AIBU for being sad and upset about people's behaviour at my church

[babyblueskies]

I (32) am a single mom to my dear son, 14 years old.

Background: We moved to a new town (230 miles away) because of my job's demands. Life has been very difficult, but we managed. We have been living here for 1.5 years now. More than a year ago, we found this church. My son and I are happy to find a community, though we miss our old church dearly.

But we love this new church. People have been kind, always praying for us etc.

My son has been very active, playing the guitar for the music team and would always show up at every practice even for when he is not playing (he plays once a month). We also attend every Sunday.

Our friends Friend A and Friend B, (I don't know now if I can still call them that) from church who are in their 50s invited us to their child's 9th birthday party. My car is at the garage and they know it. I would think they'd offer a lift because they offered everyone else and there is a lot of room in their cars, but they told me and my son to walk and even said "it's not that far" when it's a 40 minute walk away (it's a small town with no taxi, no Uber and there's no bus going there because it's in a very secluded area, so it is only accessed by driving).

Now, they expect us to be at the party at 1PM and we all know how hot it has been. And they expect us to walk in the scorching heat for 40 minutes?

So I said, okay, we will just walk, and we did!

We survived, we managed and we made it, even while carrying the gift for their child.

At the party, everyone was already there, everyone from church. I was already in a bad mood because I felt upset about what happened.

Now, I did not have any energy to say hi to people. And I noticed how only a few acknowledged me and my son's presence. A lot of them who would normally say hi, ignored us. They walked past me. Then it hit me. That I was always the one going out of my way to say hello to everyone. But when it's my turn, people treated us like we're invisible.

Of course my son did not notice, but I was hurting inside.

Then I realized something.

We have been going to this church for a year now and the youth there (there's around eleven kids age 14-24) have never spoken a single word to me.

One time I walked past one of them, his name is E. He is the son of a good friend of mine there.

I said, "Hi E." He just ignored me.

He is 17 years old.

I said, "Oh maybe he's just shy." Etc but it's been a year now. I don't mean no harm by being at least civil.

This happens all the time. For example, every Friday whenever we have Bible study, this is the scenario, I would be sitting on the couch with the other moms (ages 40+, I am the youngest) and the kids (age 14-24) would walk in, greet all the other moms and ALWAYS skip me, not talk to me, no eye contact like I didn't exist. And this has been going on for a year.

When I got home I actually cried. I just realized how little I mattered to these people when I saw them as family. It's not like I am requiring them to acknowledge me. Maybe even just a civil because I am tired of every interaction being awkward.

I asked my son about it and he said he does not mind, he says he likes hanging out more with the adults anyway.

But I did not reveal to him how I felt.

I am just glad he does not take it to heart because I do.

You were hot and in a bad mood with no energy to say hi to anyone, I wonder if that was sensed by the others?
I would have given you some space too.
Also they invited you to the party, if they didn’t want to make an appearance fort with you they wouldn’t have bothered.

Youre coming across as very entitled, eyeing up their car for lifts and oh no, you had to carry a gift and walk.

What do you mean by "my turn" did they know it was now apparently your turn?

you all sound as bad as one another.

Nothing like friendly Christians

Sounds like a typical church to me. No one is as friendly as the piously religious!

I'm talking 30 years ago, so I'd hope attitudes will have changed, but DP (then preteen) was ostracized by their church after their father left and shacked up with another woman.

Other kids were allowed to come over and play anymore, incase they caught "broken home" somehow.

It, too, was in an isolated town so your opening line made me wonder.

Turn the other cheek

You sound awful. "Entitled"?

You're just twisting yourself in knots to find some vague justification to kick someone when they're down.

Well maybe keep your eyes open now on how they continue to act towards you! And then you can see if it was a one off or not.

Maybe they think you're a threat to their marriages being young and single? It sounds silly but it can be a thought. Or they think you're still an outsider.

Perhaps it's a sign to broaden your horizon for social interaction beyond the church. So could your teen join a band/ sea scouts/territorial army/paintballing/martial arts to meet new folk.
You could socialise with work, men's sheds, new church, martial arts class etc
Expose yourself to some new people and expand your circle
If you're rural you'll have to try the towns nearby or driving a while but that's to be expected.

Sorry for some reason I thought you were a single dad, so perhaps not the mens sheds lol

Who voted YABU?

Your church is a clique. Leave and find another.

This has nothing to do with a long walk in the heat.

40 min walk shouldn’t be too much of an issue for most 14 or 32 year olds, however, doesn’t really sound like they wanted you there if they drove everyone else. All sounds a bit fake and forced. Are you really friends, or just acquaintances? Maybe it means more to you than it does to them.

Next time, say “sorry to ask but is there any chance of a lift?” I’m sure someone would give you one. other people would have been hot and bothered today too and likely the teens were grumpy. I’d carry on with it but keep an eye out for the social cues and then assess

By 'nothing to do with a long walk in the heat' I mean your attitude and your conclusion are warranted. The accumulated total of other rudeness was confirmed on the day of the party.

I was in a church for 25 years and thought I had friends there. I left because of some issues with new leadership and only two people started in touch with me. Two. After 25 years. I realised then that lots of people in churches are incredibly fake and are only friendly if you are at the church. They aren't actually your friends.

I'm sorry, it hurts, but I would change churches or stop bothering to interact with these people and just focus on the sermon and praising God.

I would not walk 40 minutes in the hot sun for my own family lol no matter what age I was. Sounds appalling behaviour on their part. Perhaps there wasn’t enough space in their car, but suggesting you walk was not on.

But agree that it can be a shock to discover that the other person doesn’t see you in the same light you see them. But keep going. Even 1.5 years is not that long in the scheme of developing deeper friendships. It takes a while and ignore the youngsters.

You’re in a really awkward position age-wise from what you’ve said, so that may be one of the reasons why it’s difficult socially.

You say about the “kids” being aged 14-24, but 24 certainly isn’t a kid, and you’re actually closer, or as close, in age to them as you are to the other mothers.

Obviously there’s no reason why people can’t have friends of all different ages, and it helps if you have an interest in common, but I do wonder whether that is a factor.

It sounds rather insular as well, so for all those reasons I’d probably be looking for another, possibly larger, church.

Try a different church.
And don't be a shy mouse.
You could have asked if anyone else who was going could give you a lift.
But frankly I'd have just declined the invitation if the hosts could have taken you but told you to walk instead.
Don't abase yourself.
That's not godly just stupid.
I know whereof I speak...

I can see why you might expect more from church folks, but I think you are just facing the reality of being a new comer into what sounds like a fairly tight knit community. You haven't mentioned anything you have in common with these people other than that you have chosen to go to the church they've been attending for some time.

It's at all surprising that teens who probably grew up surrounded by the other mums speak to them but see you as a stranger. Nor that the others have routines about who drives whom where, or have full friendship circles that you don't really fit into. The best place to make friends tends to be somewhere that other people who are looking for friends are also going. I would look for new classes, new hobbies, and other people new to the area.

Like I say, I see why you might expect more of church folks but they aren't generally much better than the rest of society. Look to the church for spiritual support and look somewhere else for friendship.

You probably don’t fit in with the rest of them, being a younger single mum. It’s clear they don’t wan to make the effort with you. I wouldn’t have bothered going. Hopefully you can find a new church/community.

Im guessing by your post that you’re in America? It gets VERY hot in some parts at this time of year so I can understand why you wouldn’t look forward to the idea of walking 40 minutes in that. For what it’s worth I don’t think you sound entitled, but rather disappointed and it is magnified by the fact that you have no other family or long term friends in this area apart from your son.

I would suggest branching out somewhat by finding a new class, hobby or interest that helps you meet more people. I’ve learned the hard way that you can never depend on one group of people to meet your needs socially, no matter how natural it might feel to be around them. This sounds like a small community where maybe the locals aren’t used to mixing with people from “outside” their area and so they are naturally more comfortable with those they’ve known all their lives. This is most likely something that even they aren’t aware of, but again I’ve seen this in real life too.

I’m a single parent and was when I moved to a new area, so I can relate to the feeling of establishing yourself without any existing connections and completely solo, I felt certain people just didn’t want to know because they just cannot understand how someone would end up in that situation - mainly those who’ve never experienced an abusive relationship. However, I met some incredibly generous hearted people who I focused on.
I think you’re expecting probably a little bit too much of people. People have busy lives and it’s not that they don’t like you or even care, they just have their own shit going on.
in terms of teenagers ignoring you - that’s normal teenage behaviour, it might not be polite but I’m always surprised if I get a friendly hello back when I greet one.
1.5 years isn’t very long in a new area, it takes at least 5 years to form deeper relationships.

IMO church types are some of the most unwelcoming, judgemental hypocrites out there. Sweet to your face while they stab you in the back.

Why did you choose to live in such an isolated place?

I have lived in villages without going to the church or the pub and it’s very lonely

Have you considered moving to a large city. I live in London and you can join the church or not but unlike village life it won’t matter if you don’t conform to “normal” because everyone’s idea of normal can include anyone

I think you have to look around and be aware that (hazarding a guess) being the only single mum, or single mum not from the village you are in these people’s eyes the oddity to be eyed with suspicion

It won’t ever change

Did you ask any of them for a lift?

Sorry you're feeling so down about it. I'm sure they would be horrified if they knew how excluded you feel, when from their point of view, they probably see inviting you as including you.

I think the church can be a funny place to make friends. Over the years I’ve realised I don’t have friends in the church. They are all acquaintances. It’s been a painful process.
It’s not you, it’s them!

Well done for calling out one of these bitter, nasty for no reason MNers. They really piss me off