to think it is acceptable to smack someone if they touch your body, even if they have dementia?

[haleey]

I visit my grandad in a care home regularly and sometimes male residents will touch women unexpectedly. I’ve had my waist touched, boobs grabbed and one man touched my privates while smiling at me. I know they are ill and confused, but honestly I think people act as though women are supposed to just tolerate it because “they can’t help it”.

Part of this for me is that I have been assaulted before, so my reflex when someone suddenly touches me unexpectedly is to hit out before I even properly think. It is an automatic panic response.

Recently one resident suddenly grabbed me and I instinctively smacked his hand away. One of the staff immediately told me off and said “he can’t help it”. I understand that dementia affects behaviour and judgement, but I found it upsetting that the focus instantly became about him rather than acknowledging that I had just been touched without consent and panicked.

I’m not talking about beating vulnerable elderly people or deliberately hurting confused residents. But I also don’t think women should be expected to quietly accept unwanted touching because the person is elderly or cognitively impaired.

The staff at the care home have a duty of care to your grandad, the other residents and visitors. Your grandad should be facilitated to have his family visit, you should not have to endure sexual assaults and the other residents should be protected from harm that may come to them in response to their behaviour. You need to escalate this as high as you can. If the managers won’t do anything then report to the local authority and/or CQC. Perhaps they can’t accompany you everywhere, but residents who have a tendency to touch people inappropriately should be monitored at all times. Staff changeover is not an excuse as a protocol should be in place and new staff need to adhere to it. This is not acceptable for anyone involved here.

Oh yes, definitely. It is assault but it's a position she should never have been in. The man cannot be at fault but I can't see any official investigation chasing an assault charge for the OP either, despite it being assault because the repeated neglect of the care home is so severe. OP is still a victim, though but the home, not the man are liable.

She has clearly said she slapped him.

I have compassion for you for the previous assault. I am so sorry that happened to you.

However, you also need to have compassion. This man has dementia, he is not responsible for his actions. You were wrong to smack him.
The most at fault is the useless care home which failed to keep him and you safe

At the end of the day the man with dementia can't control his behaviour. The OP can't control her reaction due to trauma. He lives in the care home, she doesn't. If she can't be more aware of people around her or control her reactions she shouldn't be in the home

Of course, hopefully they will. You should not have hit this vulnerable man with dementia and the staff should not have let him exhibit sexualised behaviour towards you.

CQC

Stupid comment

Agree. So much empathy for everything else, literally none for dementia. People are clueless

No it isnt.

One day he'll do it to someone whose reflex reaction is to throw a punch, not just slap his hand away. The people responsible for his care should be considering if that's the right setting for him.

I was the same when I went to see my Dad. Would you rather they DBS checked you before seeing your relative? Bear in mind that a DBS check just means you haven’t been caught.

That example was just her worst. She begins her post with:
I worked in a nursing home in my late teens, those pervy male dementia patients were once young pervy men.

That is a generalisation of all the make dementia patients who exhibited sexual behaviour. And it's an arrogant and totally false generalisation.

I hate the idea of anyone calling my MIL 'pervy' whatever her behaviour. Because it wasn't her, nor was it within her control.

We don't know what type of carehome this is, or if it's s specialist dementia home,

I'm joining you (though you won't see this).

I'm finding this thread really painful and upsetting. I can't beat to read one more post where people with this feature of dementia are called pervs.

No. This study does not show that. I’m talking about the % of men v women who have this type of behaviour.
id bet my last £ that it’s more likely men displaying this behaviour than women.

I don’t disagree that there will be some women who do it also

It’s just another version of the endemic ageism on MN. So many posters who cannot imagine what it’s like, or have empathy for anyone over 30 or so.

I’ve been thinking for a while about how it is pretty much impossible to have adequate safeguarding procedures in place in nursing homes. Church choirs, for example, are required to have everyone PVGed (in Scotland) even though they will be together as a group in a communal area of the home with staff present and never be alone with a resident.

But there can’t possibly be any such checks on visitors - who can come and go as they choose, and could easily if they wished have access to a resident they don’t know in their own room. It’s really nightmarish. And yes, you also have residents behaving inappropriately towards each other. As I said earlier, nursing homes are not happy places.

What the OP and some others on this thread seem not to understand is that nursing homes are closed environments in which the usual social norms do not apply. Residents - and for them this is their home, even though they may not even be aware of where they are and many cannot freely leave - as a result of illnesses like dementia do behave in ways which are unpredictable and inappropriate. And they absolutely should not be assaulted!

This.

Quite.

And one of the actions the nursing home could and I think should take, is to ban the OP from visiting the home as she has already assaulted 4 residents and states that she would do so again.

So you think there should be no visitors?

How is it different?

I don’t know what that is.

Care Quality Commission. Think Ofsted but for Care Homes.

Thank you.