How can I turn down uninvited siblings politely from nieces 9th birthday party?

[ThePetiteMermaid]

I changed my user name for this and some details as it’s pretty outing (and a long post sorry - trying not to drip feed) but I need advice please.

My niece has a birthday party coming up this week and my Dsis was originally going to book a party package doing an activity with food and party bags included.
It worked out as far too expensive for her as a package because you need a minimum amount of guests to book and so she decided to take a smaller friend group and pay for them to do the activity individually and then to take them to a fast food place to eat.
She also decided instead of party bags to just do cake to save money and thought the kids might not expect one after an expensive activity and might be too old to be bothered anyway at 9 years old.

My Dsis became ill unexpectedly and had to have an operation which means she’s unable to host the party and her DH is at work so she asked me to do it.
I didn’t want my niece disappointed so have taken over the WhatsApp group to finalise things and I have a friend to help on the day.

I have had two messages from two mums basically saying siblings need to attend as it’s school holidays and not really asking but telling me. There hasn’t been any money offered but one mum put “Lucy isn’t expecting a party bag but I’m hoping you will be able to provide a meal for her”.

The other mums message was a bit more polite saying “Katy can’t come without her sister Jess as I have no one to look after Jess, I hope this isn’t an issue as Katy is really excited about coming to celebrate Amy’s birthday”.

I can’t believe how rude and cheeky this is, surely they aren’t expecting my Dsis to pay for the extra kids?
Even if the parents do offer to pay I don’t want to be responsible for two extra kids who will probably be a different age category anyway.

I want to reply saying that the party numbers are final and we can’t stretch to additional guests financially and also I don’t think two is enough people to safeguard extra children.
I wasn’t sure if I should include the financial part as they might have been expecting to pay for the siblings on arrival.

I was hoping for some help please in writing a response that is polite but firm, my Dsis said one of the mums will possibly try to drop the sibling off anyway as she has form for this.

I don’t have children so feel uncomfortable dealing with this and I was really surprised to hear it’s a common request, I can understand if it was a cheaper venue like a hall party when the kids were younger but not for an expensive activity!

I’m also wondering what to say to kids if they are expecting party bags. With one mum mentioning them in the text I’m thinking others might expect them and kids might ask for one. I don’t have the money or time to provide them and wouldn’t have a clue what to put in them, I don’t want to stress my Dsis when she’s ill and already fretting about pleaving me in charge, surely a slice of cake is enough?!

It would be helpful if someone could also give me a suggestion of what to say if someone does attempt to drop off a sibling please.

I’m ND and not the best with confrontation or awkward conversations and I’m really pissed off I’ve been put in this position and my niece will be really upset if the two girls can’t attend because we can’t include siblings although that maybe can’t be helped.
I wouldn’t have been as keen to volunteer to help if if known I’d be dealing with these cheeky requests and worrying about bloody party bags!

I’ve posted quickly but I have to go out now so I won’t be able to respond much until later.
I just thought I’d better add this in anticipation of people asking “where has the OP gone!”
I will update after I’ve hopefully handled the situation tactfully!

I think this is the best message. No 'sorry' and also emphasising that the family has enough stress at the moment and don't need anymore.

The fucking cheek, demanding an extra meal be paid for to accomodate an uninvited guest! You are in the perfect position to tell them all to get to fuck, OP, do it for your sister!

We had one mum who was notorious for turning up with her two feral boys to every party. What one got, the other one had to have and she was too spineless to say no. They also ruined every event with their appalling behaviour, whether or not she stayed, so they were the sole reason class parties ended in two different year groups in that school. Made life a lot easier in the run to just have small parties with kids my children were actually good friends with and their (mostly) reasonable parents.

Party bags can get in the bin as well.

also - I find it so rude that parents do this!! Surely they know when they accept.

even will hall parties it’s still rude - but this is really pushing it. It’s the expectation and way it’s written too!

Absolutely spot on.

When mine were at the party stage fortunately it was highly unusual to be asked if any extras could come. There was one mum at my DCs' school who had 5 children, had seen everything and took no nonsense. She had a party at the local leisure centre and a parent dropped off an uninvited sibling and left. This mum simply refused to have anything to do with the extra child and left her sitting at Reception. The staff even tried to bring the extra DC to the party group and the mum absolutely refused, calling them very irresponsible for asking her to look after a total stranger when she had as many children as she was confident that she and her helpers could safely supervise. The CF mum was livid when she returned and found her child sitting bored at Reception with the staff threatening to call the Police.

The party mum became a legend in the area (she was already impressive) and the Leisure Centre thereafter insisted on a list of attendees and refused to allow any child through the barrier to a party without the express permission of whoever had booked the party.

But the OPs sister might not want the school parents knowing she’s had an operation, or that the family is under stress.

The scope for school parent gossip is wide open on that one.

Mine have been brilliant too since toddler hood.
But they cant control other children around them . One had a serious reaction after a child (the party hosts child in fact) threw some cheesy wotsits around

It has nothing to do with my children and their ability to take responsibility and everything to do with what I feel is fair to ask other people to take responsibility for.

Just reply saying “sure they can come the cost is x per head you can pay for them when you arrive”. I’d also if you could afford it and want to organise some party bags the children will definitely want one!!

I would be very brief and to the point. I absolutely would not suggest that it would be possible for the CF parents to pay for siblings and supervise them themselves. That is wide open for them to push the sibling into the main party group to avail themselves of everything on offer. Which they will do as they’ve already established that they’re CFs.

They are cheeky bastards, taking advantage of you! Anyone who has kids knows that at 9, parties are drop and run, and that no parents need to stay. Had your DSis asked them to stay? Otherwise, they can look after their own other children themselves. Sausages reply is a good one, or something like "LOL I'm out of my depth already, there's no way I'll be able to manage extra kids, unless you're offering to stay? Obviously there's a budget so you'd have to pay for any extra kids, we're doing our best to make sure Niece has a good day despite her `Mum being so ill. I think entry is x per child, you can pay at the venue, and we're then going to xx where its about x per head. I wish I could offer to pay for all the siblings but sadly not possible."
I honestly am taken aback by the attitude of these parents.

Well, they are going to have plenty of gossip when OP's sister isn't at the party! Honestly, life is too short to worry about what relative strangers, who you will probably never see again once your kids leave school, have to say about you.

Given the brazen attitude of these mum's you need to be firm and clear in your messages.
I would put a clear message on the group chat saying
'Amys mum is unwell currently, she is looking forward to seeing her friends. It is a drop and go party and you can meet me at the front door to check your child in at 11am then meet me again at the same door at 3pm to collect them'

Then to the individual mums I'd say something like:

'There's no need to worry about childcare for siblings as it's a drop and go party. If you'd like to stay instead of dropping you will need to stay with your other child/ren to supervise them and cover any of their costs'

These people aren't your friends, you'll probably never speak to them again and they are being beyond cheeky. Shut them down as they will find some loophole or ditch their kids behind your back.

OMG, she is amazing! I always found that when I got railroaded into things it was because I couldn't upset a child, when actually, she has proved the worst that is going to happen is that they are going to be bored.

Edited to say: Sorry, I meant to quote @MPforTitipu !

They would enjoy party bags but they're not compulsory. Kids enjoy a treat, it doesn't have to be a bag full of treats. Cake is fine OR, if the OP was inclined, I'd pick up a multipack of Haribo from a supermarket and just hand one to each child as they go. Will cost about £2.50 total and save the bother of assembling bags.

OP it's kind of you to do this. Don't feel bad about CFs trying it on

So they are being taken out for an activity, food & mums want party bags & siblings accommodated as well!

Fuck me!

As people have said they don't need childcare as they are already looking after 2 kids & then will for the duration of the party have one!

Your BIL has to step in/step up.

As a PP said, there's no need to say "I'm sorry". These people are rude. It's always helpful I think to take I and we out of responses too as it gives people less scope to argue, and simply reiterate what the situation is - i. e. Siblings cannot be accommodated.

You've got great text repsonse to the mums.

On the party bags if wpuld do them!!!
It would be nice for your niece and sister who is unwell.

Total cost is £20-25

Amazon is a good fix for this depending on numbers (im guess its about 12 or so girls)

party bags £3.99 25 bags
Face jewels £6.50 for 12 sets
Paper rock scissors Keyring £6 for 30 pieces
And a bag of mini haribos or something...

It's around £20 if there 20 plus children £25 or so....

9 yo s would be happy with this

I think you made the point here yourself

'the party numbers are final and we can’t stretch to additional guests financially' ..... but as it's an open venue then that's fine if you need to bring a sibling and pay for them yourselves for their entry and food.

Make it very clear. Very cf for people to expect you to pay for non invited guests to eat.

Tell the mums your sister has only invited a few select friends to celebrate as it was too expensive to invite more children. If they are doing an activity in an open session then I’d say the mums can book their own children into a session if they’re prepared to stay and supervise. Tell them they can join at the fast food place but they would have to provide their own child with a meal. Or just tell them no, if you and your friend are supervising them the mums can stay home and look after the other child. If one sibling won’t attend without the other ‘that’s a shame if X can’t make it, let me know asap

"there's no way I'll be able to manage extra kids, unless you're offering to stay?"

But op doesn't want them to stay!

She wants niece's invited guests only and no extras, children or adults.

@ThePetiteMermaid the first post nails it. Send that and hold firm if they try it on on the day.

So glad I'm past all that. Good luck.

When it’s very young children, and the parent has to stay…sometimes older siblings need to be there as well due to no other childcare options. However, the parent should be providing for that other child in terms of food and things to keep them entertained (such as bringing a Nintendo to keep them occupied). They are not part of the ‘party’ and should be only the outskirts of it.

It sounds like these 2 mothers are just after some free childcare and free lunches for their other children, unless they are mistakenly thinking they need to stay for the event. The won’t have childcare for the other child routine is nonsense, because they are responsible for one less child when they drop one off at the party….so it reduces existing responsibility, not increases it! What they are really saying is that they don’t want to be bothered with driving their kids to a party and providing a birthday present…unless there is something to gain for the parent (an afternoon free of all childcare responsibilities).

Aside from the financial issue here, as it’s obvious that anyone not invited should be paying their way…you should also be considering the birthday child herself. Is she a child who really enjoys the company of kids of varying ages outside her friendship group? If the activity is bowling for example, having a 4 year old taking part could be disruptive to older kids who want to take it seriously. There’s also the risk with younger kids being spoilt brats who want to blow out the birthday cake candles or having tantrums wanting to be opening presents or opening party bags that are meant to be surprise contents at the end. With older children attending you have other potential problems, there is a risk that they will win any competitive activities and not give the younger kids a chance, meaning the birthday child doesn’t get a chance either, and there could even be issues like the older sibling is someone who is a bully at school and makes some of the younger kids feel uncomfortable. I think you need to ask the 9 year old whether she cares if siblings attend, if she doesn’t want that then it’s a straightforward no…even if that means a couple of her friends then don’t come. At age 9 she’s old enough to understand that it was cheeky of them to ask for free childcare and free meals/activities for kids who weren’t invited and be told it wasn’t their friend not wanting to come that caused the issue.

As it’s a one-off, I also wouldn’t worry about being rude or falling out with these other parents. Your sister can always do the “I was so ill I didn’t even know what my sister was doing during that week, I had no choice but to just let her take over, she doesn’t have her own kids or experience of any of this and just did her best” and just refresh whatever her relationships were with these other parents later.

Also…if this has happened AFTER you stating on WhatsApp that you are the Aunt taking over, they might be pushing their luck thinking you’ll be a soft touch.

I'd reply no problem just drop Katy off to party and I will drop her home afterwards.

"Ah its ok you can drop your child off, you dont need to stay I have another adult with me to look after the kids so you're free to care for Lucy/katy/whoever and pick up at xx time"

Or "its already booked but the website is www.whatever if you want to see if you can book <extra random child> in. For food we're going to the KFC nearby so again youre welcome to come along with <extra random child> and get them something. See you there!"

This one. It's clear and tired the point.

I worry that 'you can come and pay' may end up with you being left in charge.

I think I a clear and absolute no is needed

I think it is perfect that OP is the outsider that is now in charge:

Hi Mums,
As you know my DS suddenly became ill and req'd an operation. I'm stepping in essentially last minute to help out and plans have been set. Sorry, I'm not able to facilitate extra kids or other changes. Thanks for understanding.