How can I turn down uninvited siblings politely from nieces 9th birthday party?

[ThePetiteMermaid]

I changed my user name for this and some details as it’s pretty outing (and a long post sorry - trying not to drip feed) but I need advice please.

My niece has a birthday party coming up this week and my Dsis was originally going to book a party package doing an activity with food and party bags included.
It worked out as far too expensive for her as a package because you need a minimum amount of guests to book and so she decided to take a smaller friend group and pay for them to do the activity individually and then to take them to a fast food place to eat.
She also decided instead of party bags to just do cake to save money and thought the kids might not expect one after an expensive activity and might be too old to be bothered anyway at 9 years old.

My Dsis became ill unexpectedly and had to have an operation which means she’s unable to host the party and her DH is at work so she asked me to do it.
I didn’t want my niece disappointed so have taken over the WhatsApp group to finalise things and I have a friend to help on the day.

I have had two messages from two mums basically saying siblings need to attend as it’s school holidays and not really asking but telling me. There hasn’t been any money offered but one mum put “Lucy isn’t expecting a party bag but I’m hoping you will be able to provide a meal for her”.

The other mums message was a bit more polite saying “Katy can’t come without her sister Jess as I have no one to look after Jess, I hope this isn’t an issue as Katy is really excited about coming to celebrate Amy’s birthday”.

I can’t believe how rude and cheeky this is, surely they aren’t expecting my Dsis to pay for the extra kids?
Even if the parents do offer to pay I don’t want to be responsible for two extra kids who will probably be a different age category anyway.

I want to reply saying that the party numbers are final and we can’t stretch to additional guests financially and also I don’t think two is enough people to safeguard extra children.
I wasn’t sure if I should include the financial part as they might have been expecting to pay for the siblings on arrival.

I was hoping for some help please in writing a response that is polite but firm, my Dsis said one of the mums will possibly try to drop the sibling off anyway as she has form for this.

I don’t have children so feel uncomfortable dealing with this and I was really surprised to hear it’s a common request, I can understand if it was a cheaper venue like a hall party when the kids were younger but not for an expensive activity!

I’m also wondering what to say to kids if they are expecting party bags. With one mum mentioning them in the text I’m thinking others might expect them and kids might ask for one. I don’t have the money or time to provide them and wouldn’t have a clue what to put in them, I don’t want to stress my Dsis when she’s ill and already fretting about pleaving me in charge, surely a slice of cake is enough?!

It would be helpful if someone could also give me a suggestion of what to say if someone does attempt to drop off a sibling please.

I’m ND and not the best with confrontation or awkward conversations and I’m really pissed off I’ve been put in this position and my niece will be really upset if the two girls can’t attend because we can’t include siblings although that maybe can’t be helped.
I wouldn’t have been as keen to volunteer to help if if known I’d be dealing with these cheeky requests and worrying about bloody party bags!

I’ve posted quickly but I have to go out now so I won’t be able to respond much until later.
I just thought I’d better add this in anticipation of people asking “where has the OP gone!”
I will update after I’ve hopefully handled the situation tactfully!

I am sympathetic to the point about gossip concerning OP’s sister, but the woman has a nine year old DD and these are here friends. For that reason alone the point is likely moot.
And it will become clear at the venue that something is wrong. Leaving it to the imagination is not usually a good idea.

Perfect.
No ifs or buts, sorries or room for accomodating grasping parents.

this hits the spot

it's clear they have the choice too pay or not come and its polite

Great message.

Please be polite but clear and direct. You can’t accommodate siblings

How rude !!
“The numbers have been given in and I’m afraid we can’t accommodate any more children . I understand if this means little Jonnie can’t attend.

This.

Say they can attend at parents cost.

This and add one more line saying something like "there's a WA group, if you post there I'm sure someone will be able to give (invited child) a lift." This should minimise the stress of them showing up on the day with the sibling. It provides a different solution to the one they want, but it isn't one they can really argue against.

They are getting a slice of cake to take home with them!

From the pov that, I didn't book it, don't know what changes can be made and am just to helping out so it doesn't get cancelled. 🤷‍♀️

First replied nailed it!

I have an 8 year old and it’s very much the norm to drop at parties and not stay. Just clarify arrangements as suggested by others.no party bags will make the end of the party a bit awkward. If you can stretch to £20-30 you could rustle up some. Just needs some tattoos and slime or something to make the kids happy.

“Please don’t worry, this is a drop and leave party so you can just drop Katy off. My sister booked and paid for X amount of guests and we cannot increase this number. However, this is an open venue, so if you wanted to supervise and pay for Jess to go at the same time, this is an option for you - although I am sorry she won’t have a meal booked at the party table but they do serve food there.”

Absolutely as many other people have said, there is no reason for childcare issues if its a drop and leave the kids party, as it sounds like it is. The parents sound like they are trying to make their lives easier without the siblings feeling 'left out', or to give themselves child free time. Neither of these are your responsibility. The first suggestion of message is great, make it clear its no siblings. They are very unreasonable for assuming they are ok to drop uninvited guests to a party.

The only exception would be if one of the invited children had a medical condition/allergy that needed the parent present. They may not have a second parent around for another sibling. But this should be addressed specifically, and if acceptable they should pay for the other child (my youngest is diabetic, so would need me to stay at parties when he is 9 as I wouldn't expect the person running the party to manage his blood sugar, but would have to stay and accompany him at parties, or he won't be able to go alone).

Hope they get the message and that the party goes well!

Yes some are CF’s and use these events as free childcare oblivious to cost etc.

The worst I had was a grandmother who turned up with grandchild. It was a soft play party from nursery and I already had two children under 3 and was doing the buffet food myself. The invited clearly asked parents to stay as it was a 3rd birthday party (so most would stay automatically (I was also laying on hot drinks and tray bakes for parents). This grandmother turned up and said she wasn’t staying is that ok as they really want to go the party. I said not really as they are all so young and I have enough on. She dragged the child away and said the only reason we said he could go was because it was free childcare.

There’s absolutely no reason why no party bags will make the end of the party a bit awkward.

OP shouldn’t feel any pressure to provide a party bag.

the guests are having an activity, food and cake to take home. That’s plenty to make the kids happy.

If OP's sister wasn't planning to do party bags, I'm certain there's no need for her to do them in her stead, unless she just wants to (which she's made fairly clear she does not).

Good luck, OP! You've had some strong suggestions for how to word your message to these CF parents. Try not to worry about awkwardness. If there is any, it's entirely of their own making!

“Really sorry but we just can’t accommodate siblings. The venue has been pre-booked and as you know [sister] is unwell. If this means Katy can’t come, don’t worry, we will explain this to [niece] and I am sure they can catch up another time. Thanks for your understanding.”

I once hosted a swimming party and one parent turned up with 3 kids and no swim stuff.., luckily the pool lent them spares from the lost property… then the parents fucked off and left their kids (who couldn’t swim), I was so stressed!

just tell them to drop the invited child off, no need for siblings to gatecrash.

Who would be looking after the kid if the party wasn't on?

I has this happen once and the mum really wouldn't take no for an answer. We went back and forth over it for a full week

OP shouldn’t feel any pressure to provide a party bag.
the guests are having an activity, food and cake to take home. That’s plenty to make the kids happy.

Absolutely!

Or put the cake in a pb!

This is perfect.

You always get some cheeky parents wanting to bring siblings.

Also cheeky to expect a party bag.

If possible offer to take the two children with you so their parents don’t need to take them. It might be that the parents want to entertain the sibling as it is half term but that is not your problem.

I think party bags are not necessary after an activity, fast food and cake. If anything cut the cake and give as the party bag to take home if they are already eating food after.