DD with friend’s family for 8 hours only ate crisps

[Z0rr0]

My DD was invited to an activity with friends today. She ate a toasted English muffin before she left at 8.15. By the time she came back at 4pm she’d only been offered some crisps to eat. I’m grateful the family took her out (I paid for her ticket which was less than a tenner) and hosted her at their home, but I just can’t fathom not offering her some lunch.

Why is it rude?

Lots of people are saying that, but nobody has actually explained why.

If my 17 year old daughter had their friend over I would expect the two 17 year olds to help themselves to food/sort their own lunch together

I had a baby at 17, on my own. I think I could cope with only eating crisps for a few hours.

The rule is that you wait to be offered; it isn’t polite to ask people to give you things/food. The flip side of that is that it is polite to offer at least a drink - and food if over a mealtime or a long time - to guests in your house. But it is rude to ask for something, basically because it puts the person you’re asking in a difficult position if they want to say “no”.

My 17yo would definitely be embarrassed if she had friends over and I offered them a sandwich, because she would see that as her role. It would be a passive aggressive dig that she hadn’t done it. It would be making her look like a baby in front of her friends in her mind.

It's not rude at all. It's just something people are saying to make the parents at fault.

Also for those wanting to change their vote which I suspect is quite a large amount of people upon learning the OPs daughters age you can click on the alternative option.

I would expect 17 you to sort themselves out tbh. It might be awkward to say to the parents your hungry but it would expect a 17yo to tell their friend who could then make some lunch. But tbh crisps all day sounds not abnormal for teens hanging out

I thought you were talking about a young child! She’s an adult, if she was hungry ask for food. If they were out she could and should have brought her own food. Why are you even involved? Surely she make her own plans? If my teen has friends round they would get themselves food when they wanted it, unless they had been invited specifically for a meal or something. She makes her own lunch at home I’m assuming?

Because asking for things from others is rude (unless it’s an emergency). I have had friends (sometimes with small children) who come in and ask for a hot drink, something for the child etc and I find it bizarre.

If I had done this growing up my mum would have been mortified. I tend to find people that do it to be cheeky fuckers in general and I am shocked that some find it acceptable.

See also poking through the cupboards and fridge. I wouldn’t expect even family members to do it.

Society has so many weird rules that I will never understand.

If I'm hungry I will ask for something to eat. Similarly to if I'm thirsty.

Mine often have friends over while I am working now they are secondary age. So they know the arrangement is that they can help themselves and their friends to food but they need to make it themselves. They are 12 and 15 and make toasties /beans on toast /egg on toast /pancakes /noodles etc

I wouldn't think to remind them really, unless I happened to be making myself lunch and then I would offer everyone

I get it OP because I am a food offerer regardless of the age of guests (I put it down to my Irish dad’s family!).

Exactly this. My 16 year old would get food for himself and his friends. He’s more than capable and would definitely be embarrassed if I started interfering.

I have explained that I think it’s rude. The fact that so many people don’t means that there are clearly a lot of people who have no issue with asking people for stuff.

It shows a lack of manners.

Exactly this.

And exactly this.

She’s 17 ha. The parents might have facilitated the event but they aren’t babysitting at that age.

I guess your DD’s friend didn’t eat either? Since the parents went out maybe they assumed the ‘kids’ would have fended for themselves during that time if they had wanted something. 8 hours without food is normal for lots of people.

Maybe just a life lesson for DD not to rely on other peoples’ hosting etiquette - always take what you need for yourself as backup.

Surely it's much ruder to have guests and leave them hungry and thirsty?

If someone comes to my house, I immediately offer them a drink and something to eat, and then continue to do so every hour or so. I would be mortified if someone felt like they had to ask.

I should clarify that offering is different (although I always say no if someone offers me something to eat but will offer something to them)

Cross posted - I would usually offer but I wouldn’t take anything offered.

But then I don’t ’host’ people with the same sense of occasion as most

She’s 17! Basically an adult! This is ridiculous

Yes - exactly

I don't host anyone either (at least, not in the MN sense) but anyone who is visiting my home for any reason gets offered a drink and something to eat.

All these people saying "it's rude to ask" - I would assume never offer because otherwise their guests would never feel the need to ask in the first place.

To me this is one of those slightly odd, day to day occurrences that I wouldn't waste five minutes thinking about, let alone starting a thread.

You need to teach your daughter to be resilient enough to cope with these little disadvantages, and you are doing her no favours by making it into a big thing. No 17 year old has ever been even slightly harmed by just having crisps for lunch. Move on.

It’s not weird. You ask for something to eat. What if that person has carefully planned their meals for the week and only has the food in the house that they need to feed their family? You wait for them to offer on the basis that they won’t offer you something that they “need”. Equally, it’s incumbent upon the host to make guests feel comfortable and offer them sufficient food and drink while they are there (because it’s rude for guests to ask).