassed by. Honestly you don't have to people please

You’re married to a controlling, gaslighting, arsehole of a husband. Seriously 🤦🏻‍♀️

He's a petulant, childish tosser. Does he have any good qualities?

LTB

Hate to say OP but sounds like resentment not embarrassment. Resentment is like a black mould to a relationship. It's really difficult to come back from.

He can feel embarrassed if he wants. They're his feelings.

And as his feelings, and as an adult, they are for him to manage and not spill them out all over you.

You're right in that he is projecting his feelings all over you, trying to make you responsible for them, which you're not, and he is being (or trying to be) controlling.

You are doing absolutely nothing wrong, and he can choose to feel any way he likes about it, but not talking to you and silent treatment is emotionally abusive, or at very least indicative of extremely poor emotional maturity.

Is he a massive push over in life? His responses seem people-please-y to the extent of being a complete doormat.
There's zero obligation to accept "help", "favours" or "offers" that one doesn't want, and you appear to have declined perfectly politely.

Life is short. He needs to agree to couples therapy or end your marriage. This might sound extreme but he will get worse and the kids will suffer too hell

He’s the idiot!

What a bizarre dickhead.

Has he always been as mad as a box of frogs or is this a recent development?