How can I turn down uninvited siblings politely from nieces 9th birthday party?

[ThePetiteMermaid]

I changed my user name for this and some details as it’s pretty outing (and a long post sorry - trying not to drip feed) but I need advice please.

My niece has a birthday party coming up this week and my Dsis was originally going to book a party package doing an activity with food and party bags included.
It worked out as far too expensive for her as a package because you need a minimum amount of guests to book and so she decided to take a smaller friend group and pay for them to do the activity individually and then to take them to a fast food place to eat.
She also decided instead of party bags to just do cake to save money and thought the kids might not expect one after an expensive activity and might be too old to be bothered anyway at 9 years old.

My Dsis became ill unexpectedly and had to have an operation which means she’s unable to host the party and her DH is at work so she asked me to do it.
I didn’t want my niece disappointed so have taken over the WhatsApp group to finalise things and I have a friend to help on the day.

I have had two messages from two mums basically saying siblings need to attend as it’s school holidays and not really asking but telling me. There hasn’t been any money offered but one mum put “Lucy isn’t expecting a party bag but I’m hoping you will be able to provide a meal for her”.

The other mums message was a bit more polite saying “Katy can’t come without her sister Jess as I have no one to look after Jess, I hope this isn’t an issue as Katy is really excited about coming to celebrate Amy’s birthday”.

I can’t believe how rude and cheeky this is, surely they aren’t expecting my Dsis to pay for the extra kids?
Even if the parents do offer to pay I don’t want to be responsible for two extra kids who will probably be a different age category anyway.

I want to reply saying that the party numbers are final and we can’t stretch to additional guests financially and also I don’t think two is enough people to safeguard extra children.
I wasn’t sure if I should include the financial part as they might have been expecting to pay for the siblings on arrival.

I was hoping for some help please in writing a response that is polite but firm, my Dsis said one of the mums will possibly try to drop the sibling off anyway as she has form for this.

I don’t have children so feel uncomfortable dealing with this and I was really surprised to hear it’s a common request, I can understand if it was a cheaper venue like a hall party when the kids were younger but not for an expensive activity!

I’m also wondering what to say to kids if they are expecting party bags. With one mum mentioning them in the text I’m thinking others might expect them and kids might ask for one. I don’t have the money or time to provide them and wouldn’t have a clue what to put in them, I don’t want to stress my Dsis when she’s ill and already fretting about pleaving me in charge, surely a slice of cake is enough?!

It would be helpful if someone could also give me a suggestion of what to say if someone does attempt to drop off a sibling please.

I’m ND and not the best with confrontation or awkward conversations and I’m really pissed off I’ve been put in this position and my niece will be really upset if the two girls can’t attend because we can’t include siblings although that maybe can’t be helped.
I wouldn’t have been as keen to volunteer to help if if known I’d be dealing with these cheeky requests and worrying about bloody party bags!

I’ve posted quickly but I have to go out now so I won’t be able to respond much until later.
I just thought I’d better add this in anticipation of people asking “where has the OP gone!”
I will update after I’ve hopefully handled the situation tactfully!

Have you specified that its a drop and go party and they are free to leave the children with you until an agreed pick up time? If so, siblings do not need to attend because they can leave with the parents.

He'll have a Very Important Job as these men always do. Couldn't possibly take half a day of annual leave for his own child's birthday or do any of the admin for it.

Why,? I always just paid for separate food and entrance for the sibling, but assumed the party host would prefer that to bring responsible for a child with anaphylaxis

How rude of them to demand you provide a meal for an extra child! Bloody cheek.

they are 9, I certainly didn't expect parents to stay and hang around at that age. Drop the invitee and go do something else with younger siblings.
Maybe respond that just to clarify, you don't expect the parents to stay, pick up at x o'clock.

Because they aren't invited. And at least one mother is expecting the OP to stretch their finances and feed the extra attendee.

This exactly. If its a pre paid activity give them a list of names and tell them you will not be paying for any other child than who is on that list and pay if upfront.

Well yes I agree expecting the host to cover the costs is objectionable, but provided the parent of the sibling covers the cost I don't see the issue ? I have always assumed a party host would always prefer I was on hand to double check ingredients and administer an EpiPen if needed. If that means a sibling comes along and plays in the same public venue I fail to see the problem? My son would have had to miss all parties otherwise

One of my DD's best friends had his dad stay at parties until he was 10. He didn't bring a sibling, but I would rather he had brought a sibling, even at my cost, than DD had missed him coming to her parties. I appreciate that not everyone would feel like that about their children's parties, but isn't it better to ask than assume your child can't go?

Party guests aren't just there for their own enjoyment. They are there to have a shared experience with the birthday child and bring them joy too.

This.

Can’t see a problem if they’re happy to pay for the siblings activity, food and look after them at the party. It’s really normal.

It's all very well them saying that the sibling won't expect a party bag, to join in fully or whatever; but they rarely tell the actual sibling this - and even if they do, of course a child is going to want to join in with everything and not be left out.

The parents know this, and they know that you know this; so it's just a faux-innocent way of ordering you to pay for and fully include an extra child or two, but whilst claiming to be reasonable.

It might not even 'just' be one sibling, but two or more. If every child brought two siblings along, it would cost you a fortune, often be totally unworkable and completely spoil the birthday child's party if most of the others there are strangers to them.

You cannot leave any leeway for children to be just “dumped” with you @ThePetiteMermaid.
If you reply that the venue is open to the public and sibling can be accommodated by paying, you may well be stuck with siblings who were just “dumped” at the venue with no money.
You’ve seen what some mothers have been like.
They will take advantage.
I’d write “Unfortunately we can’t accommodate siblings. Birthday girl’s Mum is unwell and I am hosting the party on her behalf.”

Sounds as though the entitled parents wanting to drop off siblings too just want some child-free time with costs covered by host?
CFs!

It’s easier for you to do this rather than DSis because if you do annoy anyone you don’t have to have a continuing relationship with them.

they are CF just say no it can’t be done

Lots of good suggestions already but I’d drop any “Sorry but…”

No need to be sorry.

The most I’d do would be “I’m afraid that…” etc.

Or just “Siblings cannot be accommodated” etc.

I would keep it simple:

"I am helping DSis out as she is recovering from an operation. Unfortunately, I won't be able to look after any siblings, the party has been booked for Niece and her friends only and we will be taking the parry guests for food after. I can't afford to pay for any additional children. Thank you for your understanding!"

People can be incredibly cheeky and entitled!

100% this. All the live long day.

I don't see a child with severe allergies and a CF on the make as being comparable.

I think it was completely right and understandable why you attended parties with your DC and if siblings had to come along too then thems the breaks and obviously you weren't a CF demanding meals for them.

But generally by age 9 a party invite is for the invited child to attend alone rather than a full family day out.

This is perfect. Manages expectations. But you will always get some CF try it on, on the day so watch out for the drop and run parents.

"Sorry we have the number we booked the party for, so cannot book extras onto the party package".
Add
"You are, of course, welcome to pay separately for food and entrance for Lucy, if you wish"
Assuming the venue isn't booked exclusively for the party.

Make it clear that you are happy for them to drop and run. At 9, it would be assumed that parties are drop and run. If a child cannot be dropped (for example an disability or illness that they are unable to manage themselves), I would have expected a parent to ask about staying with siblings when they replied to say the child was attending.

first post nails it

"sorry due to limitations siblings will not be allowed to attend only the Invited children.

Parents are welcome to leave the Invited children while they take siblings to another activity and collect at xpm thank you for your understanding

My child has anaphylaxis. I would tell the parent she had anaphylaxis when I accepted the invitation. At nine years old I was going in to the venue ten minutes before the party, reading the packets with dd so she would know what she could not eat and then leaving her and her epipen which of course she can jab into her own leg if she needs to.

What the actual fuck! The jaw dropping rudeness of the below:
‘There hasn’t been any money offered but one mum put “Lucy isn’t expecting a party bag but I’m hoping you will be able to provide a meal for her”.’