How can I turn down uninvited siblings politely from nieces 9th birthday party?

[ThePetiteMermaid]

I changed my user name for this and some details as it’s pretty outing (and a long post sorry - trying not to drip feed) but I need advice please.

My niece has a birthday party coming up this week and my Dsis was originally going to book a party package doing an activity with food and party bags included.
It worked out as far too expensive for her as a package because you need a minimum amount of guests to book and so she decided to take a smaller friend group and pay for them to do the activity individually and then to take them to a fast food place to eat.
She also decided instead of party bags to just do cake to save money and thought the kids might not expect one after an expensive activity and might be too old to be bothered anyway at 9 years old.

My Dsis became ill unexpectedly and had to have an operation which means she’s unable to host the party and her DH is at work so she asked me to do it.
I didn’t want my niece disappointed so have taken over the WhatsApp group to finalise things and I have a friend to help on the day.

I have had two messages from two mums basically saying siblings need to attend as it’s school holidays and not really asking but telling me. There hasn’t been any money offered but one mum put “Lucy isn’t expecting a party bag but I’m hoping you will be able to provide a meal for her”.

The other mums message was a bit more polite saying “Katy can’t come without her sister Jess as I have no one to look after Jess, I hope this isn’t an issue as Katy is really excited about coming to celebrate Amy’s birthday”.

I can’t believe how rude and cheeky this is, surely they aren’t expecting my Dsis to pay for the extra kids?
Even if the parents do offer to pay I don’t want to be responsible for two extra kids who will probably be a different age category anyway.

I want to reply saying that the party numbers are final and we can’t stretch to additional guests financially and also I don’t think two is enough people to safeguard extra children.
I wasn’t sure if I should include the financial part as they might have been expecting to pay for the siblings on arrival.

I was hoping for some help please in writing a response that is polite but firm, my Dsis said one of the mums will possibly try to drop the sibling off anyway as she has form for this.

I don’t have children so feel uncomfortable dealing with this and I was really surprised to hear it’s a common request, I can understand if it was a cheaper venue like a hall party when the kids were younger but not for an expensive activity!

I’m also wondering what to say to kids if they are expecting party bags. With one mum mentioning them in the text I’m thinking others might expect them and kids might ask for one. I don’t have the money or time to provide them and wouldn’t have a clue what to put in them, I don’t want to stress my Dsis when she’s ill and already fretting about pleaving me in charge, surely a slice of cake is enough?!

It would be helpful if someone could also give me a suggestion of what to say if someone does attempt to drop off a sibling please.

I’m ND and not the best with confrontation or awkward conversations and I’m really pissed off I’ve been put in this position and my niece will be really upset if the two girls can’t attend because we can’t include siblings although that maybe can’t be helped.
I wouldn’t have been as keen to volunteer to help if if known I’d be dealing with these cheeky requests and worrying about bloody party bags!

I’ve posted quickly but I have to go out now so I won’t be able to respond much until later.
I just thought I’d better add this in anticipation of people asking “where has the OP gone!”
I will update after I’ve hopefully handled the situation tactfully!

“I am very sorry but we cannot accommodate siblings. The party venue and food has been booked for a certain number of children.

If you wish to bring older sibling, you can pay for their entry and food separately and you will need to stay to supervise them, they cannot be left with the party group.”

I’ve had the same so many times!!

You can say ‘Amy’s party is for her small group of friends that we’ve booked for, but as it’s at an open event you’re welcome to book for Jess at the same time. There will be food (if there is!) and a slice of cake for the party bag. My DSis is unwell so I’m keeping it all as simple as possible! Looking forward to meeting you and Thanks for understanding, Mermaid

I'd interpret that as there being food and cake for the uninvited child

If they won’t be able to book the activity, you could say ‘I’m happy for Lucy to be dropped off, but can’t accommodate extras, sorry!’

This is what I would say

I always had to stay for my son (he has allergies) and that meant bringing his little sister too (their dad works at weekends) but I always paid separately for her to do the activity and for her food and would never have expected a party bag

They are being horribly rude and presumptuous

Perfect!

One way to handle extra sibs, if you have space in your car, is to offer to pick the friend up and drop them back.

I would mention to the guests that you're not doing. party bags when you serve the food and then move things on, eg ask if they collectively want to eat the cake now or to take home, or chat on about the cake if you don't want to give them that decision. Cut generous slices.

What you have said about having a hard limit on numbers and adult-child ratio sounds good. Some people simply won't care, which is where physical interventions like picking the child up can help. No one can force you to drive away with their extra child in your car.

If it all goes pear shaped please don't blame yourself. You're doing everything right and being such a lovely aunt to put yourself so out of your comfort zone for her like this.

Don’t people just drop their children and leave at nine?! I hope so, I can’t imagine still having to host parents when they get to that age!

I would say that entry and food is included for the friend of the birthday child and siblings are welcome, but have to be paid separately on the day to the venue (assuming there is a cafe on site).

Yes true.

I would say something along the lines of “ Had a few questions about siblings - the play centre is open for everyone that day so if anyone wants to bring siblings and pay their entry fee/ meal at fast food place that’s fine . obviously parents bringing siblings will need to stay and supervise. Entry to event and meal at X place is covered for party kids.

Then when you arrive at event if you can pay up front for the invited kids and stand at entrance with list of names ticking them off as they arrive. Direct siblings /parents to desk to pay separately.

This annoys me so much!
Just say " sorry,but final numbers are already sorted"
That's all you need to say
If the child doesn't come because they have nobody to look after the sibling then that's their fault not yours.
I once did a party for my son. One of his friends has 4 siblings. They all turned up, Mum slipped out whilst my back was turned and left them all!! One was still in nappies......conveniently, her phone was switched off when I tried to contact her....
And they all expected party bags!

Either postpone the whole thing for a week or two of just reply politely that sorry you haven't room in your house for extra children and you've already had to turn down similar requests. What is wrong with people. Too annoying.

Are they old enough to “drop and run”? If so, there is no need for the mums to stay, so they can take the siblings home. It’s harder if you’re expecting parents to stay.

Its fine to explain that you can’t accommodate siblings, so you understand if <invited friend> isn’t able to attend

I’ve got three children.

I cannot tell you how many times I have had to send this message over the years for their birthday parties 🤣

I don’t understand why siblings need to attend if it’s a drop off and leave party, which it sounds like it is? Surely the parents would need to look after them either way.

@Sausagesmyarse has got a good reply.

This!

Why do people always say they're struggling for childcare? What would they do with the kids if there was no party, especially as it's drop and go at this age?

I'd be collaring your BIL and getting him to pull his weight by replying to these parents.

His wife became unexpectedly ill, had to have an operation, his daughter needs a birthday party organised and his solution is to go to work and leave it all down to you?

Unbelievable.

I stayed either onsite or very close until mine were secondary age. Not remotely a helicopter parent but they have allergies requiring EpiPens and I didnt think it was fair to leave a party host solely responsible for them

My 9 year old would be beyond mortified if I stayed at his friends’ parties with my younger ones. He and his friends have been dropped off at parties for years now - very weird that parents would want to stay. The first response was perfect IMO.

This is perfect.

I never understand why people think it’s acceptable to ask to bring siblings to parties. If I couldn’t get childcare mine never went, I find it really rude to ask if siblings can attend.

It's very rude of them to expect to bring siblings when the cost of the activity is individual. It's fine to make it clear that siblings cannot attend unless their parent stays and pays for them to do it separately from the party group. It's total rubbish that siblings have to come as there is no one to look after them - who was going to look after them if there was no party?
Just tell them the party cannot accommodate siblings and you cannot supervise them.

“Katy can’t come without her sister Jess as I have no one to look after Jess, "

Why does she need anyone to look after Jess? Won't she just be dropping Katy at the venue and leaving? They're nine, they don't need parents in attendance, and probably don't want younger siblings tagging on.

I wouldn't be waffly about it. Just reply 'Party is booked for a fixed number of guests. Sorry not sorry we cannot accommodate any extras'.

Hope your sister is okay, OP, you are very kind (and brave!) to do this for your niece.

At 9, surely they’d be dropping them off so no need for siblings. Some parents are so rude.