How awful was this parenting failure? Be honest

[Rubbishmymm]

I am feeling physically sick after something that happened today and I can’t stop thinking about it.

My child (3) was extremely (understated) excited to meet cousin at an adventure park today. Been talking about it all weekend and this morning all excited getting dressed etc.

The topic referred to below is hugely sensitive to me for context and very raw.

Anyway, when I met my sister and pulled up on the car park, my toddler is beyond happy, waving and desperate to get out of the car. As I pull up my sister pulls down her window and briefly mentions something relating to wider family (who were also meeting us there). It was a massively sensitive topic for me and I asked her to leave it for now but she didn’t. I could feel myself just feeling cross and exhausted after driving a reasonably far way and I just snapped and said I can’t deal with this I’m just going to go home. Toddler’s face absolutely crumbled and was clearly confused and sister then she was sorry and she didn’t mean to mention the topic and we can talk about it later. I said ok and then we all got out of the cars.

Toddler seemed to have a good day but I keep replaying the moment of disappointment and sadness they must have felt. I feel utterly terrible. I guess in posting I’m hoping for some words of comfort even though I know I don’t deserve them. I’m a single parent so nobody here to discuss this with tonight.

It depends what the matter was. It sounds like something thar she considered important!

That wasn't a parenting failure. Don't be so hard on yourself.

But it wasn’t ruined. Don’t worry about it.

Your child will experience negative emotions in life. You can't prevent them all. Move on.

You sound stressed and ovewhelmed, OP. Thats ok, taht happens.

We cant say how un/reasonable you were to get a panic so big that made you say you have to get out of that situation. Its clearly something that pushes you over the edge.
Once you calm down have a think about why you reacted this strongly. If you are able to, get perhaps some therapy. Or perhaps arrange for a bit of help and get some time to yourself to recharge.

Explain to your child that you got really stressed and thats why you wanted to run away. Say sorry I didnt mean to ruin your day by going home without seeing your cousin. That why I got over it and carried on with your day.

The child got a fright but if you make sure they understand you understand them and acknowledge their shock and dissapointment, it will be fine.

Interesting that PPs dont seem to understand that its about the moment of shock that she gave to her child.
The fact that they did stay on is kind of not that relevant.

Only read OP's posts.

I'm sorry your sister touched a nerve.
It absolutely will not harm your toddler to have experienced that moment of disappointment and to see that it turned out OK in the end.
Your child will have to learn to handle disappointment that doesn't end well e.g. popcorn machine not working in the cinema, the ride outside the supermarket isn't working, their friend is unwell and can't visit, they lose something precious.

More worrying is why you think you don't deserve any words of comfort.
Do you generally not feel good enough for your child?

But a child that young probably won’t internalise or even remember it. Their whole life is a series of emotional ups and downs as they grow and learn to understand the world.

I think pps understand this and can have perspective that ultimately the child had a nice day. How the mother feels in ‘that moment’ is for her to get over. The child was fine. The child will experience lots of mini disappointments in life, and some of them will be because a good parent often has to say no. Parents can’t break their heart over every single one. That way madness lies.

Did your sister know it was such a sensitive subject that even raising it would have you want to go home? I’m guessing not.

yes you need to be careful what you say in front of children and think of the impact on them, but we all make mistakes and you reacted in the moment, you still stayed and I’m sure your child had a great day.

If you’d gone home that would have been awful. But you didn’t, so it’s fine.

Massive overreaction. Your little one is fine op, honestly stop beating yourself up over it.

Just the fact that you have sat and thought about it shows that you are a great mum able to see things from your toddler's perspective, Did she have a great time with her cousin and was she happy for the rest of the day? I am sure she had a lovely day and barely remembers what you said. If not too much time has elapsed, you could try talking to her about it but with little ones it is better to do that in the here and now

Absolutely nothing to beat yourself up about! I’m sure DC forgot about it instantly.
There’s no point punishing yourself. You’re only human and I’m sure you’re most unlikely to do it again.
You’re obviously a very loving Mum and if anyone tells you differently here, take no notice. ❤️

Jesus what a total overreaction. And with someone who is obviously sensitive about it.

Who is going to go through life with no disappointment whatsoever?

I doubt your toddler is dwelling on the moment of disappointment - it's probably completely forgotten. Ultimately though children need to learn to deal with disappointments in life. I'm not suggesting you set these up deliberately, of course, but you can't protect your child from these things forever. And at that age, they are easily distracted. Obviously doesn't apply for what happened today, but maybe something to think about if things do go awry in future.

Appreciate that the topic was sensitive. But it's a very strong reaction, not thinking about your child and their feelings in that situation. And now feeling physically sick is again an over reaction.
I appreciate you probably have underlying factors I don't know, but my mother was like this. Anything slightly stressful was a massive drama and it meant I grew up very emotionally deregulated and terrified to tell her absolutely anything because I knew it would make her spiral.
You're recognized it now, please work on it.

I genuinely thought you were going to say you nearly or had ran your toddler over because you were distracted. That would be awful. But this is not the end of the world. Yep it’s not ideal but if you worry like this over every little time you’re human you won’t make it through the next many years of parenting. We’re all human. Shit happens. The most important thing is learning not to make a big deal out of it and moving on.

I’m really glad your sister changed her mind. She really shouldn’t have done this to you on a nice family day out. I’m sorry about your daughter but even if you’d left (I assume to protect yourself), I’m sure you could have done something really exciting to help your daughter get over it.

I think as long as you apologised to your toddler in the moment and told them everything is okay, then its fine

I'm sure how you're feeling is a good lesson for it not to happen again!

On a separate note, kids can and should deal with some disappointment.
Consistency of care and kindness is absolutely key OP. You cant shield them from disappointment, and it wont be a parenting fail when they do. It makes us sad as parents to see our kids sad...but you must allow them to feel this when the times come.

Meanwhile young girls are being sold in Afganistan and elsewhere. This is a non-event and you are being ridiculous

What an absolute none event. “Thought” “was going to be”. Nothing actually happened? Pointless

I don't think thats the greatest standard of comparison tbh..I get that you mean there are far worse things happening to children, but that doesn't mean everyone else can go wild!

She's upset about upsetting her child. Its not that crazy

Oh god I was reading that and thinking that you’d actually turned the car around and gone home! Your toddler won’t even remember that few seconds after a lovely day. Stop worrying about it!

No it's not.. noone can tell if you have over reacted or not