to think it is acceptable to smack someone if they touch your body, even if they have dementia?

[haleey]

I visit my grandad in a care home regularly and sometimes male residents will touch women unexpectedly. I’ve had my waist touched, boobs grabbed and one man touched my privates while smiling at me. I know they are ill and confused, but honestly I think people act as though women are supposed to just tolerate it because “they can’t help it”.

Part of this for me is that I have been assaulted before, so my reflex when someone suddenly touches me unexpectedly is to hit out before I even properly think. It is an automatic panic response.

Recently one resident suddenly grabbed me and I instinctively smacked his hand away. One of the staff immediately told me off and said “he can’t help it”. I understand that dementia affects behaviour and judgement, but I found it upsetting that the focus instantly became about him rather than acknowledging that I had just been touched without consent and panicked.

I’m not talking about beating vulnerable elderly people or deliberately hurting confused residents. But I also don’t think women should be expected to quietly accept unwanted touching because the person is elderly or cognitively impaired.

Has your husband suffered sexual assault or rape in the past, which causes a trauma response? Was he smaller and potentially weaker than the woman? Did he feel intimidated and frightened for his safety?

Even so, smacking someone's hand away isn't the same as 'whacking them one'.

In a nutshell, yes. It's a home filled with very unwell people.

Once again this isn't something that only happens with men. My very prim and proper elderly relative is now horrifyingly inappropriate with young male carers. The thing that shocks me is it seems to be seen as a bit of a joke when it's old women.

Try reading my first post again.

You can't seem to read. Not a good sign.............

OP described it as: "I instinctively smacked his hand away"

So, swatting/slapping/swiping - she didn't haul off and strike his body or head in a punitive manner, she hit out at the thing that was making violating contact with her (his hand), in an attempt to get it away from her.

Where do you want men and women who have dementia put? Solitary confinement?

Yes it is a home that other people can visit to see other residents. The residents do not get to say who can and cannot visit the home.

It is a home with limitations.

Oh right, it only matters if you've suffered sexual assault in the past. I was sexually abused as a child, I can still behave like a responsible adult round sick people and if I couldn't I woulldn expose myself to a situation I can't cope with.

The OP smacking residents isn't helping stop female residents being assaulted. If she has concerns she needs to report them.

That doesn't answer the question. In this situation, where the staff shrug off and dismiss male residents sexually violating people, who is protecting the smaller, weaker, vulnerable female residents?

Yes.

The smacking was a reflex from PTSD from previous sexual assault to make him stop. All the men have been much bigger than me.

I agree that she should report the failures by the care home staff, yes.

But that doesn't change my point.

Read back your post and decide if that is an appropriate response to a stranger on the internet recounting a very embarrassing, uncomfortable position that a man was put in.

You sound as if he should have embraced it and then laughed it off. He didn't.

Are you trying to pretend you didn't say you smacked him? The post is still there, we can all read what you said.

The staff will be protecting the residents rather than aggressive visitors.

Yet you keep going back after being assaulted 4 times. What happened the first time? Did you tell the staff?

However, would you like to not get a say on who visits your home?

You can't seem to read accurately.

You said I said the word slapped. Try stopping pretending I used the word slapped in my OP.

Not a good sign...............................

No, but people who have been sexually violated may be more likely to have instinctive responses.

Good for you! How terribly well evolved of you. I don't think I would necessarily be able to control myself - but it's equally possible that I might freeze up and regress and be unable to react to defend myself, as it is that I might swat a hand away.

Personally, I think that care homes should make sure their residents can't sexually assault visitors or other residents, rather than that family members should be unable to visit their loved ones lest they be sexually assaulted.

This up the female residential family to decide if this place is right place for them .

Will they? How?

Will they? Have you asked them personally? No? Well, then.

I’m convinced that the vast majority of people would see mildly slapping away a groping hand to be entirely appropriate. In fact I think they’d be bewildered at why this was even an issue!

It seems like the reaction to the routine smacking of children in previous generations has exceeded all rational bounds with some people.

If we are at the point that a mild instinctive tap in response to sexual assault is considered assault, and worthy of being banned, rather than a natural and appropriate response to a major violation for which the recipient needs supporting, then we have entered the twilight zone, where wrong is right and right is wrong.

It’s this attitude that the focus should be on the negligible harm caused to the abuser in receipt of a mild tap, at the expense of the trauma caused by a sexual assault, and the expectation that the victim must behave impeccably in not reacting to the assault, that is on a parr with the judge’s attitude in the appalling sentences given to the Fordingbridge gang rapists.

@haleey how would feel if your grandad was hit by vistor

So you think that the woman who assaulted my husband should have been locked away at visiting time?

Victim blaming again.

I shouldn't visit my grandad in his own home now because the other people who live in their home assault me. But it is their home (even though have no right to stop anyone visiting).