How can I turn down uninvited siblings politely from nieces 9th birthday party?

[ThePetiteMermaid]

I changed my user name for this and some details as it’s pretty outing (and a long post sorry - trying not to drip feed) but I need advice please.

My niece has a birthday party coming up this week and my Dsis was originally going to book a party package doing an activity with food and party bags included.
It worked out as far too expensive for her as a package because you need a minimum amount of guests to book and so she decided to take a smaller friend group and pay for them to do the activity individually and then to take them to a fast food place to eat.
She also decided instead of party bags to just do cake to save money and thought the kids might not expect one after an expensive activity and might be too old to be bothered anyway at 9 years old.

My Dsis became ill unexpectedly and had to have an operation which means she’s unable to host the party and her DH is at work so she asked me to do it.
I didn’t want my niece disappointed so have taken over the WhatsApp group to finalise things and I have a friend to help on the day.

I have had two messages from two mums basically saying siblings need to attend as it’s school holidays and not really asking but telling me. There hasn’t been any money offered but one mum put “Lucy isn’t expecting a party bag but I’m hoping you will be able to provide a meal for her”.

The other mums message was a bit more polite saying “Katy can’t come without her sister Jess as I have no one to look after Jess, I hope this isn’t an issue as Katy is really excited about coming to celebrate Amy’s birthday”.

I can’t believe how rude and cheeky this is, surely they aren’t expecting my Dsis to pay for the extra kids?
Even if the parents do offer to pay I don’t want to be responsible for two extra kids who will probably be a different age category anyway.

I want to reply saying that the party numbers are final and we can’t stretch to additional guests financially and also I don’t think two is enough people to safeguard extra children.
I wasn’t sure if I should include the financial part as they might have been expecting to pay for the siblings on arrival.

I was hoping for some help please in writing a response that is polite but firm, my Dsis said one of the mums will possibly try to drop the sibling off anyway as she has form for this.

I don’t have children so feel uncomfortable dealing with this and I was really surprised to hear it’s a common request, I can understand if it was a cheaper venue like a hall party when the kids were younger but not for an expensive activity!

I’m also wondering what to say to kids if they are expecting party bags. With one mum mentioning them in the text I’m thinking others might expect them and kids might ask for one. I don’t have the money or time to provide them and wouldn’t have a clue what to put in them, I don’t want to stress my Dsis when she’s ill and already fretting about pleaving me in charge, surely a slice of cake is enough?!

It would be helpful if someone could also give me a suggestion of what to say if someone does attempt to drop off a sibling please.

I’m ND and not the best with confrontation or awkward conversations and I’m really pissed off I’ve been put in this position and my niece will be really upset if the two girls can’t attend because we can’t include siblings although that maybe can’t be helped.
I wouldn’t have been as keen to volunteer to help if if known I’d be dealing with these cheeky requests and worrying about bloody party bags!

I’ve posted quickly but I have to go out now so I won’t be able to respond much until later.
I just thought I’d better add this in anticipation of people asking “where has the OP gone!”
I will update after I’ve hopefully handled the situation tactfully!

There's always that one who takes it too far. Some of you are actual safeguarding risks for children. If you would put the child at risk you wouldn't be "nice".

If you want to be big and bad, better to tell the parents that they either pick up their kid or you will call social services, and mean it.

A child being left at the reception is not at risk. The parents will have to come back to
collect. I know a lot of people who simply wouldn’t have the money to pay another £10/15 to get that child in so including them in the party would simply not be possible. And cancelling your kids party at that moment is absolutely out of the question. So, the uninvited kid would be left at reception. The child would be a stranger to you, uninvited and nothing to do with you. The reception staff can leave them on a chair until a parent turns up. It’s not the responsibility of the host parent.

Good text, @ThePetiteMermaiddid you get any replies?!

That's terrible! I would never ask someone to take a sibling. I've hosted parties before and have had parents ask if siblings can come, or I've messaged and said to those with siblings whether they can or can't come. I did one where it was a set number activity and had a couple of parents bring siblings but only to watch not to take part. I actually had spare slots as there were people who had to cancel last minute and they were super appreciative when I offered for their sibling to take part in the activity and they definitely didn't expect it. I also brought spare party bags and they tried to refuse when I offered to the siblings, but I pretty much forced them to take it lol ! You are very generous to be even on helping at all. I would have cancelled the party /rescheduled it.

Did you not read the part about dumping the child in a taxi unsupervised???
And if you read my replies EYE am absolutely not letting a parent get away with this. By my solutions don't include any safeguarding risks.

For me, better to be direct and rude upfront. My suggested message for OP was to warn the parents that she knows some of them will try it and that if they do their kids will not be joining in so they better come correct.

This is spot on

I would never accommodate my child not being able to do what they wanted at their own birthday party. The OP has explained that the areas are split up by age so if they have a younger sibling in town, that means they can’t use that space. Thats super unfair.

I did accommodate a sibling once actually. My son’s bestie’s dad died a few weeks before the party and he asked to bring his older brother along. I had my daughter and another similar aged sibling come too so it wasn’t too obvious and it didn’t change anything about the party as it was older siblings. I haven’t had a parent stay at a house party since they were 5 so there’s no excuse really

I'd tuck some colouring materials and a couple of books into a bag and have them ready if Lucy's mum tries it on and drops off the sibling ... she can sit in reception doing it while you text her mum that that's where she is and she needs to come get her.

Great message OP.

Party bags are absolutely not necessary IMO.
Years ago I would stock up on Natural Jellies when on special offer, and would give children a bag of these at the end of our parties.
They did the job just fine, but I reallydon't think one is necessary especially after such a generous outing.

No absolutely not 😂.

I won’t be making another cake when Dsis has already paid for a professional one which was expensive and with having time off from work she literally can’t afford to pay any more for this party - especially not for uninvited guests.

Amy doesn’t want any extra kids she doesn’t know there and younger ones wouldn’t be allowed in some areas and older ones might take over everything.
Some people might be relaxed about siblings but it looks like the majority of people aren’t so it’s not fair for some parents to try to pressure people to invite them for their own convenience when it has a negative impact on the party.
Reading some previous posts it seems asking people to pay extra for siblings entry and meal doesn’t guarantee you won’t be left to pay it if parents just drop off and leave.

Luckily a pp said all children need signing in, paying for and given wristbands to show they have paid. I checked this and luckily it’s correct so that’s made me feel much better about anyone being dropped off and sneaking in, if they are dropped off somehow I’ll be ringing the parents to pick them up straight away.

I put my message on the WhatsApp group just now and cut it down a bit as some people have pointed out if it’s too long it might not all get read or just ignored. I think it’s covered everything and I’ve made it clear Amy only wants invited children and I’ll only be responsible for those invited.

I’ll update but hopefully my message will just be acknowledged without anyone trying to change my mind 🤞.

Good for you, OP!

I think they are trying to take advantage of you op with you not being the parent. Add in the fact that it’s half term and they want their kids to be entertained for nothing.

Well done for holding the line.

As a single parent I found parties tricky when my kids were younger but now they are 11 and 8 I can drop and go. There’s no way I’d entertain siblings at a 9 year old’s party, that’s ridiculous

Excellent update @ThePetiteMermaid !!

Well done @ThePetiteMermaid ! You should hire yourself out as the Put Upon Party Parent Wing Woman!

I can hear a new career calling… 😂

.

Your niece might be nicer/easier going than my girls, but age 9 they definitely wouldn't have wanted an extra sibling at their birthday.
Absolutely not.

It seems asking people to pay extra for siblings entry and meal doesn’t guarantee you won’t be left to pay it if parents just drop off and leave

Exactly, @ThePetiteMermaid

Luckily a pp said all children need signing in, paying for and given wristbands to show they have paid. I checked this and luckily it’s correct so that’s made me feel much better about anyone being dropped off and sneaking in, if they are dropped off somehow I’ll be ringing the parents to pick them up straight away

It's good news about your venue also signing them in upon payment, but you won't be able to call the parents if they switch their phones off (which IME CFers tend to do)
So personally I'd have a Plan B with something like the books a PP suggested for any "extras" to use in reception. You can always leave the parents a message - their fault if they don't pick it up - and if venue staff ask about the kid in reception simply say they're nothing to do with you

Personally, as I give zero fucks these days, I'd have wrote "Hi Lucy, I've heard you have form for leaving off a sibling at peoples birthday parties. Just letting you know that this will not be tolerated at Amy's party, any sibling abandoned by yourself will be left for the staff to deal with, which I imagine will involve them reporting child abandonment to the police." 😆

I have a 9, 4 and 2 year old. At 9 it is drop and go, no need for siblings to also attend. For the 2 and 4 year old (usually softplay) I often ask if I can take both to avoid driving back and forth. I always offer to pay for the uninvited child and would not expect them to be fed or given cake or a party bag!

At 9, I wouldn’t have thought any of the guests would want their siblings along either.

I would respond along the lines of ...

'No extra children will be taken, the number of places WE have allocated for neices party activity are filled. If child X can not attend now, please let me know ASAP so their place can be offered to another child'

Cheeky fuckers!

This is so over the top. Like OP doesn't have enough to think about. She's already doing a massive favour to the niece's parents, one of whom should be taking the day off work to give his DD a birthday party not dumping it on someone else. Now she's being expected to make up party bags that the child's own parents had no intention of making. If OP wants to do it, it's fine for her to buy whatever cheap sweets are in her local shop for 50p and if the parents don't want their children eating them they can deal with that themselves upon collection when the party bags are being given out. There's really no need for OP to go around reading ingredients lists trying to cater for all and sundry dietary preferences.

I'm not a safeguarding risk to any child I'm responsible for. I'm also not going to spend my life on hols in a phone queue when I'm supposed to be doing my nieces birthday party and I'm certainly not ever going to be hanging around with an abandoned child for hours until social services shows up. Putting them in a taxi to their home address is safer than leaving them to run around the venue/street/wherever they end up unsupervised. The parents in this scenario have already been told that they're not to drop off siblings. They'd have another message from me about the taxi and if they didn't pick up that message that's their problem. By being nice what I meant was I wouldn't speak harshly to the abandoned kid I'd explain their parent has "accidentally" gone home without them "by mistake" but not to worry because there's a taxi coming to take them home. If you think that makes me not nice because I won't tolerate CFs or don't operate from an assumption that all taxi drivers are paedos, that's fine, you can think whatever you like, I really don't care.

I'm reminded of a party that my youngest dd went to years ago.
Two different mums dropped off the 'guest' and a sibling and slotted off. Despite being told on the invite that no siblings could be accommodated.
When it came time for tea the two uninvited got themselves a seat at the table. There were only enough seats for the real guests so two were stood awkwardly to the side.
Party mum takes the two interlopers away to seats at the side and peace is restored