to think it is acceptable to smack someone if they touch your body, even if they have dementia?

[haleey]

I visit my grandad in a care home regularly and sometimes male residents will touch women unexpectedly. I’ve had my waist touched, boobs grabbed and one man touched my privates while smiling at me. I know they are ill and confused, but honestly I think people act as though women are supposed to just tolerate it because “they can’t help it”.

Part of this for me is that I have been assaulted before, so my reflex when someone suddenly touches me unexpectedly is to hit out before I even properly think. It is an automatic panic response.

Recently one resident suddenly grabbed me and I instinctively smacked his hand away. One of the staff immediately told me off and said “he can’t help it”. I understand that dementia affects behaviour and judgement, but I found it upsetting that the focus instantly became about him rather than acknowledging that I had just been touched without consent and panicked.

I’m not talking about beating vulnerable elderly people or deliberately hurting confused residents. But I also don’t think women should be expected to quietly accept unwanted touching because the person is elderly or cognitively impaired.

You are not even there! I see grandchildren running around.

Why are you making up crap?

Victim blaming?

There is a lot of it on this thread sadly.

There are several options between hitting and staying quiet. As anyone with a child, teenager, dog, horse or demented loved one knows very well.

Common sense.

PTSD bollocks. You are angry at whatever happened to you, quite rightly I’m sure, and you’re using that as justification to hit other men. The self-righteousness, self-pity and refusal to see any other options is the give away.

And PTSD is highly treatable.

We have rightly moved away as a society from routinely smacking kids as a punishment, but I think the idea that we have to be completely physically passive to any inappropriate touching, whether adult or child, is crazy…. with some people, such as you, feeling the need to make an equivalence between a premeditated beating and a mild, reflexive swat to prevent unwanted touching… that’s batshit and taking things to a ridiculous extreme, only making women more vulnerable to asaault.

In general I'm getting really sick of the idea that if abuse or assault is unintentional then that should make the victim feel better about it. It doesn't.

Why do you use the word swat instead of smack though? The OP said smack. Not swat. I also didn’t mention anything about routinely and premeditatively beating anyone. I said if a parent said they “smack their hand away” about their child people would still say it was wrong.

You are deliberately using the words swat to sound nicer and’s more gentle and beating to sound awful and horrible. Whereas the word smack which was actually used?

For me the difference is a swat is about your own body, you want the offending thing off you. A smack is where you deliberately aim at the other person's body.

In my experience it often does. I remember seeing an A&E colleague with a black eye one day and asking her what happened. She said an elderly patient with dementia had punched her, she was really sorry for him because he couldn’t help it.

The OP herself used smack though. And I still don’t think people would be happy if someone admitted to “swatting” their child if the child kept pulling their hair or something. Or if a carer swatted a child with SEN who did something like grab them or their hair or similar.

I once swatted my baby's hand away when I was breastfeeding and they grabbed the other nipple. It was a shock thing, I had no idea babies did that. It can be an involuntary reaction.

Oh, next you’ll claim OP deliberately seeks out this men to have an excuse to hit them as an outlet for her rage?

This. All day long.

Nailed it!

You were both victims, if wasn’t your fault and it wasn’t his fault.
It happened as a consequence to a terrible illness that destroys families.
Ask for a private room next time.
Care staff are trained to deal with hands on patients.

They said I should be barred from the care home 🙄

You should if you’re unable to take sensible steps to avoid situations that provoke you.

It's his home.

As are male staff...

Yes both male staff and female staff.

In the care home that my grandad is in, the care staff have told me it is 95% men who are doing the unwanted touching.

Yes women in the care homes assault male staff too.

When my mother was in a care home, I was sexually assaulted by an old man with dementia.
I tried to be gentle at first but I had to shove him away in the end as he was not taking no for an answer, laughing & grabbing at my breasts & trying to feel me up. He was like a bloody octopus with hands everywhere, he was stronger than he looked with zero inhibition, it was alarming. I know he had dementia but at that point I wanted him off me.
I was also concerned as he was trying to come into my mother’s room when this happened.
I complained straight away & they were already arranging for a male carer at all times as he had been a bit handy with the female carers. He’d only come in the day before.
Fortunately he was only in for respite care. I just felt sorry for his usual carers as it couldn’t have been very pleasant for them.

I am very sorry you had to go through this 💐

Sadly some people on this thread will say you assaulted him by shoving him.

And here we have an example of a nursing home taking appropriate action when a new resident touches a visitor inappropriately.

OP, I’ll ask again - having experienced 4 incidents of inappropriate touching, what action have you taken?