AIBU for being sad and upset about people's behaviour at my church

[babyblueskies]

I (32) am a single mom to my dear son, 14 years old.

Background: We moved to a new town (230 miles away) because of my job's demands. Life has been very difficult, but we managed. We have been living here for 1.5 years now. More than a year ago, we found this church. My son and I are happy to find a community, though we miss our old church dearly.

But we love this new church. People have been kind, always praying for us etc.

My son has been very active, playing the guitar for the music team and would always show up at every practice even for when he is not playing (he plays once a month). We also attend every Sunday.

Our friends Friend A and Friend B, (I don't know now if I can still call them that) from church who are in their 50s invited us to their child's 9th birthday party. My car is at the garage and they know it. I would think they'd offer a lift because they offered everyone else and there is a lot of room in their cars, but they told me and my son to walk and even said "it's not that far" when it's a 40 minute walk away (it's a small town with no taxi, no Uber and there's no bus going there because it's in a very secluded area, so it is only accessed by driving).

Now, they expect us to be at the party at 1PM and we all know how hot it has been. And they expect us to walk in the scorching heat for 40 minutes?

So I said, okay, we will just walk, and we did!

We survived, we managed and we made it, even while carrying the gift for their child.

At the party, everyone was already there, everyone from church. I was already in a bad mood because I felt upset about what happened.

Now, I did not have any energy to say hi to people. And I noticed how only a few acknowledged me and my son's presence. A lot of them who would normally say hi, ignored us. They walked past me. Then it hit me. That I was always the one going out of my way to say hello to everyone. But when it's my turn, people treated us like we're invisible.

Of course my son did not notice, but I was hurting inside.

Then I realized something.

We have been going to this church for a year now and the youth there (there's around eleven kids age 14-24) have never spoken a single word to me.

One time I walked past one of them, his name is E. He is the son of a good friend of mine there.

I said, "Hi E." He just ignored me.

He is 17 years old.

I said, "Oh maybe he's just shy." Etc but it's been a year now. I don't mean no harm by being at least civil.

This happens all the time. For example, every Friday whenever we have Bible study, this is the scenario, I would be sitting on the couch with the other moms (ages 40+, I am the youngest) and the kids (age 14-24) would walk in, greet all the other moms and ALWAYS skip me, not talk to me, no eye contact like I didn't exist. And this has been going on for a year.

When I got home I actually cried. I just realized how little I mattered to these people when I saw them as family. It's not like I am requiring them to acknowledge me. Maybe even just a civil because I am tired of every interaction being awkward.

I asked my son about it and he said he does not mind, he says he likes hanging out more with the adults anyway.

But I did not reveal to him how I felt.

I am just glad he does not take it to heart because I do.

Reflect on all of this when you have calmed down. Is your gut still telling you that you are right about these people being unkind all along? If so, go church shopping. Pray on it, ask for God’s help and guidance.

It is entirely possible to find a church where all ages and stages take genuine delight in seeing each other, helping each other and facilitating participation, because to love each other, as Christ has instructed, does actually mean we must LOVE each other. We are also all sinners so they need to take the plank out of their eye before judging a single mum.

Some of these comments seem so removed from what I recognise as knowing healthy church life. The first Christians pooled all their money and resources…. A modern Christian can expect a hello and a lift!

If you do feel these people have been unkind to you and wish to move on to a new church, I’d really recommend you pray for the church you are leaving behind, forgive them, it should bring you peace and closure, and God will bless you.

I will pray for you, I am sorry to see your distress at all of this. I hope whatever you do next you find great fellowship.

Also, just wanted to say your son comes across as a lovely young man, I hope he can connect with nice people his own age.

This is a bit odd OP.

You were invited to a party. It’s not usual to offer to pick people up to attend something at your house, particularly when you were able to walk. It’s a big imposition on the host who already has a lot of other things to think about.

You could have asked someone else you knew for a lift if it was an issue for you.

Teenagers and young people are not well known for making polite conversation with adults they don’t know, I’m not sure why you expect them to?

Church communities are a special type of judgy and cliquey people. I have seen how they ostracise people who don't fit their close minded mould. Try and find friends outside of the church.and you will be a lot more relaxed about trying to fit in.

Religious people can be a bit weird with single parents. My DS's best friend at primary school was part of a very religious family and I had him (maybe aged 7) telling me that couples should work on their problems!! She'd keep asking if I was ok, almost in tears and sometimes she'd be really snappy. Always played Christian music when I went to their house🙄

I think they think they ought to be good Christians and be kind but it's in a very patronising way, like you're some sort of charity case and different to them.

It never really occurred to me that lots of people act strangely around single parents and you were obviously young when you had your DS. Maybe they've been talking about you and the adults are masking and pretending to be nice whereas the young people aren't mature (for want of a better word) enough to do that.

Well you are incredibly irresponsible and a fool to have walked 40min in the heat! No one except you would do that. Why were you so desperate to attend this party and please these people. And to put your child through that walk!
you’ve also said that you noticed they ignored you many times before, so more fool you for trying to please these people.
Still can’t believe you made your child walk in scorching heat for 40 min!!

I would think it very odd if I invited someone to a party and they then asked me for a lift!!! That's very odd. Especially two healthy young people. And then you were crabby on the day.

I would perhaps reflect a bit about how you reacted to the invitation and whether they has caused some issues.

You're clearly not up to much today OP.

We don't actually know what other people are thinking, and actually, as another poster has said, the other people at the party could easily have been picking up your vibes.

I would rise above it. Continue to be friendly and open. At least in that way you'll be being true to yourself.

Disappointing, you'd expect better from church who claim to follow a God who was born "out of wedlock" and a refugee, who welcomed the marginalised in his time.

Some churches do not do well at all at welcoming single parents. Married couples get integrated faster.

Some are bloody brilliant though. (My friend moved church and it sounds fantastic)

Yes could you post the details, I’m interested, thanks.

I think you were being very entitled expecting a lift. 40 minutes isn't that far for healthy young people to walk. You went into the party in a mood about it would have created a bad atmosphere.

They judge you for having a baby unmarried at 18yrs old and for being a single mum.

Church people can be very judgemental, I know from experience having been raised in a very religious household.

In 30oC heat? I'm a walker, can walk for hours, but wouldn't do it in 30oC heat.

You are right in that this shouldn’t be the reality, but it often is. I wish people at church would be more pleasant towards others. In my case, a friend of mine also got to meet the people from my church. They also were rude towards my friend on a separate occasion.

Honestly, a bit bizarre that you thought the couple should even offer a lift... They've got a party to organise and get ready for, not driving around picking up new acquaintances from church. Your lack of car isn't really any of their concern. You either come, or you don't.
If, on the day, you decided it was too hot/too far to walk, you either get a taxi (a 40 minute walk can't be more than 3 or 4 miles, surely?) or you text your apologies and promise to bring to gift for child next weekend at church.
If you turn up at the party, tired, over-heated and feeling grumpy, I'm not massively surprised the other guests "read" that, and gave you a wide berth.

I think "the youth" being unfriendly at church is a separate issue. Firstly, you're a 32yo adult woman. Why do you care about some snotty rude teenagers? Concentrate on building relationships with the other adults there.

But at the end of the day, if you're not feeling the bond with these people, then just start looking elsewhere. There are plenty of churches around who would fall over themselves to welcome a keen church-goer and their keen, engaged son. It might not be the first denomination you'd chose, but give them a chance.

I don't really understand why you chose to walk instead of saying, sorry we can't make it this time without a lift - it sounds like that's a bad choice on your side tbh

I feel like you are making a bit much of the forty minute walk. I don't drive, so in the middle of the heat on Saturday I walked my kid 40 minutes to a camp I'd signed him up for, I had to take my five year old with us to drop him off, so we walked 40 minutes there (with luggage) and 40 minutes back ten minutes later.

No it wasn't pleasant but it was also fine. My five year old was a trooper. I see this as more annoying than arduous.

You mention that you are one of the youngest adults. The teenagers may feel awkward speaking to you.

Ease up and stop trying so hard. To do this pretend to yourself that you will be moving on. This will help reset your mind that you really must develop friendships and you’ll come across more relaxed and happy.

Yes, I'd think nothing of a 40 minute walk in the heat. I didn't have a car until I was 30 so maybe I'm more accustomed to long walks in any weather than the typical person.

It is hard because smaller churches have less fun things on, but are more likely to be filled with people really trying their best to follow Christ’s example, and a bigger church will have more buzz and a lot of people who aren’t trying their best, but of course they need to be welcomed too. The minister/pastor really sets the tone I think. The people that were rude to your friend, did you say something to them, did they react well? I definitely spent a lot of time trying different churches, it can be hard and I definitely needed God’s help with it

I hope you are having a better day today.

what I would say, on some parts of the country where people have often moved for work, it’s pretty normal to join a church and immediately get enveloped into the community. However, in other areas where most people have lived there for a long time /have wider family and have known each other for years in various different ways (church, sports clubs, school, went to the same scouts, had Saturday jobs in 6th form at same supermarket etc), joining the church won’t give you the same sense of being part of the community straight away.

Perhaps take a step back from the church being your social life. Still go, but try to find groups outside of this. Encourage your DS to join music groups not linked to church, or other sporting clubs. Focus on building his school friendships, invite school friends over.

This has to be America, it sounds very stereotypical.

When I got home I actually cried. I just realized how little I mattered to these people when I saw them as family

I think they might find you a bit over-familiar for newcomers. Nothing you have said suggests they saw you "as family" and - while they might have wanted to be your friends - they probably don't want to be "your family". That's fine. My friends are my friends and my family is my family.

They are pulling back because they find your needy company uncomfortable.

Also, it was unreasonable of you to think they should drop everything in the middle of their child's birthday preparations to give you a lift. Unfortunately, I think your behaviour at their child's party has probably made them reconsider whether they want to be your friends.

I think there's a lot to unpick, and it isn't clear whether you're expecting too much, which is sending them running, or if they are being rude.
These are the thoughts I had reading what you wrote, and these are not saying that they apply to you particularly; just it may be as well to have a think.

A few things maybe to think about:

1. 40 minutes walk in 30 degree heat isn't that bad for two young people. I'm a couple of decades older than you, overweight and hate walking, and that wouldn't phase me. I'd take water, wear a sun hat and sun glasses, take my time and choose a gift that was easy to carry. Do you often ask for a lift? Or expect people to pick your son up?
2. I didn't drive until dc#3 was born, and didn't have a car. I would never expect the party organisers to offer a lift, even my best friend. I'd ask a few people going if I really couldn't manage it by myself and decline if I couldn't get there.
3. If you're in a mood then you can't expect people to greet you happily. You might get the odd person who tries to jolly you out, but they're at a party, wanting to feel positive rather than listen to your woes. I've never noticed whether I greet someone or they greet me, so this may well be your mood talking to you, if you're thinking everyone only speaks if you speak first.
4. As others have said, the youth have grown up with the other adults so will greet them more naturally. Do you not remember how you felt at that age? Anyone approaching 30 was so old and staid! Awkward! And 24 isn't youth. I was married with a baby, other than that's all kinds of safeguarding issues mixing under 18s and over!
5. Music practice. This is to think over, because my experience of such groups is different, and that's not saying that you are wrong here. Do lots of people go to the music group who aren't playing that week? Because ime (dh is in one) it's normally just those playing that week as they're sorting out how to play it best with the people who will be there on the day. Now it may be done differently for you, but especially as he's under 18 so they'll then need to have an aspect of safeguarding. If he's the only one coming when he's not playing, that may mean they think you're a bit pushy, which tends to mean that people back off.
6. I think until this party you had been feeling accepted and in a community, so it sounds more like you having a low mood than anything else. When I'm low, I tend to go over everything with a fine tooth comb and analyse everything I say, everything they said, relive the conversations, and spiral downwards as in my head it gets worse and worse. Do not write them off as not being friends because you didn't get offered a lift on one occasion. I can look back with the benefit of hindsight on times like these and realise that actually it was my mood and my taking offense when someone had just been less thoughtful rather than deliberately nasty. I don't think MN helps here because people are always inclined to say "they're not your friends" rather than "they may have a good reason for not offering a lift".
7. And lastly, back to the lifts. Having not driven for a long time, I'm very happy to offer lifts. I'll stop at a bus stop and pick people up, happy to take people I don't really know, often offer to people. But it is a hassle at times. Sometimes I just want to drive there, with my own thoughts rather than making small talk and come back without having to agree on a leaving time etc. I want to leave early and go via the shops, or I know I'm on a tight schedule, or they've kept me waiting or there isn't really anywhere easy to stop where they want to be picked up etc. I'm also very aware (from being burnt in the past) that some people go very quickly from "thank you it's kind to give me a lift" through "can you just go via this place so I can nip and just do this" to "what do you mean you're not going; why can't you take me anyway?" So if I start getting any hint of that (not saying you are one of these people) then I will back off rapidly.

I don't think it's anything to do with Church. People are just bloody rude. They don't acknowledge you or " let on" as we say in Manc land.