AIBU to stop therapy after learning my therapist’s husband is Reform?

[CanyonRider]

I live in a small town. I started having therapy maybe a year ago. I feel it’s been working for me and I like my therapist. However I realised today that she is (very very recently) married to a man who recently stood and won as a reform councillor in our local election. I detest reform. I’m married to an immigrant (EU citizen) and am delighted that my kids are dual nationals and have the option of travelling, working and living in the EU should they desire. I’m also very pro the transition to green energy. I have solar and drive an EV. Finally I cannot stand Farage and the political grift embodied by people like him and Jenrick and am dismayed by the harms caused by Brexit.

My therapist is also an EU national and is here under indefinite leave to remain - as is my wife.
Read a few interviews with her husband today and he spouts the usual anti EU, anti immigration, anti green transition rhetoric you’d expect from Reform. I don’t feel comfortable continuing therapy with someone who’s married to a reform politician, and am very surprised that she is comfortable with his views and by extension those of Farage.

Am I overreacting?

I’m a therapist. I think if I were in your position OP, my initial reaction would be the same as yours.

However, if you have a good relationship with your therapist, I would really encourage you to talk about this with her. It could be a valuable exploration for you to do together.

Although I’m a therapist I obviously still have personal views, opinions and positions I hold on certain topics. But I never, ever let these come into the client work.

Similarly, I often work with clients who express views that are polar opposite to mine. In these cases I am able to remain completely neutral and try to be as open and curious as possible about their perspective and how it came to be shaped in such a way.

It sounds like your therapist is good at what she does and for her to lose business because of her husband’s politics seems a bit unjust. Women are individuals and not extensions of their husbands.

Talk to her about how it’s made you feel. It sounds like your therapeutic relationship is strong enough to tolerate this kind of challenge.

How did we get to assuming all Polish people are racist? They’re not, just like not all English people are not. But if I discovered a tradesperson I planned to or had contracted was racist, I would ask them to leave.

And I would consider that a person married to a Reform councillor was comfortable with values that clashed with my own. Not even necessarily racism but a general low regard for facts and a strong appetite for bullshit. Each to their own but I’d rather spend money with someone I trust and that would probably be someone with stronger analytical skills.

he wouldn't want to live next door to Romanian men (I actually live two doors down from a lovely Romanian man)

To be fair - Farage was asked if he would live next door to 'a group of Romanian men' - not one Romanian man. James O'Brien asked him what the difference was between a group of Romanian men and a German family. Apparently, champagne socialist O'Brien, who sent his daughters to private school, would be perfectly fine with an HMO of Romanian men next door. Of course he would.

What exactly makes you think the two jobs are remotely comparable in this context?

Have you actually ever heard logic from Reform voters? I haven't.

Of course, but you have described OP’s personal preference to not put money in the pocket of this therapist because of her husband’s job as fascism. Doesn’t sound like you’re that keen on personal preference e really.

Who do you vote for? Is that an intrusive question or is it only Reform voters that are allowed to be scrutinised for their choice? @CaesarAugusta

Agree with almost all of your post, except this

for her to lose business because of her husband’s politics seems a bit unjust. Women are individuals and not extensions of their husbands.

No-one has a right to clients. And women are of course not extensions of their husbands but each of us has to be aware of how the actions of those we choose to surround ourselves with reflect back on us. Plenty don’t have an issue, but if OP does she’s entitled to take her business elsewhere.

Does his wife not have agency or is she meant to mirror every particle of her husband? Who is the OP to judge her therapist's choice of partner? What next - teachers refusing to teach kids whose parents vote Reform? That's where we are heading.

I don't see how you can avoid judging someone who chooses to spend their life with a Reform politician. This is not just someone who supports their policies, but actively promotes them. I don't see how anyone could tolerate living with, let alone being married to, someone who espouses openly racist policies, to say nothing of their policies around disability and poverty unless they also feel, at the very least, some sympathy with those views. That would definitely not be someone I wanted to discuss very personal issues with, nor indeed would it be someone whose judgment I felt I could trust.

I assume she does have agency, yes, and that she willingly she chose to marry a Reform councillor. So I think it’s reasonable to consider that she is comfortable with that. And some people - OP included, apparently - are not comfortable with a therapist that feels that way. Why does the OP’s right to choose her therapist based on their perceived values offend anyone? Voting preference isn’t a protected characteristic. I thought Reform fans were all about free speech?

A better analogy would be parents refusing to have have their children be taught by teachers who vote Reform. And if that’s their choice and they can easily facilitate (bit harder than an adult finding a new therapist but possibly doable) then why would you want to deny them that choice?

Openly racist polices, in your opinion. Funny you should mention tolerating living with somebody who votes Reform. Looks like the therapist has more tolerance than you, for instance. If people are going to be narrow minded, maybe judging experiences on case by case but to carte blanche refuse to have anything to do with Reformers makes those bigots the thick ones. No rationale is being applied, as it's just the same outbursts every time.

You can do whatever you like.

The OP has a choice, to find a new therapist. After all, it defeats the object if she's not relaxed. Likewise, everyone else has choices and they don't have to justify or defend them, unless they want to. It's when people are made to feel like shit for exercising their vote which is fascist like. Just because you say something or someone is racist doesn't necessarily make it so.

Is anyone planning to help friends, neighbours, relatives, and colleagues who would be at risk of deportation under a Reform government? Or will it be head down, business as usual, and post-pandemic-practised detachment?

Maybe the therapist will help her clients find resilience and self-respect no matter how complicit they are in persecution or cleansing.

How to Survive the Society my Husband Fucked Up, in 12 £90-pound sessions.

But OP isn’t doing that, she’s choosing her therapist. A few posts back you described that as fascism. Now you say making people feel bad for their voting preference is fascism - it isn’t. I haven’t described anyone as racist, You seem a bit confused.

I would definitely lose respect for someone if I found out they'd recently married a Reform councillor. If they'd been married for years and the spouse's involvement with Reform had been a recent change, then well, that would be more complicated.

If your year of sessions with this counsellor gave you no clue that she was sympathetic to Reform, then she's probably able to keep her work separate from her personal views and do her job professionally. That said, you need to be able to trust your therapist and feel comfortable opening up to her. Only you can decide if you're able to maintain that therapeutic relationship. But there's no need to quit due to a moral principle - you've invested a lot of time in this therapy so please put yourself and your recovery first.

Depends on how much cognitive dissonance is tolerable...

If you have a centrist position it is equally challenging to engage with the far left. And I don’t believe they are at all virtuous, their misogyny and racism also shines through.

I liked my former GP. He was kind and reassuring and seemed to understand my mental health issues very well. A few years after meeting him, I was shocked to see on social media that he was into blood sports, but maybe I shouldn't have been, as he was a posh former public schoolboy from a fairly well-known family. I found it hard to reconcile his kind, caring behaviour towards humans with his indifference, some might say callousness, to animal welfare.

Still, I didn't change GPs as he was doing a good job for me. He was my doctor, not my friend. I also didn't want to start all over again with a new GP. When I moved to a different area, I was sad to have to change GPs (even though the surgery itself was a bit crap after Covid, as it was always short-staffed).

The therapist is closely associated with someone who is closely connected with a racist political party. It is reasonable to wonder how they ensure their practice remains inclusive and how they address any internal bias. It is also reasonable to ask them if they think that clients from certain backgrounds would feel safe in their hands.

In your shoes I would go to your next session and use it to question how they uphold equality and inclusion in their work. if they engage thoughtfully and non-defensively, that’s a good sign. But ultimately it is whether you still feel comfortable and can continue to benefit.

Judging people because they don't think the way you want them to is intolerance. The hard left demand society conforms to their standards. So yes, fascism and I stand by that.

I hope her next therapist isn't married to a Green MP. This is nothing but rage bait anyway.

So she can't be unsure of whether she feels comfortable in a therapeutic relationship without being described as fascist?

Why is it rage bait?

If the therapist is a member of the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists, they are obliged to follow the code of conduct, which centres obligations around tackling bias and discrimination.