to think it is acceptable to smack someone if they touch your body, even if they have dementia?

[haleey]

I visit my grandad in a care home regularly and sometimes male residents will touch women unexpectedly. I’ve had my waist touched, boobs grabbed and one man touched my privates while smiling at me. I know they are ill and confused, but honestly I think people act as though women are supposed to just tolerate it because “they can’t help it”.

Part of this for me is that I have been assaulted before, so my reflex when someone suddenly touches me unexpectedly is to hit out before I even properly think. It is an automatic panic response.

Recently one resident suddenly grabbed me and I instinctively smacked his hand away. One of the staff immediately told me off and said “he can’t help it”. I understand that dementia affects behaviour and judgement, but I found it upsetting that the focus instantly became about him rather than acknowledging that I had just been touched without consent and panicked.

I’m not talking about beating vulnerable elderly people or deliberately hurting confused residents. But I also don’t think women should be expected to quietly accept unwanted touching because the person is elderly or cognitively impaired.

What happens when members of staff carry out necessary physical restraint? Do you object to that too and think the police will be called? What do you think triggers physical restraint? Someone in danger?

For the person who equated stealing a biscuit to sexual assault, they don’t really compare, do they?

What if, being unable to speak, the only way for pp's mother to try to stop the man was to struggle/shove/hit at him to the best of her ability?

What has PTSD to do with this ? If OP has experienced previous assault or has PTSD as a result, then even more reason that she should take appropriate steps to protect herself. And by that I mean not only ensuring she takes steps to protect herself from other residents, but that she realises that intentionally physically assaulting vulnerable care home residents in the mistaken belief that this will somehow teach them not to engage in this behaviour, is not only futile, but is very likely to land her in serious trouble when she’s inevitably spotted in abusive behaviour.

Several posters on this thread would blame your mother saying she is responsible for staying away.

Sorry this happened to her numerous times 💐

Just have a bit of compassion for vulnerable adults, with dementia needing residential/nursing care.

This has kind of happened to me before, teenage guy with SEN trying to hug me without warning, I shoved him away hard as an instinct. I have ASD and ADHD and do not tolerate people in my personal space without warning well.

The victim blamers would call that assault.

A reflex slap is understandable. Having visited my grandma and then stepfather in care homes over many years, I just can’t understand how someone can actually get close enough to be groped though. Most of the residents spend their day shuffling round the building or sitting in chairs sleeping. They’re certainly not dexterous enough to lunge in on a much younger person.

Then I’d imagine the lack of ability to communicate her distress vocally would be taken into account as mitigation.

Staff should have teaining in how to physically restrain a patient safely.

How does compassion work when I am being assaulted and my reflex is to smack the person assaulting me?

I think its you who needs educating. It's a gradual decline and many people have periods of good me mental clarity. Do we even know these residents have dementia, or are you just making assumptions? People go into care homes for all kinds of reasons. Also, read up on PTSD, because you seem to be completely dismissing the impact it can have on someone, acting as if she something OP has control over.

Both of them are victim blamers.

A reflex slap is neither understandable or acceptable if you are visiting a facility where you know you are likely to be approached by vulnerable residents who don’t have the capacity to understand their own actions.

The victim blamers would say you assaulted him.

I understand why you shoved him.

Wow. I cannot believe that you're trying to say a woman who has had a stroke should be done for assault for trying to stop a strange man from climbing into bed with her, and doing god knows what.

The misogyny is dripping off you, and there's no point in me engaging with a rape apologist.

Wow, ok I see now, you're completely ignorant of the impact of PTSD. What appropriate steps should she take?

100% this.
If OPs post is accurate and not just rage bait, it's insane that the staff (whether nurses, HCAs or carers) are turning a blind eye to this. Sounds like an extremely dangerous place for all. Shocking OP doesn't seem to be worried about her gf being somewhere like this.

Most care home residents have dementia.

This is a shit show all round. Op should not be put in this position and should also not be hitting vulnerable people. It needs reporting to adult safeguarding and the care commission/inspectorate. Are you going to do this OP?

Well its in the Op that the man has dementia
And yes it can be a gradual decline ,it can also be quite rapid depending on the tyoe of dementia
But if they have a disgnosis as the title suggests then their capacity will be impaired in some way even if it fluctuates.

I didn’t equate stealing a biscuit to sexual assault. I was referring to my DM’s response by hitting that resident and the action that was taken by staff in response to the hitting.

When I visit my DF in the nursing home I am always aware of the other residents, where they are and what they are doing or might do. I am always prepared to move away from them if they get too close and their behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable. And I’ve not been physically touched by any of them. If I had been then I would have met with the manager to discuss how future visits could be managed safely.

For the OP to have been assaulted at all is obviously distressing for her, and I surprised that it has happened repeatedly. That indicates a very poorly managed nursing home who are failing to protect both visitors and residents.

At varying degrees, and you know these specific mens medical history, how?

Not everyone in care homes has dementia, and its not an excuse that covers everyone.

I'd have said "neither can I"

OP clearly does have control over it because she’s stated several times that she intends to carry on committing physical assault in response to being touched by other residents. She’s planning it. And depending on the type of dementia, decline is anything but gradual - it’s a stepped decline, sometimes the steps occurring in quick succession. My own mother had vascular dementia and her periods of lucidity were rare and fleeting - not to mention distressing as they gave her a very brief insight into her situation. People with dementia tend to go into full time care once they lose the capacity to look after themselves, so the periods of lucidity are few and far between by that point. PTSD is not a free pass to assault vulnerable sick people in what should be their safe space.