DD with friend’s family for 8 hours only ate crisps

[Z0rr0]

My DD was invited to an activity with friends today. She ate a toasted English muffin before she left at 8.15. By the time she came back at 4pm she’d only been offered some crisps to eat. I’m grateful the family took her out (I paid for her ticket which was less than a tenner) and hosted her at their home, but I just can’t fathom not offering her some lunch.

You expected the parents to make lunch? 🤣🤣🤣 They aren't five year olds on a play date.

I don't even involve myself in my 13 year old hosting friends, he is more than capable of sorting lunch for his mates. When he was a bit younger I'd check in on ideas and make sure he knew the options but these days he knows as well as me what food we have in (well better idea really because the elderly greek neighbour always waylays him to give him food from their families shop).

Well, that's more or less what I said. Even the National Autism Society discusses 'mild autism', and it's distressing for family members of severely autistic people when people DON'T make the distinction between those who are mildly, or a 'bit' autistic and those who need 24/7 csre, sometimes residential.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism#The%20spectrum

If food is bit spicy is a it's still spicy but not severely spicy.

Very misleading OP, I also assumed we were talking about a young child on a play date, not offering a 7 year old any food all day would be out of order. But 17?! I have a 16 & 18 year old and either they offer their friends food and get it for them themselves or they go out.

I was expecting this post to be about a five year old. The parents would have assumed the “kids” would sort themselves out.

If the parents don’t know your child is waiting for an autism assessment then they’re unlikely to think that at 117 she needs prompting to think about food at regular times or would struggle to advocate for herself in a strange environment.
this is a learning curve for you and your daughter where you can now start practicing appropriate interventions and perhaps plan a survival pack for similar situations in future, maybe some role play around planning for food breaks with friends prior to the activity , or getting food In beforehand or taking her own emergency food such as protein bars and a drink in her bag.
its an awkward age for kids who might have extra needs, they want to fit in and conform and not be seen to be making any kind of fuss, but this can be to their extreme detriment if they don’t learn how to prepare or feel able stick their neck out in these situations where maybe their friend also doesn’t think laterally about things like mealtimes.

@Z0rr0 The responses on here are predominantly from parents of nt offspring, pay them no heed , they have no comprehension of the situation for your daughter, ‘forgive them for they know not what they do’

It sounds like the parents went out and just expected (perfectly reasonably) that the 17 year olds would sort themselves some lunch. Your DD should have said to her friend, are we having lunch or what?! She isn't a young child she needs to learn to speak up for herself.

I left my 17 year old at home whilst we went on holiday for a week (his choice not to come), he would have literally died in that week if he had framed like this.

Why would she need to cook - can she not do basics like make a sandwich or toast? Most kids can do this at junior school age?

It's not an issue of 'generosity' though as I'd be willing to bet those other parents had 'generously' ensured the bread bin had rolls or bread or wraps or something for the kids to use to make lunch, and I'd bet they'd made sure they had sandwich fillings in etc. The fridge was probably nicely stocked with lunch stuff like yoghurt, fruit, salad veg etc.

What you are framing as 'generosity' is actually just you holding your DD back and harming her independence by doing everything for her. ND or not she needs to build the skills to look after herself like having the confidence to be able to prepare really simple foods like a sandwich.

She should not order an Uber to a friends house unless it’s something the agree on together, that’s just weird. She should raise with her friend them having a sandwich or something.

Not sure why you're making Such a big deal of this non issue. You're not willing to take on board any of the views that at 17, the young adult should be fending for themselves wnd
not waiting to be presented with a lunch

She’s 17yo. At 17yo mine were expected to sort their own lunch when/if they wanted it. If they had friends over then I expected they would sort their lunch together, I wouldn’t be doing it for 17yo’s.

Surely, if she was hungry she would have said to her friend ‘what are we doing about lunch’. And yes, I have one with ASD (noting not ‘a bit autistic’ as you either are or are not), and that doesn’t mean they are stupid. If a friend said to them ‘I’m hungry, what are they doing for lunch’, they would have taken the friend to the kitchen and shown them what we had. If they were at someone’s house and hungry, they would have asked their friend.

@Z0rr0 I’m happy to be a generous person who likes to make food for their kid’s friends. I guess I’ll lower my expectations as far as others are concerned.

Sure, when they are 10yo that is ‘generous’ (aka to be expected). However, when they are 17yo, it’s not generous, it’s just odd. It’s not about lowering expectations, it’s about knowing what is normal for 17yo’s in this regard.

We didn't have lunch yesterday. It was so hot, none of us had any appetite. I had lots of water and a choc ice at about 3pm

Perhaps they felt the same. What was the activity? Something energetic?

I sometimes make lunch for my teen but if she has friends over, I let them sort their own food/drinks out for breakfast, lunch and snacks. I do buy extra food each week so there is plenty in for them. If they’re staying for dinner, we’d make it for them.

Everyone is different.

I have a 17 year old and she would have made sure your dd had lunch. I cook dinner and that’s it - the house is self service otherwise.

I’m also a ‘generous person’. You do you I’ll do me.

Are you sure that your dd actually wasn’t perfectly happy with crisps? It was boiling today, maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

I wouldn’t make lunch for my 17 year old but would have told her what was in the fridge before her friend arrived so she new what to make for lunch!!

It was odd her friend didn’t get any lunch for them

C’mon as if a 17 year old wouldn’t say to her friend “I’m hungry what we eating for lunch” ?

17yos have to be told what's in the fridge these days?

At that age my 2 were opening it and staring into it every 10 minutes, they knew its contents way better than I did.

Autistic kids, or even just quiet and shy ones might not say anything. One of my daughters friends is like that but my daughter knows to offer and I tell all of my children’s friends to just help themselves.

My DD is 17 and autistic and if she had her neurodiverse friends over I would make sure they got lunch, otherwise they would just eat snacks like crisps probably. My DD is just starting to make her own lunch but always talks to me first about what she is going to do and what she should have. She is getting more independent but it has been a slow road, which is fine. I would expect her friends parents to help them navigate too if they weren’t quite there yet.

Op’s DD isn’t diagnosed though.
It could well have been first time the friend’s mum has met her. Mum probably only gave them a lift and left them too it at the activity. Unless you are specifically told additional needs you assume they are a typical 17 yr old and leave them to it.
Mine is at uni now but I found sixth form age parenting frustrating at times. Some parents still treat them like small children and interfere in perfectly sensible arrangements. Eg wanting them chauffeur door to door everywhere. Other’s know yp will need to survive away from home next year and encourage independence. At this age doing everything for them isn’t being a good parent.

She's 17 and she was back at 4pm. It's hardly going to kill a 17-year-old to have a late lunch, which is effectively what happened. Calm down.