to think it is acceptable to smack someone if they touch your body, even if they have dementia?

[haleey]

I visit my grandad in a care home regularly and sometimes male residents will touch women unexpectedly. I’ve had my waist touched, boobs grabbed and one man touched my privates while smiling at me. I know they are ill and confused, but honestly I think people act as though women are supposed to just tolerate it because “they can’t help it”.

Part of this for me is that I have been assaulted before, so my reflex when someone suddenly touches me unexpectedly is to hit out before I even properly think. It is an automatic panic response.

Recently one resident suddenly grabbed me and I instinctively smacked his hand away. One of the staff immediately told me off and said “he can’t help it”. I understand that dementia affects behaviour and judgement, but I found it upsetting that the focus instantly became about him rather than acknowledging that I had just been touched without consent and panicked.

I’m not talking about beating vulnerable elderly people or deliberately hurting confused residents. But I also don’t think women should be expected to quietly accept unwanted touching because the person is elderly or cognitively impaired.

By supervising them male and female. You don't seriously think staff are there to look after visitors. It's a dementia home, if you can't cope with that then stay away

Funny how it’s always the females (or their families in case of residents) that have to adjust , manage , restrict themselves and make changes.

It’s nothing of the sort. That comparison is disingenuous to say the least.

If he touched someone in an unwanted way and they hit back as a reflex, then that is fair enough.

Wow. This response really sums up much of this thread in a nutshell. Women always get the short end of the stick.

You have a cheek to talk about another poster being unable to read.

The home have every right to say who can and cannot visit.

I have been told I need to stay out of the way 🙄

The residents don't.

Yes, repeatedly. Why won’t you?

Yes, obviously. Her family could visit her in her room. I'd also be concerned about other residents, depending on her behaviour.

People talk like they know the home, the residents and the staff!

If the males are supervised how come they got close enough to OP? Are all residents kept separated and not in grabbing distance? Do female residents all have a 1 2 1?

Well said 👏

Well thankfully, she wasn't. She ISN'T WELL.

Why thankfully? And what does her being unwell have to do with anything?

Mental capacity, whether low intelligence or dementia should not be seen as an excuse for sexual violence. Yes, those individuals may have diminished ability, but they still recognise what they are doing. We are dehumanising them by pretending they are incapable of acting morally, and that women must just suck it up of they are the victims of it, and god forbid the try and protect themselves by tapping away groping hands, lest the groped experiences a moment of slight discomfort following the tap.

Jesus Christ! Did you actually say that?

OMG. You do realise that we are talking about places that people are mentally unwell in?

And thankfully because she's someone's daughter, wife, mum, granny. aunty etc and, although my husband was upset about what happened, he just avoided her after that because he realised she just wasn't well and she was all of these things to her family.

I know!

No, obviously I didn't say it, which is why you didn't just read it

Yes, if a dementia patient is known to sexually violate visitors, then their family should visit them in their room, to avoid it happening. Horrors!! Additionally, if they are repeatedly being sexually inappropriate with other residents, they need to be either kept separate, or have constant supervision.

Honestly, I think it's strange that you all want your loved ones suffering from dementia to wander around and sexually violate people - wouldn't they, in their right minds, have wanted to be prevented from doing that? I know I would!

And men then because it happens to them too.

What on earth does any of that blather have to do with the home keeping her away from visitors that aren't related to her at visiting times, so she can see her family without groping people?

Exactly, why would this be an issue.

I love my relatives dearly, and we are not a violent family in the slightest, but if hypotheticallymy father got dementia and someone slapped him away if he tried to grope them, I’d be mortified and my thoughts would be with the victim. I’m 100% sure the men who get slapped away when they grope aren’t traumatised by the experience of a mild tap.

The ability of some people not to be able to distinguish between violent assault and an instinctive mild slap in response to sexual assault is staggering.

FFS, because it was a one off as she'd taken a shine to him. She thought he was gorgeous. We moved to a room and let her stay with her pals in the communal area.

It's a thing called "compassion" - google it maybe.