AIBU for being sad and upset about people's behaviour at my church

[babyblueskies]

I (32) am a single mom to my dear son, 14 years old.

Background: We moved to a new town (230 miles away) because of my job's demands. Life has been very difficult, but we managed. We have been living here for 1.5 years now. More than a year ago, we found this church. My son and I are happy to find a community, though we miss our old church dearly.

But we love this new church. People have been kind, always praying for us etc.

My son has been very active, playing the guitar for the music team and would always show up at every practice even for when he is not playing (he plays once a month). We also attend every Sunday.

Our friends Friend A and Friend B, (I don't know now if I can still call them that) from church who are in their 50s invited us to their child's 9th birthday party. My car is at the garage and they know it. I would think they'd offer a lift because they offered everyone else and there is a lot of room in their cars, but they told me and my son to walk and even said "it's not that far" when it's a 40 minute walk away (it's a small town with no taxi, no Uber and there's no bus going there because it's in a very secluded area, so it is only accessed by driving).

Now, they expect us to be at the party at 1PM and we all know how hot it has been. And they expect us to walk in the scorching heat for 40 minutes?

So I said, okay, we will just walk, and we did!

We survived, we managed and we made it, even while carrying the gift for their child.

At the party, everyone was already there, everyone from church. I was already in a bad mood because I felt upset about what happened.

Now, I did not have any energy to say hi to people. And I noticed how only a few acknowledged me and my son's presence. A lot of them who would normally say hi, ignored us. They walked past me. Then it hit me. That I was always the one going out of my way to say hello to everyone. But when it's my turn, people treated us like we're invisible.

Of course my son did not notice, but I was hurting inside.

Then I realized something.

We have been going to this church for a year now and the youth there (there's around eleven kids age 14-24) have never spoken a single word to me.

One time I walked past one of them, his name is E. He is the son of a good friend of mine there.

I said, "Hi E." He just ignored me.

He is 17 years old.

I said, "Oh maybe he's just shy." Etc but it's been a year now. I don't mean no harm by being at least civil.

This happens all the time. For example, every Friday whenever we have Bible study, this is the scenario, I would be sitting on the couch with the other moms (ages 40+, I am the youngest) and the kids (age 14-24) would walk in, greet all the other moms and ALWAYS skip me, not talk to me, no eye contact like I didn't exist. And this has been going on for a year.

When I got home I actually cried. I just realized how little I mattered to these people when I saw them as family. It's not like I am requiring them to acknowledge me. Maybe even just a civil because I am tired of every interaction being awkward.

I asked my son about it and he said he does not mind, he says he likes hanging out more with the adults anyway.

But I did not reveal to him how I felt.

I am just glad he does not take it to heart because I do.

Maybe try a different church? It's not nice to feel you don't truly belong. I know we expect churches to be different, but they are made up of people unfortunately.

I think with any kind of group its difficult when you're a bad fit especially due to something as unchangeable as your age. I wonder if the telling you to walk that 40 minutes was because they weren't that fussed if you were there or not.

Personally I'd only stay if I got something out of the worship. It doesn't sound like you're going to be close with these people.

But the OP apparently didn’t ask. Don’t ask, don’t get.

And, bluntly, it’s on her for choosing to walk for 40 minutes on a very hot day to a 9 year old’s birthday party, and then complaining about it online.

It is clear she needed a lift, are you neurodiverse to need it spelled out? Because most people are not that literal and hung up on a direct request.

What is this dig about complaining online? She is isolated and venting on a social forum This is literally the purpose of MN. You sound severely lacking in empathy and emotional intelligence. Try to be a bit nicer life is too short.

I’d leave it for a couple more weeks in case your bad mood was clouding your judgement but if it persists I would have to assume the church has an issue with you being a young single/divorced/whatever mother.

The logical solution is to find a nicer church.

Because it’s highly unlikely that ‘everyone from church’ somehow magically knew her car was in the garage, and as large numbers of them appear to have gone from church straight to the party, presumably by car, there would almost certainly have been someone willing to offer a lift to the OP. But they didn’t have a chance because she didn’t ask them.

About 70% of the dilemmas posed on Mn could be solved by people using their words.

They didn’t “tell her to walk 40 minutes”. They invited her to an event and it was open to her to decline the invite if she was unable to get there?

I think it's way too much to see "these people like family". I get that you have a shared faith and pray together etc, but there's no shortcut to genuine bonding and you've not been around long. And unless you want them to be very fake, not everyone will warm to you anyway.

It's crazy to me for you to be getting upset about some youths not being especially friendly to you - where else would expect an unrelated 17yo to even acknowledge you let alone be friendly and make an effort with you.

You were invited to the party and then got yourself upset because you weren't taxied to and fro. Unless there's something wrong with you and DS, walking 40mins in the UK sunshine is hardly crossing the Sahara. Wear a hat/headscarf and suncream, drink water, there's no need to be so melodramatic about it.

To get the hump over that and then start seeing all these failings in these people who have in fact welcomed you, way faster than many new rural communities would do, is an issue of unrealistic expectations not of their failings. Have you held a party for everyone and offered to give everyone lifts? Don't you think people have enough on their hands hosting and giving some lifts to their old friends who will have more established routines than someone recent like you.

Change churches or move again if you must but there's no guarantees that everyone will like you and live up to your expectations. It's easier to change your own expectations not to be low but just to be real about people being human and not putting on a show of all being genuine close friends with anyone who shows up.

Yeah most people avoid kids bday parties like the plague

OP, in the nicest possible way, I think you are reading far too much into this one event.
I also wonder whether it's wise to build your entire life around the church? By all means continue to go if you have a faith, and find the services helpful. But the people there are not your family, nor should they be. Try to develop connections and friendships in other places too, like work and school. Maybe take up a hobby or do some volunteering? In other words, don't put all your eggs in one basket.

I know people who have left the church I'm in and lose all their church friends. It's really sad.

OP, I'm sorry you feel like that and not appreciated or valued. It's not nice.

I would definitely let them know how you feel, it's important to get feedback and they might feel ashamed and take it to heart.

Some churches are just not the right fit and no matter how hard you try, the people might just not be drawn to you in the same way you're drawn to them so although it shouldn't be like that, trying out a different church might help a lot.

Age does play a part. I'm the opposite - always the oldest mum and I have literally nothing in.common with mums 10 to 20 years my junior so I just speak with the grandmothers and find that far more stimulating!

Glad I'm an Atheist if that's how so-called Christians behave.

These people sound about right for church going Christians.
People being kind doesn’t mean they are your friends or even like you, it’s just what they think they should be doing

Prioritise yourself and your well being and your son’s.

This entirely.

I find some religious people creepy. When I've done some digging they have turned out to be 'reborn' after committing a nasty crime against an elderly or vulnerable person. "god forgave them" (in prison), the state forgave them (prisons overcrowded, early release), they feel that their sins have been forgiven...

Not by me, they haven't

I keep away from the church. Songs of praise is full of ancient folks, and the younger ones think their poo is a bit fresher than mine. Ask Justin welby... He covered up child abuse, yet god did he like to preach... Love the authority, pointy headdress, holding crowns... But he was a different character when confronted about creepy priests on TV. Hissed, bared his teeth, got quite offended that someone dared counter how he saw himself.

To the op. They aren't your friends. They don't care about you at all. You son is safer away from them.

I go to church.

the general advice is that you need to find a church that works for you.

this clearly isn’t it.

having said that I would have asked for a lift. My car was recently in the garage and I asked.

Me too. Some of the most unchristian people around are Christians.

It sounds cliquey, but as I avoid churches and churchy people I have no constructive advice. Except maybe check out some other churches to see if there are nicer ones.

Sadly, this is the reason why I stopped going to church.

I agree with this.
Is there a youth club on friday or status au evenings that your son can attend so he gets to meet more of the youth?
I don’t tend to speak to the teens at mine tbh. It doesn’t even offer to me so I wouldn’t notice if they did at say hello. They prop ably say hello to their friends’ mums. If you are quite new there and you want to talk to them, apart from the one E, you should make the effort with them.

If they haven’t walked from yours before, they probably didn’t appreciate that it’s that far to walk. You should’ve asked for a lift and then said you couldn’t make it. You ended up there in a bad mood, hot and resentful which a natural response after that .

Just reDing the comments about not going to chirch, etc. There are lots of lovely churches around. Especially for the sake of your son, i hope you don’t contemplate not attending any chirch. You have your faith and he needs the help in building his into adulthood. He sounds like an amazing easy going kid. You’re doing a great job.

Are there not taxis where you live?

The people who invited you may have been oiase off that you turned up pissed off and grumpy to a party

I think she's in America so perhaps not.....

I've generally found that anyone who says "trust me" all the time are the very people not to trust and keep a weary eye on.

Religions are the epitome of "trust me" in my opinion.

Overheated, in a bad mood and "don't have the energy" to say hi. I suspect that put people off from approaching you.

You didn't need to accept the invitation to a 9 year old's party if it was inconvenient for you to attend.

I think being hot and bothered has skewed your view. You are a very recent arrival to the area, which sounds quite rural if there are no taxis or buses. Fitting in to a new area takes a lot of time and effort.