How can I turn down uninvited siblings politely from nieces 9th birthday party?

[ThePetiteMermaid]

I changed my user name for this and some details as it’s pretty outing (and a long post sorry - trying not to drip feed) but I need advice please.

My niece has a birthday party coming up this week and my Dsis was originally going to book a party package doing an activity with food and party bags included.
It worked out as far too expensive for her as a package because you need a minimum amount of guests to book and so she decided to take a smaller friend group and pay for them to do the activity individually and then to take them to a fast food place to eat.
She also decided instead of party bags to just do cake to save money and thought the kids might not expect one after an expensive activity and might be too old to be bothered anyway at 9 years old.

My Dsis became ill unexpectedly and had to have an operation which means she’s unable to host the party and her DH is at work so she asked me to do it.
I didn’t want my niece disappointed so have taken over the WhatsApp group to finalise things and I have a friend to help on the day.

I have had two messages from two mums basically saying siblings need to attend as it’s school holidays and not really asking but telling me. There hasn’t been any money offered but one mum put “Lucy isn’t expecting a party bag but I’m hoping you will be able to provide a meal for her”.

The other mums message was a bit more polite saying “Katy can’t come without her sister Jess as I have no one to look after Jess, I hope this isn’t an issue as Katy is really excited about coming to celebrate Amy’s birthday”.

I can’t believe how rude and cheeky this is, surely they aren’t expecting my Dsis to pay for the extra kids?
Even if the parents do offer to pay I don’t want to be responsible for two extra kids who will probably be a different age category anyway.

I want to reply saying that the party numbers are final and we can’t stretch to additional guests financially and also I don’t think two is enough people to safeguard extra children.
I wasn’t sure if I should include the financial part as they might have been expecting to pay for the siblings on arrival.

I was hoping for some help please in writing a response that is polite but firm, my Dsis said one of the mums will possibly try to drop the sibling off anyway as she has form for this.

I don’t have children so feel uncomfortable dealing with this and I was really surprised to hear it’s a common request, I can understand if it was a cheaper venue like a hall party when the kids were younger but not for an expensive activity!

I’m also wondering what to say to kids if they are expecting party bags. With one mum mentioning them in the text I’m thinking others might expect them and kids might ask for one. I don’t have the money or time to provide them and wouldn’t have a clue what to put in them, I don’t want to stress my Dsis when she’s ill and already fretting about pleaving me in charge, surely a slice of cake is enough?!

It would be helpful if someone could also give me a suggestion of what to say if someone does attempt to drop off a sibling please.

I’m ND and not the best with confrontation or awkward conversations and I’m really pissed off I’ve been put in this position and my niece will be really upset if the two girls can’t attend because we can’t include siblings although that maybe can’t be helped.
I wouldn’t have been as keen to volunteer to help if if known I’d be dealing with these cheeky requests and worrying about bloody party bags!

I’ve posted quickly but I have to go out now so I won’t be able to respond much until later.
I just thought I’d better add this in anticipation of people asking “where has the OP gone!”
I will update after I’ve hopefully handled the situation tactfully!

Sure the kid would prefer a good decent cake than random kids at their party.

Does the "can the siblings come as well' come from families who either can't afford to go there as a large family group or who are simply unable or unwilling to arrange days out for their own children.

The pressure from the univited children would be so hard as they are not going anywhere at all. No one can either bother to or afford to entertain them at a day out.

My SIL arranged a wonderful treat for some joint birthdays in our own family. Bit of an adventure.

Requests came from friends of the children who wanted to go. It needed waivers and adult supervision though so she said no.

None of the extra children who wanted to go have ever invited ours to anything similar or ever been to anything like this.

My SIL is wonderful at organising cheap days out for the children and very happy to take cousins. The disabled ones are included including one needing a lot of care.

We were reminded of another extended part of the family who rarely go anywhere and the father has never even taken his son fishing. They rarely go anywhere and buy things instead. They don't seem to value experiences as a family.

I would also say something like this. This gives them a total answer their supposed problem but makes it clear you would be providing the space or paying.

You could say add- “Alternatively, you are very welcome to drop off [invited child’s name] leaving you free to take sibling elsewhere, but we don’t have a space for sibling nor can they be dropped off”

Sorry I can see you have dealt with it now!

Op can spend her money how she wants. IIf she wants a professional cake and ten party guests, that’s up to her. It’s not up to another mum, or for you to spend op’s money having more guests.

Also, op will have thought about the dynamics of the group, and having a younger or older sibling can change this

It was common when mine were in primary school in the 90s but parties tended to be at home with some games and home made food. I always catered for extras and siblings were welcome but didn't get a party bag. One of mine had a birthday just after Christmas but still in the school holidays so their party was often a big get together for mums to chat about what we'd been up to.

I guess it didn't worry anyone as we all did it. If you fancied an afternoon without invited child drops them off, if you fancy a catch up come along. Also the costs were lower.

I’d much rather have little plastic toys that keep my kids happy for a short time than more sugar

Why does it have to be one or the other? Fancy notebook or colouring book, pens or pencils....

One of mine had a birthday just after Christmas but still in the school holidays so their party was often a big get together for mums to chat about what we'd been up to.

So it wasn't a party for your child at all?

Not everyone has a house big enough to host more than around six guests, and as pp have said, once you start adding children of different ages, the games don't work.

Dear Parents. Final numbers for Amys party have been given to the venue & full payment for invitees has been made already therefore if you wish to take siblings you will have to book them in on the day & pay for them yourselves. We will be going for Mc Ds afterwards which you're more than welcome to bring siblings to at your expense. Many thanks for your understanding. Looking forward to seeing you.

What happens if I actually don’t have the money to pay for extra kids? The choice I have then is between leaving the uninvited one at reception on their own in the care of the play centre, and cancelling the whole party so that I can sit with them in reception instead of supervising the kids I’ve invited and paid for. Which one would you do?

You could alert the staff at reception that the child is not with your group, hand over the parents' phone numbers, and leave them to it. It is a reasonable option, as you have a party of children to supervise yourself, and you made it absolutely clear that no siblings/extra children were to be dropped off as you weren't watching them.

I don't know how many times now I have made it clear that I don't think she should pay for extra kids so why do you all keep asking me this?

Obviously you can leave them in the care of the play centre but make sure the manager is on deck to deal with the situation. Kids' venues often have specific safeguarding policies in place and will follow through an action plan. Make sure the kids are okay before going off. Not just putting them in some random cab.

But the best way is the actually nip this in the bud with the adults from the get go. If you know one parent is going to try this stunt then tell them directly what will happen if they do. Be there at pick up to make sure they don't leave extra siblings behind. Deal with the adult ideally and not just rely on putting a child in a vulnerable situation like the taxi one then holding your hands up on technicalities.

There is a special place in hell for people who try to foist their other kids on birthday parties.

It's shameless, selfish behaviour of the highest order.

My only advice is to be VERY clear in saying no. If there' even a nano-inch of wiggle room they'll use it to get their way.

Be ready for parents who will try to drop extras and run. Refuse to pay entry and give staff their number to call to collect their kids.

What are you offended by? Budgeting or just not wanting to pay for stuff for random kids who aren't even invited?

Should we all be seeing a medium for a prediction of how many cheeky fuckers will try to shoe horn their uninvited, unwelcome, unknown spawn into every party we plan and save accordingly?

Do me a favour 🙄

You’re doing brilliantly @ThePetiteMermaid

Hope everyone does the right thing and your niece has a great time.

The parents trying this nonsense are outrageously cheeky. Their excuses don’t make sense because they’re lying!

Dear Mum's, Unfortunately final numbers are locked in and paid for with regards to the activity and food. I can understand you may wish to bring siblings, however as this isn't possible and you won't be able to bring your "invited child" without them, maybe my sister will arrange a play date when she's recovered from her operation. We will save your "invited child" a slice of cake.

This is all you need @ThePetiteMermaid . Polite but firm and clear, and no room for negotiation- you’re instructing them not making a suggestion.