How can I turn down uninvited siblings politely from nieces 9th birthday party?

[ThePetiteMermaid]

I changed my user name for this and some details as it’s pretty outing (and a long post sorry - trying not to drip feed) but I need advice please.

My niece has a birthday party coming up this week and my Dsis was originally going to book a party package doing an activity with food and party bags included.
It worked out as far too expensive for her as a package because you need a minimum amount of guests to book and so she decided to take a smaller friend group and pay for them to do the activity individually and then to take them to a fast food place to eat.
She also decided instead of party bags to just do cake to save money and thought the kids might not expect one after an expensive activity and might be too old to be bothered anyway at 9 years old.

My Dsis became ill unexpectedly and had to have an operation which means she’s unable to host the party and her DH is at work so she asked me to do it.
I didn’t want my niece disappointed so have taken over the WhatsApp group to finalise things and I have a friend to help on the day.

I have had two messages from two mums basically saying siblings need to attend as it’s school holidays and not really asking but telling me. There hasn’t been any money offered but one mum put “Lucy isn’t expecting a party bag but I’m hoping you will be able to provide a meal for her”.

The other mums message was a bit more polite saying “Katy can’t come without her sister Jess as I have no one to look after Jess, I hope this isn’t an issue as Katy is really excited about coming to celebrate Amy’s birthday”.

I can’t believe how rude and cheeky this is, surely they aren’t expecting my Dsis to pay for the extra kids?
Even if the parents do offer to pay I don’t want to be responsible for two extra kids who will probably be a different age category anyway.

I want to reply saying that the party numbers are final and we can’t stretch to additional guests financially and also I don’t think two is enough people to safeguard extra children.
I wasn’t sure if I should include the financial part as they might have been expecting to pay for the siblings on arrival.

I was hoping for some help please in writing a response that is polite but firm, my Dsis said one of the mums will possibly try to drop the sibling off anyway as she has form for this.

I don’t have children so feel uncomfortable dealing with this and I was really surprised to hear it’s a common request, I can understand if it was a cheaper venue like a hall party when the kids were younger but not for an expensive activity!

I’m also wondering what to say to kids if they are expecting party bags. With one mum mentioning them in the text I’m thinking others might expect them and kids might ask for one. I don’t have the money or time to provide them and wouldn’t have a clue what to put in them, I don’t want to stress my Dsis when she’s ill and already fretting about pleaving me in charge, surely a slice of cake is enough?!

It would be helpful if someone could also give me a suggestion of what to say if someone does attempt to drop off a sibling please.

I’m ND and not the best with confrontation or awkward conversations and I’m really pissed off I’ve been put in this position and my niece will be really upset if the two girls can’t attend because we can’t include siblings although that maybe can’t be helped.
I wouldn’t have been as keen to volunteer to help if if known I’d be dealing with these cheeky requests and worrying about bloody party bags!

I’ve posted quickly but I have to go out now so I won’t be able to respond much until later.
I just thought I’d better add this in anticipation of people asking “where has the OP gone!”
I will update after I’ve hopefully handled the situation tactfully!

@greenpolkadot55 wow!! How unbelievably rude of those mums!! Did Party Mum say anything at collection time?

I'm not relaxed about siblings. Older/younger siblings can change the dynamic, especially for these types of parties where there is a relatively small group doing a specific activity. The birthday child might not know them or even like them, and its irritating when they have probably already had to choose who could come, due to limited numbers, to have some random foisted on you. Organising a party is enough work without having to bake an extra cake or make provision for additional children.

If it’s something that they could pay for themselves and book a space, reply and say super, no problem. Here’s where you book for sibling

Well presumably the bills still need paid.

So a parent who is looking after your child has to dash for some reason and places your kid in taxi alone, you would be good with that?

Run around unsupervised as though there aren't venue staff and a manager who could be called to coordinate safe pick up of the child.

The CF parent's own negligence isn't a pass for you to do whatever. And you don't take safeguarding seriously if you don't get that for kids of certain ages you actually have to take extra precautions and not just dump them in taxis alone because you think it's hysteria.

I don't want you to care about what I think. I want you to care about basic child safety. Me, I would not let the parents get one over on me whilst doing the aforementioned.

Of course they do but this is what leave is for.

So rude of them

Not all of us are paid if we take leave. Just saying.

I’d be tempted to write back: “ Sorry your child won’t be able to come to my niece’s party. My niece will be disappointed. “ and leave it at that.

I think your reply is perfect and much nicer than I would have been. I’d be really cross to be put in such an awkward position.

Why would anyone think the birthday child would want to spend their party with some random siblings, especially when it’s a small group of kids doing trampolining. It’s quite baffling.

My dd went to a party where they didn’t have party bags at the end, it wasn’t planned but the mum of the party kid had got loads of helium balloons and ended up giving each kid one on the way out and they all loved it. Could that be an option if there are only 5 (get 5 of the same balloon chosen by your niece) as card factory sell quite cheap ones

Only if you are worried about not having party bags of course! You could tie it round a piece of cake if they are going in a box !

Just wanted to add that you are doing a wonderful thing OP. My SIL did the same when my sons dad had a terrible accident, 2 days before the date of DS 7th bday. Also, a friend stayed the entire party and took photos and put them in an album for me ( old school) as I couldn't go; and a complete stranger ( friend of SIL's ) made party bags. I will never forget their kindness.
So well done OP for stepping up. Don't get caught up in the drama , just think of it as a few hours of your life you will never get back and as long as the birthday girl is smiling then that's a win.

That's not the scenario we're talking about. We're discussing a scenario where the OP (or me, if I was the OP) isn't looking after the child, has never agreed to look after the child and has in fact specifically said she won't be looking after the child.

You can't decide for yourself that someone else is going to look after your child, drop said child off with this person and fuck off yourself, when the person concerned has never agreed to look after your child... just because you think you're important and should have whatever you want. That's not how life works.

In the scenario we're discussing n this thread, the extra siblings are abandoned children who OP has said aren't welcome at the party and who she hasn't agreed to look after at any point.

I care about basic child safety for the children I'm responsible for. There are many children in many countries in the world including the UK who are in unsafe situations. I'm no more responsible for a child that a parent has chosen to dump on me, believing they can sucker me into looking after it, than I am for any of those other children.

In the UK you are. 28 days of it for every full time employee.

I wasn't. I was doing bank nursing (before relocating abroad) as no jobs were available at the local trusts. A lot people are not having a great time jobs wise.

I’m self employed. When I time it to have no work for 2 weeks to have a holiday, do you think I’m still being paid? Because I’m not. Not everyone has paid leave.

Bank nursing is not "a full time job". It's an ad-hoc temporary job. The same employment laws don't apply.

It's also irrelevant. If your kid has a birthday and the other parent is unwell, you don't just shrug your shoulders and cancel the party. You rearrange it for a day when you're off work or you change it to a sleepover or something easier to manage after a day at work. It's obvious the kids dad is a shit parent that DGAF. The OP has pretty much said it herself.

By your own admission you are not an employee. You self employed. You're completely in charge of your own time and able to do something on some day so that your kid has a birthday celebration. And the OPs BIL could do the same if he happens to be self employed. But he won't because he's a shit dad who doesn't care.

I care about basic child safety for the children I'm responsible for is nuts. It's not clicking for you that the principle we have diverted into talking about is beyond the scenario. You have long-windedly confirmed my original statement that you are a safeguarding risk.

I am not a safeguarding risk and what I've said isn't nuts. I simply choose to draw the line about what is my business and what I'm responsible for, in a different place to where you would choose to draw it. I don't have to share your opinions. I don't have to believe the things you believe. I don't have to take responsibility for things, or people, who aren't my responsibility. Its called personal choice and having boundaries about where I expend my time and energy. That's just basic facts of life and something you appear to be unable to understand. It doesn't make me a bad person or a safeguarding risk because I'm not responsible for safeguarding random children who are nothing to do with me and who I haven't agreed to look after. If you think I'm responsible for safeguarding any and all children, just because they happen to be in my vicinity or related to a child I am looking after, then you are IMO a fool.

Actually, not caring about the safeguarding of children just because they aren't in your care DOES make you a bad person. Hope that helps.

I haven't hosted a kids birthday party since about 2015, but we never had the problem of unwanted siblings being foisted on us. However, once when we arrived at the venue of DS's trampoline party there was a bit of a barney going on with two miserable looking kids stuck in Reception and the staff desperately trying to get hold of their parents as the hosting parents refused to accept responsibility (or pay) for these two 'extras'. I think they were right but I would have crumbled. Staff were obviously panicing about the safeguarding situation.

There are two people in my DDs class who always insist on bring their siblings. They ask but it still takes the piss imo. Especially when the activity is a per head cost. Parties in a hall when parents are staying are a bit different - I’m relaxed about that.

I have two kids and we enjoy spending the 1:1 time with the other when there’s a party they are not invited to!

🙄