to think it is acceptable to smack someone if they touch your body, even if they have dementia?

[haleey]

I visit my grandad in a care home regularly and sometimes male residents will touch women unexpectedly. I’ve had my waist touched, boobs grabbed and one man touched my privates while smiling at me. I know they are ill and confused, but honestly I think people act as though women are supposed to just tolerate it because “they can’t help it”.

Part of this for me is that I have been assaulted before, so my reflex when someone suddenly touches me unexpectedly is to hit out before I even properly think. It is an automatic panic response.

Recently one resident suddenly grabbed me and I instinctively smacked his hand away. One of the staff immediately told me off and said “he can’t help it”. I understand that dementia affects behaviour and judgement, but I found it upsetting that the focus instantly became about him rather than acknowledging that I had just been touched without consent and panicked.

I’m not talking about beating vulnerable elderly people or deliberately hurting confused residents. But I also don’t think women should be expected to quietly accept unwanted touching because the person is elderly or cognitively impaired.

Female residents with dementia often acvuse male carers and rezidents of raping them and everyone of stealing from them.

I was sexually assaulted by an elderly man when I was 18. I was told to just forget about it as he had dementia. I hadn't placed myself near him, he came over to me. I was told that he was known for doing it to women, as if that made it any less horrific for me. Many years later, if the same thing happened now, yes, I'd slap his hand away, dementia or not.

I am sure they do. In my grandad's care home, it is mostly men who are grabbing at women according to the care staff.

It is such a horrible and violating experience to go through. So sorry you went through that 💐

He was trying to get into my mother’s room which I wasn’t going to let him do & instinct took over, I’m afraid.
Yes I felt a bit guilty afterwards but my priority was my mother’s safety.

They had strict regulations when aggression occurred by residents, be it to other residents, their families & carers. They had to inform the police, social services & the CQC, covering all bases.

I understand. It is a violation and it's natural to hit out at someone who is touching you when it is unwanted.

Staff are not there all the time to stop the care home residents from doing this (male or female btw).

I don't know why people keep comparing men with dementia to babies.

No one has ever been raped or sexually assaulted by a baby, so they won't have any instinctive trauma responses, and additionally, babies are not intimidating, taller than an adult woman, or physically potentially stronger.

Yes, neither men with advanced dementia or babies know what they're doing, but only the former poses a potential threat, or may be an intimidating and triggering reminder of past trauma.

You should be barred from the care home if you can't control yourself. Just as you would be barred from other places with vulnerable people if you couldn't control yourself.

So sexual assault is ok if you do it in your own home? Depressing to see how much some women are willing to excuse this behaviour.

Or - the care home should be making sure that residents can't sexually assault anyone. If they can assault a visitor, what do you think they might be doing to female residents who can't defend themselves or call for help?

As a pp said up thread, she had to fend off a man who tried to enter her mother's room, and sexually assaulted her - and yes, that was dealt with promptly, thankfully. But what would've happened to her mother if she hadn't been there?

What is happening to female residents in care homes where male residents can have sexual assault brushed off and dismissed as, 'he didn't mean to'?

You didn't swat him away, you slapped him. Well you slapped four times.

Try reading. It helps.

Not just men. Women seem to be excused because.. well because they aren't men.

Depressing how many women have no understanding of the disease that’s now the biggest cause of death in the UK.

Apparently it is the home of the residents yet other people visiting other people in their home are allowed to visit but need to watch out for sexual assault.

Nursing homes are very particular environments, occupied largely by people whose illness means that they are unable to behave appropriately. Not only is it their home but with dementia residents there they cannot leave of their own volition. Doors are secured and codes are required for entry and exit. These residents are not there by choice but because they are vulnerable adults. The OP, and all visitors need to be mindful of that reality and take at least some responsibility for their own safety.

This is not in any way comparable to a normal domestic setting.

Read your first post. You say you slapped. Later you say this wasn't a one off and you proudly say you will do it again.

Are you forgetting what you've said? Not a good sign.

The OP is not accepting that smacking and hitting is not the way to deal with the situation. It wasn't a one off. She has done it 4 times. She cannot be around the other residents if she is doing it.

Again, unlike the residents you have choice and agency. You can move away as they approach, ask staff for assistance, avoid being in communal areas, leave if you feel uncomfortable, or as you seem unable and unwilling to take account of the reality of a nursing home, not visit at all.

Unlike the residents, you have choices.

The problem might be they see people with the early symptoms and don't realise how it can progress. People with more advanced dementia aren't generally out and about socialising

Responsibility for their own safety?

But other (female) residents are at risk too. And given the staff reaction to seeing these men groping OP, and also to her response, I have to think that they are not protecting female residents.

Everyone on this thread who is brushing it off as, 'oh, they have dementia, they can't help it', or 'you should be responsible for your own safety', or, 'why don't you just avoid their grabs as you're able-bodied', seems to not be taking that particular aspect into account.

What about other residents? Who protects the female residents who are just as trapped, vulnerable and wandering everywhere? Or is this behaviour only aimed at younger women?

Of course not but he isn't well FGS. My husband was sexually assaulted by a female patient when we went to see my Dad. Should he have whacked her one?

And why do people keep referring to swatting him away or swiping him. She hit him because that's what slapping is.