How awful was this parenting failure? Be honest

[Rubbishmymm]

I am feeling physically sick after something that happened today and I can’t stop thinking about it.

My child (3) was extremely (understated) excited to meet cousin at an adventure park today. Been talking about it all weekend and this morning all excited getting dressed etc.

The topic referred to below is hugely sensitive to me for context and very raw.

Anyway, when I met my sister and pulled up on the car park, my toddler is beyond happy, waving and desperate to get out of the car. As I pull up my sister pulls down her window and briefly mentions something relating to wider family (who were also meeting us there). It was a massively sensitive topic for me and I asked her to leave it for now but she didn’t. I could feel myself just feeling cross and exhausted after driving a reasonably far way and I just snapped and said I can’t deal with this I’m just going to go home. Toddler’s face absolutely crumbled and was clearly confused and sister then she was sorry and she didn’t mean to mention the topic and we can talk about it later. I said ok and then we all got out of the cars.

Toddler seemed to have a good day but I keep replaying the moment of disappointment and sadness they must have felt. I feel utterly terrible. I guess in posting I’m hoping for some words of comfort even though I know I don’t deserve them. I’m a single parent so nobody here to discuss this with tonight.

Ahhhhh big hugs to you OP, I remember doing something similar and my LO's crushed face kept replaying in my mind. You're human, it was a one off - it's fine.

You could do with some anger management courses yourself if you think “being human” is a free license to behave so poorly.

Toddler will have forgotten it as soon as they realised the day was going ahead as planned. The fact that you’re feeling sick about it shows you’re a
brilliant and caring mum, which suggests you’d have said and done all the right things. Try to put it aside.

As a one off it’s not great but totally a none event. As someone else said if you are repeatedly the parent who makes a dramatic “that’s if we’re OFF” statement they’ll likely become anxious over you’re reactions

This. Keep it in proportion - it was a moment of disappointment that you then rowed back on so didn't materialise. Child had the promised day out.

Do your family make a habit of pushing at your boundaries like this?

That it?

Agree with everyone else, this is a non event for your child and they won't remember it.

When I was 3 my mum was taking me to see a friend for a playdate. We were walking and she told me not to jump in a puddle as I was dressed so nicely. I jumped in the puddle - she took me home, sent me to my room, slammed the door and pretended she had gone without me. (My nanny lived with us so she knew I wouldn't think I was home alone).

THAT was a parenting fail and left a lasting impression on me. I still remember crying my eyes on my bed after I thought she had left.

I think you should be pleased.
You've had a learning moment. You've learnt that it would be awful to ruin your child's day when they've done nothing wrong. So you probably won't do it again. And you and your sister restrained yourselves so the day was not ruined. Yay!

Child will be ok. It’s built a little more resilience.
Is it likely that sister knew she was pulling your strings? If so practice grey rocking her.

Storm in a tea cup.

Disappointment is a part of life and learning to deal with it is an important life skill.
Things happen where you will sometimes need to drop everything and go even when DC are having a great time and they will feel disappointed and that can’t be helped sometimes, you can’t beat yourself up over it.

I thought you were going to say dd ran out of the car and nearly got run over.

No kidding.

Same

Look the point is you didn't turn around and go home. You stayed and your toddler had a lovely time.

I would mention to my sister going forward don't spring information like that on me again it wasn't fair.

Hopefully your sister will have learned to not push your boundaries again

In all honesty I’m sorry but I think that’s really mean and cruel. Your toddler doesn’t deserve to be messed around with like this, I can tell you feel bad though so hopefully you won’t do it again. Young children need consistency and something like that is crushing to a young child.

Complete non-event. Your toddler experienced a moment or two of confusion/disappointment before getting on with their fun day. But the language you’re using and the headspace you’re giving to that fleeting interaction is really overblown and emotive, OP, which suggests a lot of your feelings in the moment were caught up with your feelings over whatever the family thing is. And you’re still dwelling on it, which has nothing to do with your child or how their day panned out.

As a PP suggested, you need to be mindful of not behaving erratically or changing plans on a whim because you’re feeling emotional. Small children depend for their stability on their parents’ word being reliable. But today was really nothing. It seems more pressing to resolve the wider family situation that’s upsetting you so much, rather than fretting over your toddler’s imagined momentary disappointment.

As a one off this will not even be blip in your DC's life in a week (and is most likely already forgotten). But if you do this sort of thing often, it will have a pretty negative impact.

Did you explain to your toddler that you didn't mean it, it was nothing they'd done, explain you were upset, and apologise for upsetting them?
If so, you're human. Parents make mistakes too. It's good for your child to see a mistake, see you repair it and model how to move on.

For me, a couple of things.

I try hard not to build excitement for days in advance. Toddlers have no concept of time, and you have zero control over life.

so to promise something which involves others is risky territory.

I try to operate day by day, then if kids get sick, things break down, places close, it blows away, it’s less of an upset.

So on from that, you are your toddlers world, nobody else, so if you follow above, remove yourself and have a wonderful day with your little family.

kids live in the moment, look at the many Mumsnet threads of funny child memories or best bits.

my friends took three months out and took their 3 year old abroad to a beautiful island for two months.

she remembers??? The smell of the rubbish tip. Stinking.

stop giving yourself a hard time over a momentary slip up. if you repeatedly put yourself under pressure like this you will find parenting a lot harder which isnt fair on you or your child actually.

So nothing happened other than for a few moments your 3yr old looked disappointed???
Move on...... 🤦‍♀️

I'm wouldn't give this another thought. At 3 she will likely not remember this. We lived in another country when my LO was 3 for a year and she can barely remember a thing!

You realised how horrible that would be for your toddler, you didn't do it, you will be more mindful and won't do it in future.

For those saying 'non event' - it isn't for a small child and whoever said it rocks their confidence in trusting adults will do what they say and follow through on promises massively, absolutely - even if it is just the threat of it, it's still horrible.

My mother was like this, trips could be ended before they'd started, promises broken, goal posts moved endlessly and most of the time it was for reasons way beyond a childs control. It makes you super aware of how powerless you are, and can absolutely affect you as an adult.