DH holiday misery - he’s fed up with the kids

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Writing this from what should be a dream holiday.
2 kids (3&4) who are generally terrible listeners, don’t care for consequences, don’t do as they’re told unless asked a million times. I am a laid back parent probably too laid back - but I also think they’re still young. DH however is not. He believes they’re should be sitting at the table speaking politely and enjoying family dinners peacefully every night.

he’s not enjoying himself one bit, kids are over excited, dysregulated, tired, a but run down but generally having a really lovely happy time. DH is so fed up, keeps saying it’s a waste of his time and money; how it’s ridiculous they just want me all the time, keeps hurrying then up like tonight trying to get them out and he says things like ‘we’re nit fucking around’ which I think is awful. He’s taken himself off to her tonight with no good night to anyone or omoffer if any help it’s feeling like he just Hayes his life!!

are aby 3/4 year olds that well behaved and eat everything ik their plate and don’t refuse food and have nice family conversation over lunch?

I echo this. The dh ( and to be fair, many posters) are putting it on the op to sort. And then he also swans off for some me time because he can't cope?? If he wants it to change, he can instigate it. In fact op, agree with everything he's said and then ask what the plan is (he won't have one).

I think with young children you have to adapt your own routines. You might like to eat later in the evening but that generally doesn’t suit young children - eat earlier, even if it’s 6pm. Have activities for your children to take away the boredom of sitting at the table - colouring books/sticker books, etc.

But also have boundaries - you need to walk beside is, standing still while we apply sunscreen, quiet voices here and so on.

Op has said they're both fien at school. Mine are little angels at school but I spend mealtimes here saying sit still, stop squabbling etc because they know they have to rein it in at school and I won't say mask, but basically.

OP where are you+. You say dream hol but I'm guessing abroad somewhere with a reclarant cop aren't, not sticking to the kdis schedule and expecting your family to be somehow different to your family.

And your husband is failing to take any responsibility for his part in it. Of course they're playing up. Daddy is slamming and stamping and swearing. At an age where they copy!

Try and get onto a decent schedule do you're not eating late, head down and battle through the you need a proper talk at home.

Does he actually want to be part of this family?

It never ceases to amaze me the men (and it's always men in my own experience) who expect preschool children to behave like 35 yr olds.

Three and four is too young for some of the comments on here about their behaviour. Not all kids mature at the same rate, they'll get there, I'm sure. Dad sounds like an ejit.

We’re currently on holiday at the moment with a 2 and 3 year old, it is hard work !

They’re 4 and 3. No holiday is a dream with kids that age. Your problem is that your DH is a big baby.

Yes, it is normal for them to sit nicely for lunch or dinner and chat with you, and to have both parents enforce these expectations.

It sounds like he is having to do all the nagging which sounds awful. No wonder he is throwing a strop.

I never found holidays much fun with that age though and I wouldn't go unless they had a very flexible holiday club (which means we mostly stayed home).

You’re raising them to be like this and you’re surprised he’s fed up? Parent your kids!

Sorry I am a little confused. How is the children's behaviour a surprise to their Dad? Does he not spend time with them normally? He is their parent too.

I do think you and DH need to sit down and discuss expectations and exceptions. Also how you as a team are choosing to deal with the inevitable times they don't do as they are told.

Holidays with under 5s are hard work. You'll laugh about it in years to come & have very fond memories....but my god it's hard work. Just try & ride it out & think about the many future benefits (family memories, becomes easier with practice, widens kids world view etc).

Will they get there when OP admits she’s probably too laid back? Parenting seems to be an optional extra for far too many these days sadly.

They are good when their on routing but of course when we’re eating late and they’re exhausted from a fun day I can accept they’re going to be hard work,

Why are you "of course" going to be eating late? Why are the children exhausted? Those are both things that are within the remit of you and your DH to change.

I also suspect describing this as a "dream holiday" is part of the problem. No one's dream holiday involves "defiant" 3 and 4 year olds.

Of course they can sit at a table and use manners. I wouldn't expect them to eat everything.

He is their parent too. He’s not parenting he’s losing his temper like a small child.

Your DH shouldn't be swearing at the kids.

That said they should be able to sit for a meal, do you eat out at home? Do you have stuff to entertain them? I always have a bag of colouring, puzzles, pens etc when we're on holiday and we try to eat at a decent time. We also tag team a walk round if needs be so the other parent can have a bit of quiet time and time to enjoy their drink!

Ours are a bit older so we eat at 7pm most nights, even in Spanish cities we've always managed to find places to get dinner at 5-6pm if the kids were hungry. We don't overly treat the kids with food on holiday - yes they can have an ice cream or a cake mid afternoon but by the time we get to dinner they are hungry and want to eat.

A 'laid back parent' ? That doesn't sound like it's working .

I think your husband needs to relax a bit. It sounds like it's his sour mood ruining the holiday, not the children. Is he usually like this at home, is anything going on that would make him more moody like work stress etc? Holidays with young children are very different to holidays pre-kids and maybe his expectations were too high.

Can you bring any activities out to dinner to help keep the children entertained whilst waiting for food, like colouring books?

I would be more concerned about the adult man allowing himself to misbehave.

There is no excuse for it. What kind of holiday do you think OP is having. Her DH have made it abundantly clear that she is 100% responsible for their children and is having to manage his behaviour. He needs to grow the fuck up and think about anyone other than himself. Absolutely pathetic behaviour.

There's nothing relaxing about a holiday with a three year old! Nothing. I have four DC so been through it four times and it was always grim.

You don't get peace to relax until they are asleep.

This. Teaching children good manners needs to start when they are young. No one likes out of control kids.

She’s the one who wants to back off and let them be feral.

OP, can he explain WHY he thinks their behaviour is your fault and not his? He needs to start taking responsibility as their parent. He also needs to stop swearing at them.

You need to start parenting or else you going to have badly behaved children. At their age they know how to behave. However you need to make it easier for them so easy food early and things they like to do. You sound like you got the wrong holiday for them. Your husband probably needs to relax Abit but sounds like he fed up of being the only one patenting. So I'm answer you both wrong in different ways.

Are you eating out or in your own accommodation? 3 and 4 year olds can easily sit and eat at their own table if they are used to it. Mine sat at the table with us in their high chairs from babies so it was normal for them by age 3. If yours aren't used to it then I would start trying it more when you are back at home. They probably won't just do it every night on holiday if that isn't their normal routine.

If you are eating out that's a different matter. I didn't like taking them out to restaurants etc much at that age as there was a lot of waiting around. We always had to take colouring or other activities.