AIBU for being sad and upset about people's behaviour at my church

[babyblueskies]

I (32) am a single mom to my dear son, 14 years old.

Background: We moved to a new town (230 miles away) because of my job's demands. Life has been very difficult, but we managed. We have been living here for 1.5 years now. More than a year ago, we found this church. My son and I are happy to find a community, though we miss our old church dearly.

But we love this new church. People have been kind, always praying for us etc.

My son has been very active, playing the guitar for the music team and would always show up at every practice even for when he is not playing (he plays once a month). We also attend every Sunday.

Our friends Friend A and Friend B, (I don't know now if I can still call them that) from church who are in their 50s invited us to their child's 9th birthday party. My car is at the garage and they know it. I would think they'd offer a lift because they offered everyone else and there is a lot of room in their cars, but they told me and my son to walk and even said "it's not that far" when it's a 40 minute walk away (it's a small town with no taxi, no Uber and there's no bus going there because it's in a very secluded area, so it is only accessed by driving).

Now, they expect us to be at the party at 1PM and we all know how hot it has been. And they expect us to walk in the scorching heat for 40 minutes?

So I said, okay, we will just walk, and we did!

We survived, we managed and we made it, even while carrying the gift for their child.

At the party, everyone was already there, everyone from church. I was already in a bad mood because I felt upset about what happened.

Now, I did not have any energy to say hi to people. And I noticed how only a few acknowledged me and my son's presence. A lot of them who would normally say hi, ignored us. They walked past me. Then it hit me. That I was always the one going out of my way to say hello to everyone. But when it's my turn, people treated us like we're invisible.

Of course my son did not notice, but I was hurting inside.

Then I realized something.

We have been going to this church for a year now and the youth there (there's around eleven kids age 14-24) have never spoken a single word to me.

One time I walked past one of them, his name is E. He is the son of a good friend of mine there.

I said, "Hi E." He just ignored me.

He is 17 years old.

I said, "Oh maybe he's just shy." Etc but it's been a year now. I don't mean no harm by being at least civil.

This happens all the time. For example, every Friday whenever we have Bible study, this is the scenario, I would be sitting on the couch with the other moms (ages 40+, I am the youngest) and the kids (age 14-24) would walk in, greet all the other moms and ALWAYS skip me, not talk to me, no eye contact like I didn't exist. And this has been going on for a year.

When I got home I actually cried. I just realized how little I mattered to these people when I saw them as family. It's not like I am requiring them to acknowledge me. Maybe even just a civil because I am tired of every interaction being awkward.

I asked my son about it and he said he does not mind, he says he likes hanging out more with the adults anyway.

But I did not reveal to him how I felt.

I am just glad he does not take it to heart because I do.

Is it a very conservative church? Could it because you’re a single mum and had your son at a relatively young age?

@Malinia I completely agree.
I was a member of an Evangelical church and had been since I was a baby.
I married a new comer who was definitely earmarked for leadership so we were both very involved. I was 25 with 2 small children when my DH decided to return to his Catholic roots.
Some of the Church members never spoke to me again, they completely cut me off including the couple that had been our Best Man and Matron of Honour only 5 years before.
We are now 35 years down the road and they have never had contact with either of us again.
I am now very anti religion, I brought the children up as Catholic but don’t do organised Religion myself

The church shoudn't be treated primarily as a social club. You obviously have to mix & try to get along with other attendees but that is not the soul purpose (no pun intended) I would attend with my head held high while mainly considering the true reason for attending church. FWIW I would have declined the birthday invitation rather than walk for 40 minutes in the scorching heat. There is far too much needless fuss & melodrama surrounding children's birthday parties nowadays.

OP they are not worth your spittle, find another church where your value will be recognised.

We previously lived in an area where people would turn their head away or look down if you said good day in passing even if you saw them daily. Now we live somewhere where locals nearly always give a greeting or at least a passing nod.

The worst expression I heard in a church I used to attend was a long term regular announcing 'I see there are strangers amongst us today' The people being referred to were within earshot. It was a city church and the 'strangers' were visitors from abroad. Is it any wonder people new in an area are reluctant to join.

But nothing the OP has said suggests anyone is being rude. She didn’t ask anyone else for a lift. I don’t see why expected it to be general knowledge her car was in the garage. People may well have given her a lift if she’d asked. The invitation was not a summons. The OP was at liberty to decline if she thought the walk was too arduous. And she says herself she didn’t say hello to anyone at the party. She was clearly fuming and respectful after her walk. If she was stomping about with a face like thunder, igniting people, it’s hardly surprising people didn’t greet her.

The teenagers greeting her thing is completely unrelated. Teenagers are spectacularly self-absorbed. She’s been attending this church for a year. She’s probably a background blur to them.

As I understand it, this is a matter of saying ‘There are some new faces today — make them welcome.’

I went to a church I hadn't been to for a very long time, no one knew me. The Priest saw I was a stranger, came over, asked my name and other welcoming chat. When the service started he called out all the names of the visitors in the church that day and asked us to stand up. The usual congregation turned round and greeted us then and afterwards.

I have lived in my village and attended church here for 10 years. I am quite involved in the church (on the PCC etc.) and everyone is very nice and friendly, both in church and village. I know lots of people and have a pleasant time and chat when we meet, but it struck me recently that nobody in the whole ten years, including ones I know best in the church - nobody has ever asked me a single thing about myself. I appreciated it at first, as it was unconditional acceptance, but after all this time it feels different. They don't really know me apart from me being friendly and willing to do things for the church with other people. It is as though our shared interest in and work for the church is enough. These are people I am friendly with, but no one I could call an actual friend. It is so sad. All my actual friends are people I met years ago who
don't live near here.

Definitely! It's meant to be a welcome/we have noticed you/everyone please say hello to them afterward the service.

Absolutely nothing suggests they have been bad-mouthing her behind her back or care about her being a young single parent. She has been welcomed into the life of the church.

A lot of posters slandering them for this, all with no evidence.

To describe visitors to church as 'strangers' I along with others at the time saw it as insinuating a lack of belonging, the creating of distance & an us & them scenario. It is undeniable regulars at church are not inclined to be overly welcoming to new attendees or 'strangers' as I heard them described. When people are new in an area it should be reported to the minister by neighbours who attend the church. The neighbours, minister, pastor, or whatever they are known as should offer a personal invitation to the newcomers to the area as was the procedure in another church I attended in the past. Nobody would be described as a stranger.

Exactly the reason new people in an area are not inclined to go along despite the desire to go for the reason our churches exist.

But these may just be tourists in the area on holiday, or someone who came to the church for the first time out of curiosity or because they were shopping around churches looking for a good fit.

They may not live in the area at all. They are, by definition, strangers to the church.

I would certainly think it deeply weird if I moved house, had my presence ‘reported’ to a particular church and was then ‘invited’ to attend services.

I mean, presumably services are open to anyone, anyway. No invitation necessary.

Try a Greek Orthodox Church. You'll be hugged and chatted with and force fed lots of yummy foods 😂

Of course it helps if there is an invitation for exactly the reasons described.

If a long term regular brought a relative along for the first time I doubt they would be happy being referred to as a stranger. Nobody is a stranger in the eyes of God. A church is known as God's house. Therefore, the person who described the visitors as strangers had no right to do so.

I’ve been described as a ‘stranger’ at a church a few times. It was intended as a prompt for other people to be welcoming on the part of the presiding priest, not some kind of theological pronouncement about my relationship to a deity.

And you’re missing my point. Strange faces in the church may not be newly living in the area. They may be on holiday, just passing through, or there because they wanted to see the medieval wall paintings.

Do you honestly think they can give everyone a lift?

They invited you ... Yoh accepted. You make your way there. You expect children to be making an effort with you ? Newsflash ... They don't

That would make me run a mile ...

Being noticed greeted and welcomed by the Minister. OK.

Being called out named told to stand up and made a spectacle of
Not good.

The Mystery Worshipper reviews sometimes make for interesting reading...

@whattheysayI wasn’t referring to that behaviour in particular, just living up to Jesus’ standard in general.

Never found church types friendly or nice as they are often very cliquey and quite rude. Definitely short on the milk of human kindness on the whole.

What utter bollocks!

Lmao she is entitled, she expected a lift and was annoyed she didn't get one.

Wasn't trying to kick someone when they were down, was pointing out how moody she comes across.

You're tying yourself in knots trying to be a pick me.