How can I turn down uninvited siblings politely from nieces 9th birthday party?

[ThePetiteMermaid]

I changed my user name for this and some details as it’s pretty outing (and a long post sorry - trying not to drip feed) but I need advice please.

My niece has a birthday party coming up this week and my Dsis was originally going to book a party package doing an activity with food and party bags included.
It worked out as far too expensive for her as a package because you need a minimum amount of guests to book and so she decided to take a smaller friend group and pay for them to do the activity individually and then to take them to a fast food place to eat.
She also decided instead of party bags to just do cake to save money and thought the kids might not expect one after an expensive activity and might be too old to be bothered anyway at 9 years old.

My Dsis became ill unexpectedly and had to have an operation which means she’s unable to host the party and her DH is at work so she asked me to do it.
I didn’t want my niece disappointed so have taken over the WhatsApp group to finalise things and I have a friend to help on the day.

I have had two messages from two mums basically saying siblings need to attend as it’s school holidays and not really asking but telling me. There hasn’t been any money offered but one mum put “Lucy isn’t expecting a party bag but I’m hoping you will be able to provide a meal for her”.

The other mums message was a bit more polite saying “Katy can’t come without her sister Jess as I have no one to look after Jess, I hope this isn’t an issue as Katy is really excited about coming to celebrate Amy’s birthday”.

I can’t believe how rude and cheeky this is, surely they aren’t expecting my Dsis to pay for the extra kids?
Even if the parents do offer to pay I don’t want to be responsible for two extra kids who will probably be a different age category anyway.

I want to reply saying that the party numbers are final and we can’t stretch to additional guests financially and also I don’t think two is enough people to safeguard extra children.
I wasn’t sure if I should include the financial part as they might have been expecting to pay for the siblings on arrival.

I was hoping for some help please in writing a response that is polite but firm, my Dsis said one of the mums will possibly try to drop the sibling off anyway as she has form for this.

I don’t have children so feel uncomfortable dealing with this and I was really surprised to hear it’s a common request, I can understand if it was a cheaper venue like a hall party when the kids were younger but not for an expensive activity!

I’m also wondering what to say to kids if they are expecting party bags. With one mum mentioning them in the text I’m thinking others might expect them and kids might ask for one. I don’t have the money or time to provide them and wouldn’t have a clue what to put in them, I don’t want to stress my Dsis when she’s ill and already fretting about pleaving me in charge, surely a slice of cake is enough?!

It would be helpful if someone could also give me a suggestion of what to say if someone does attempt to drop off a sibling please.

I’m ND and not the best with confrontation or awkward conversations and I’m really pissed off I’ve been put in this position and my niece will be really upset if the two girls can’t attend because we can’t include siblings although that maybe can’t be helped.
I wouldn’t have been as keen to volunteer to help if if known I’d be dealing with these cheeky requests and worrying about bloody party bags!

I’ve posted quickly but I have to go out now so I won’t be able to respond much until later.
I just thought I’d better add this in anticipation of people asking “where has the OP gone!”
I will update after I’ve hopefully handled the situation tactfully!

Absolutely. "The numbers are fixed and siblings cannot be accommodated".

If a parent does this, after you've made clear that you cannot accommodate siblings, you should not pay for them and tell the venue it's nothing to do with you.

They know what they're doing when they just drop and run - they are telling you that they don't care about what you've said, they want child free time and are willing to force you into providing it! A call to the police/SS from the venue saying that a parent had abandoned their dc would put a stop to this cheeky fuckery.

If you and your friend are the only people supervising the children at their activity then how is mum 2 not able to look after her other child during the party??

I would say: I am so sorry but we can’t accommodate anyone extra. If your DD can’t come without her sibling then birthday girl will be very sorry not to see her on the day.

CFs…

I think asking politely is fine.
But from the sound of things the OP was told this was happening rather than asked, which I suspect would make most people more likely to say no.

I looks like you’ve had lots of helpful suggestions already OP, I just came here to say don’t feel bad about being direct with these parents, they clearly don’t feel bad about asking you to provide food and entertainment for their children!

I want to reply saying that the party numbers are final and we can’t stretch to additional guests financially and also I don’t think two is enough people to safeguard extra children.

HNRTT (sorry) but this seems exactly the right thing to say. It’s honest and gives little scope for the others to wriggle around or to think they can start to negotiate

THIS, and presumably, had your child been worried about you leaving, like say she's been to the venue previously and reacted to something, you'd have had the brains to ask about staying and siblings, when you let the host know she was coming, not on the morning of the party?!

No sorry, the activity is booked and paid for the invited children. You're not required to stay though just collect from place at time.

They're after free child care. Not your problem.

A short very blunt reply is best for cheeky fuckers like that as otherwise they’ll try to argue and cajole.

One that ends in Off, perhaps?!

“Just to clarify, I’m not expecting any parents to stay - you can just drop your children off at the venue at [2pm] and collect them again at [4pm]. We won’t be able to accommodate siblings, so you’ll need to take them home with you.

And just to manage expectations, with everything going on with Amy’s mum there won’t be party bags - we’re just doing cake at the fast food place after the meal.

Amy’s looking forward to seeing all her friends there!”

It is OK to be a little bit blunt, so long as you are not actually insulting. These people are cheeky fuckers who are after a freebie on the principle of "don't ask don't get" and they are chancing their arm that you will have too little self-esteem to say no.

"I'm sorry but the numbers are finalised and only the invited guest child can attend, not any siblings. It's a shame if you decide that means your child can't come but we cannot take any extras"

Can’t see a problem if they’re happy to pay for the siblings activity, food and look after them at the party.

Maybe the birthday child just wants her own friends at her party and doesn't want a lot of extras who might end up outnumbering the invited guests.

I agree this is a clear message but I’ve been burned before even after sending similar.

The party was in a soft play area and there was a private room booked for the food for the guests. When it was time for the meal, the CF parent just brought the uninvited siblings into the room and sat them down at the table. The staff went and got extra chairs for the two of them. Of course there was no extra food provided ( it was on trays in the middle of the table for the kids to help themselves ) but the venue charged me for the 2 extra.

Then the uninvited siblings lined up with the others for party bags, so we were two short. The birthday child didn’t get one at all as she gave it to one of the extras. The other extra child burst into tears and the mum was drawing me dirty looks.

So I ended up paying for two extra meals, my child got no party bag , I was stressed and the CF mum was bitching about me to everyone. So pretty much lose lose for us.

After that I never said “ yes they can stay but you need to pay and supervise etc”. Because you are trusting CF parents not to be CF.

Can someone explain to me why are party bags “expected”? Is this a longstanding tradition? What do they entail?

It is a longstanding tradition, yes, but many parents don't like them and they are not mandatory.

They're usually just full of plastic tat that ends up in the bin in any case.

It's also that a child of different age often will take relatively more time to look after.

Younger, may need extra support.
Older, may dominate - I remember one party (not my dc's) where an uninvited sibling joined in and won all the games, and jeered at the other children for not winning - he even grabbed the pass the parcel out of the winner's hands, and then had a full on temper tantrum when told to hand it back (he was 8 at the time, so more than old enough to understand).

Why do they even need to bring the siblings? If the adults don’t need to stay for the party then they don’t need childcare - they can look after the uninvited sibling at home themselves.

”My sister has organised and paid for the invited children only, and I will be taking them out for a meal afterwards so we won’t be providing food for siblings. It’s not a problem though as since it’s a drop off party, you can drop X at the venue and then head off so no need for siblings to hang around with you.”

Either this, or

“I can arrange for extra children not invited by my niece, on payment of £30 to cover the cost of the activity and meal. Please send to - give account or PayPal details.

Please transfer the money or come with the cash, otherwise, I will not be able to host either of your children.”

"I am hosting Amy's party as her mum (my sister is ill). The party activity and meal afterwards have been booked and paid, for the specific number of children invited. We are not expecting carers to stay and have calculated adult:child ratio accordingly. I'm sorry but we can't accommodate additional siblings. "

If the venue is open to the public and these people could attend with their other DC anyway you could remind them of that. But it's not fair to try to shoehorn unknown kids into your neice's birthday activity. Don't worry about being blunt. You don't know these people and probably won't ever have to see them again.

At 9 years old parents don't expect to stay at a party. Is the venue out of the way and parents feel they have to hang around with their other children? There is obviously a food outlet nearby.

That's fine if that suited you. I always felt it was far too much to ask the party host to be responsible for on top of everything else so I always stayed on site or nearby as a kindness to the party host as much as anything, they have enough on their plate .

My children have always been very responsible for their allergies but the reality is they have reacted to food from skin contact so birthday parties were high risk occasions

Was coming on to basically say this.

re the party bags. Ignore that comment and don’t worry!

My small children's party hosting days are well in my rear view mirror so I don't have anything to add to what's already been said, @Mermaid, but I did want to say you sound like a diamond sister/ auntie and your sister and niece are SOOOO lucky to have you xxx

As it's a drop and run party, the parents who are staying that siblings need to attend, make no sense!

Of course they don't.

Say this:

"So sorry but my sister has only booked the activity and the food afterwards for niece's (insert name here) friends. And we don't have enough adults able to supervise, to deal with additional guests.

While siblings are welcome to join the group, we will need you to pay both for the activity and their meal, and to stick around to supervise."

Job's a good'un!

She was always pretty good about just not having anything that she thought she might react to rather than be ill at a party. If there was say an ice cream cake and she had felt unwell or had a reaction after ice cream a different time then she wouldn’t have the ice cream. She wanted to be at the party and having a good time.