How awful was this parenting failure? Be honest

[Rubbishmymm]

I am feeling physically sick after something that happened today and I can’t stop thinking about it.

My child (3) was extremely (understated) excited to meet cousin at an adventure park today. Been talking about it all weekend and this morning all excited getting dressed etc.

The topic referred to below is hugely sensitive to me for context and very raw.

Anyway, when I met my sister and pulled up on the car park, my toddler is beyond happy, waving and desperate to get out of the car. As I pull up my sister pulls down her window and briefly mentions something relating to wider family (who were also meeting us there). It was a massively sensitive topic for me and I asked her to leave it for now but she didn’t. I could feel myself just feeling cross and exhausted after driving a reasonably far way and I just snapped and said I can’t deal with this I’m just going to go home. Toddler’s face absolutely crumbled and was clearly confused and sister then she was sorry and she didn’t mean to mention the topic and we can talk about it later. I said ok and then we all got out of the cars.

Toddler seemed to have a good day but I keep replaying the moment of disappointment and sadness they must have felt. I feel utterly terrible. I guess in posting I’m hoping for some words of comfort even though I know I don’t deserve them. I’m a single parent so nobody here to discuss this with tonight.

The OP is aware of this point, hence saying she knows she shouldn’t have and she feels terrible.

OP, sounds like you’ve been through a lot and you’re doing your best to hold it together for everyone. Yes, it was unfortunate toddler heard, but they need to develop resilience in life and it won’t be the last time they get mixed messages.

You’re castigating yourself for a non event here. Your daughter will have forgotten and came to no harm

This was not a "parenting failure". Your toddler was briefly very disappointed. Then they had a great day and would have forgotten about that moment. Everything is fine.

You can't expect to protect your toddler from feelings of disappointment at all times. It's not realistic. And probably not good for them!

Just talk it through with him and explain how you felt and that you are sorry you had that reaction, good learning experience, none of us are perfect

In the great scheme of things this is of no importance. You had a good day im the end. Forget it and move on.

Genuinely, are you not well at the moment? This is such a huge overreaction over something that didn't even happen, I can only see this being so upsetting to you because you're not well, as I know I have a tendency to get all in my own head when unwell. I get that your sister not dropping the topic immediately upset you, but your child is 3, and even if this was a monumental event for them, they're not going to be scarred by you saying no.

What would be the ever-loving point of that? A three year old isn't going to a) remember what happened and b) have any kind of understanding as to why mummy was upset then and is upset now!

I Feel For You! family members are definitely not alone in this situation! This is not parenting failure but enforcing your boundaries because some things should be kept private and not discussed with children present. I think you did the best thing in the moment.

You did nothing wrong. I'm struggling to see the need for validation here.

wtf? I thought you were going to say you actually went home and then yes that would have been a dickish thing to do. But you literally did nothing other than get irritated with your sister and it was misunderstood by your toddler for what, less than a minute? If you feel awful about that I would say you need to keep an eye on your tendency towards over protection.

This is too true, my DD broke down when I made “the wrong type of pasta” once. They’re mega drama llamas.

Please don't be so hard on yourself !! You managed to still go despite your sister triggering something for you and your toddler obviously had a great day. When we have moments like that followed by overwhelmingly positive moments then the bad stuff will be all forgotten. It will be a blip on the radar. Don't feel bad, you're a wonderful mother and you're doing great .

You sound very dramatic.
Firstly by reacting the way you did, and secondly for writing this post about it.

I’m sure she generally does. I think we are only human, kids are resilient and to a toddler mum is the centre of their world so the trust thing won’t be an issue.

the fact she feels guilty shows what a great mum she is, there will be more moments where this happens in life but it’s a good learning point in life as she gets older on how to deal with conflict and that no one is perfect

Huh? Why would he not understand? He’s 3, he could be staring school in September, concerning if he doesn’t understand basic emotions.

frame it in an age appropriate way of
course. Ie ‘how did you feel when I said X yesterday? Mummy was feeling X(basic emotions, no need for details) and I reacted badly, I’m sorry I upset you, I’m working on better ways to deal with this emotion’ . Good for kids to see that mum is human and also working on stuff

This

Agreed. Some people I dispair.

The child is unlikely to remember this with cognitive memory, yes. That doesnt mean it wont be stored in their body, all situations like this when the child doesnt get support afterward will. The fact that they did stay on for the day and the child did have a good time will by itself not erase the shock of mother arguing and going into panic attack big enough to want to cancel plans. There needs to be age appropriate explanation and apology.

Yes, this. Explain, apologize, acknowledge child's feelings. Dont leave them alone with unsettling feelings, possibly wondering /unconciously/ what have they done wrong.

Why misunderstood? She said she was going home and the child thought they were going home.

You're fine. Your toddler enjoyed their day. The rest of the day would have overshadowed it. Adventure parks are overwhelming for that age (in a good way!). You felt how you felt when your sister brought up that topic. Totally normal and it's just life playing out. It's good to leave a bit of room for normal life things happening. Not easy being a single mum. Hope your little one was all tired out and you got a well deserved rest!

It sounds like a horrendous parenting failure, I expect social services are on their way over now to remove your child to a children’s home for such terrible behaviour. Is that what you’re expecting to hear? It wasn’t a parenting failure, it’s life. You handled it fine.

Agree with this

Your DSis' comment was either (a) so awful it merited leaving or (b) not, but your reaction was inconsistent and confusing for a child

Me too. And with that perspective as context, I honestly don't think this is a big deal. Child experienced brief disappointment which quickly faded. He then had a lovely day.

My parenting fail was letting my then 8yo ds watch Jaws. He had nightmares for days, and it's become a family joke now he's 15 (and watching films that are far worse!)

I could write a book on parenting fails though. I think most people could, if they were honest.

I also let my ds watch Jaws when he was young. He's 30 now but every holiday until mid teens he used to ask if there were sharks in the sea and sometimes the swimming pool!