to think it is acceptable to smack someone if they touch your body, even if they have dementia?

[haleey]

I visit my grandad in a care home regularly and sometimes male residents will touch women unexpectedly. I’ve had my waist touched, boobs grabbed and one man touched my privates while smiling at me. I know they are ill and confused, but honestly I think people act as though women are supposed to just tolerate it because “they can’t help it”.

Part of this for me is that I have been assaulted before, so my reflex when someone suddenly touches me unexpectedly is to hit out before I even properly think. It is an automatic panic response.

Recently one resident suddenly grabbed me and I instinctively smacked his hand away. One of the staff immediately told me off and said “he can’t help it”. I understand that dementia affects behaviour and judgement, but I found it upsetting that the focus instantly became about him rather than acknowledging that I had just been touched without consent and panicked.

I’m not talking about beating vulnerable elderly people or deliberately hurting confused residents. But I also don’t think women should be expected to quietly accept unwanted touching because the person is elderly or cognitively impaired.

You said you’ve done it four times and intend to continue to do so rather than take any action to prevent being touched. In fact you mock any suggestion of preventative action.

Some people are struggling to understand hitting out as a reflex from PTSD from sexual assault and are instead choosing to see it as voluntarily hitting an old man.

I know I will react in the same way again because it is involuntary and part of PTSD. But sure make out I am going round hitting old men who are just sat there doing nothing.

If you know you’ll do it again you should avoid the situation where you react in this way. You appear to have no self control and no ability to take responsibility for yourself. And you’re being encouraged on this thread.

It is great advice which you persist in sneering at. You seem to take some kind of perverse pleasure in putting yourself in situations which lead to you assaulting residents with dementia in their own home.

The obvious solution, as those of who are familiar with nursing homes and dementia have suggested, is to avoid other residents when in shared spaces in the home, move away when you see them approaching and spend visiting time in your grandfather’s room with the room closed and locked if need be.

You seem to take some kind of perverse pleasure in putting yourself in situations which lead to you assaulting residents with dementia in their own home.

Victim blaming at its finest. You don't mention how they assault me.

They can't assault you because they can't form intention. You're planning to hurt them, though, which IS a crime.

I would have thought, given your history, that you would be hyper-vigilant about potential threats and take action to avoid being close to anyone who might touch you.

This all day long.

You should avoid being in close proximity to them. That’s pretty easy to achieve. Be aware of your surroundings, who’s around you and move away!

It's odd that you can see you can't control your reaction but refuse to understand that the dementia sufferer can't control their reaction.

You should not be around dementia sufferers because of your reactions. If you can't spend time with your grandfather in a private room you really shouldn't be allowed to see him. I'm sure that would make you sad but setting you sadness against an unwell person being hit means their safety comes first.

I have spent much time in a care home, with both my FIL and MIL (dementia wing).
I have never been touched by another resident. Is the one your grandad is in very small so you have to pass very close? I can’t imagine how carers are managing wheelchairs if it’s so rammed.
Was it the same resident who groped your breasts, touched your waist and touched your genitals?
What happens if you’re out and a toddler touches your bottom in a supermarket?
If you have a formal dx of PTSD you maybe quietly let the home know, since you’re attributing your behaviour to this mental disorder. I’d like to know if my family member what at risk of being smacked by someone.

Think of it like crossing the road. Cars shouldn't be running into you, if they do you are a victim but you have to take some responsibility green cross code etc. No one would say it's a good idea to just step into the road without checking for traffic.

Assault is an intentional act.

I agree. If the OP isn’t prepared to take any action to stop this happening she needs to stop going to the nursing home.

I’ve already made that comparison re taking personal responsibility but it got sneered at, as have all other sensible suggestions.

A dementia nursing care home as out of control as the one you describe should have been closed down long ago. With the sort of care you’ve described, all of the residents are at risk including your own granddad.

As an adult visiting the home, you have a responsibility to take action and report the home to Adult Social Care and the Care Quality Commisson asap.

I’m sure you already have but please ensure the family members responsible for your grandad are aware of your concerns and can find alternative care for him.

Oh course your not wrong to remove his hand as long as it wasn’t excessive force than it’s fine

men and women can became over sexualised and lose there inhibitions especially if they’ve frontal temporal dementia it’s the part of the brain that regulates emotions and appropriateness sadly it’s part of the condition that people are rarely prepared to understand it’s part of the condition

What's the point in this thread, you're not interested in posters that don't agree with you and are just going to carry on. What are you hoping to achieve.

Really? I’m comparing two people who don’t understand boundaries.

You said in a previous post it was four times. Not once. And that you'd do it again.

"What happens if you’re out and a toddler touches your bottom in a supermarket?"

This. Except given that it's apparently happened four times, so is predictable, and it's her going in to the home of the disabled people - it's more like going into a nursery class or a playground where it's foreseeable to be touched and then lashing out when touched. Four times.

Except given that it's apparently happened four times, so is predictable, and it's her going in to the home of the disabled people - it's more like going into a nursery class or a playground where it's foreseeable to be touched and then lashing out when touched. Four times.
Nailed it!

She wants people to say that yeah, under the circumstances, it’s ok to smack vulnerable people.

Yep!

This. All day long.