AIBU for being sad and upset about people's behaviour at my church

[babyblueskies]

I (32) am a single mom to my dear son, 14 years old.

Background: We moved to a new town (230 miles away) because of my job's demands. Life has been very difficult, but we managed. We have been living here for 1.5 years now. More than a year ago, we found this church. My son and I are happy to find a community, though we miss our old church dearly.

But we love this new church. People have been kind, always praying for us etc.

My son has been very active, playing the guitar for the music team and would always show up at every practice even for when he is not playing (he plays once a month). We also attend every Sunday.

Our friends Friend A and Friend B, (I don't know now if I can still call them that) from church who are in their 50s invited us to their child's 9th birthday party. My car is at the garage and they know it. I would think they'd offer a lift because they offered everyone else and there is a lot of room in their cars, but they told me and my son to walk and even said "it's not that far" when it's a 40 minute walk away (it's a small town with no taxi, no Uber and there's no bus going there because it's in a very secluded area, so it is only accessed by driving).

Now, they expect us to be at the party at 1PM and we all know how hot it has been. And they expect us to walk in the scorching heat for 40 minutes?

So I said, okay, we will just walk, and we did!

We survived, we managed and we made it, even while carrying the gift for their child.

At the party, everyone was already there, everyone from church. I was already in a bad mood because I felt upset about what happened.

Now, I did not have any energy to say hi to people. And I noticed how only a few acknowledged me and my son's presence. A lot of them who would normally say hi, ignored us. They walked past me. Then it hit me. That I was always the one going out of my way to say hello to everyone. But when it's my turn, people treated us like we're invisible.

Of course my son did not notice, but I was hurting inside.

Then I realized something.

We have been going to this church for a year now and the youth there (there's around eleven kids age 14-24) have never spoken a single word to me.

One time I walked past one of them, his name is E. He is the son of a good friend of mine there.

I said, "Hi E." He just ignored me.

He is 17 years old.

I said, "Oh maybe he's just shy." Etc but it's been a year now. I don't mean no harm by being at least civil.

This happens all the time. For example, every Friday whenever we have Bible study, this is the scenario, I would be sitting on the couch with the other moms (ages 40+, I am the youngest) and the kids (age 14-24) would walk in, greet all the other moms and ALWAYS skip me, not talk to me, no eye contact like I didn't exist. And this has been going on for a year.

When I got home I actually cried. I just realized how little I mattered to these people when I saw them as family. It's not like I am requiring them to acknowledge me. Maybe even just a civil because I am tired of every interaction being awkward.

I asked my son about it and he said he does not mind, he says he likes hanging out more with the adults anyway.

But I did not reveal to him how I felt.

I am just glad he does not take it to heart because I do.

I am going to say it in the nicest possible way but harsh truth.

i have relocated a lot in my life, different countries different cultures, with and without kids, different towns in my own country (france) so this is what i believe works.
i have put this to use in my last move with family and the benefits are MASSIVE.

Its a rule of 3 yrs

1st yr: you re being welcomed and introduced
2nd yr: can be a slog, and lonely. They ve welcomed you, you re no longer novelty, people are back in their routine
3rd yr: you start reaping what you sow.

• when you move somewhere you have yo be the one investing. Nobody is going to make it easy for you, nor should they even if it would be nice to, so INVEST.
• Invest time: invite invite invite. To events, to coffee, to your home if you can.
• invest more time if you can: you re involved in your church, invest a bit of time somewhere else: library, a school to support the kids in reading, a charity, whatever
• be the one that is forthcoming: you say hi, you introduce yourself, plaster a smile on your face
• remember to be assertive with your boundaries though, dont loose yourself
• be authentic and genuine
• be PATIENT

Relocated a lot in the UK

Nothing says clique more that the Christian church going groups.

They were nice initially because they didn’t want to look unchristian but ultimately their clique comes out and not giving you a lift to the party when everyone else was and took up the offer is them saying to you, We have to invite you but take the hint you are not welcome.

If you want to test this out, stop going to church for the next few weeks and see how many, if any come enquiring after you

Dont waste any more of your life with these people. Move on.

I’m not sure why you’re acting like they owe you transport? You were invited and you are an adult who can either decide to walk or not go. 40 minutes even in heat is not a long walk - I did 2.5 hours on Saturday without even meaning to.

So while it is a little off they drove others and not you your behaviour was strange. You walked to the party (optional activity, not mandatory) and then refused to greet anyone and acted angry and upset at a child’s birthday party.

Another note - There will be a taxi service no matter how small the town even if informal. You should start asking around as generally it’s word of mouth - the pubs will know who does lifts for cash.

It can be really hard to know how long to try and when to give up on being accepted into a group. You have my sympathy there OP.

Interesting first post...US spelling...a few thinhs don't add up and it reads like AI to me. Seems like a manufactured opportunity for people to demonstrate their hatred for Christians imo.

I actually think your feelings are warranted here. I wouldn’t have walked 40 mins in the heat. Someone could’ve offered a lift surely. If you feel unwelcome try a new church, there are so many churches that would welcome you. Sometimes you just need to find your people.

OP I have found a very sad fact of church life (of which I have many years experience) - that is my non Christian/church going friends are nicer than my Christian/church going ones!

you just have to suck it up - at the end of the day it’s their problem, but don’t come like them, rise above it, smile and keep on praying for them!

God bless

My first reaction was that OP was in USA bible belt with their oddball cults & sects.

But Brighton with no taxis ? BS.

It was an error to walk to the party in the heat - you should have sent apologies.

Can you consider:

• talking about how you feel with one of the clergy?
• being less 'involved' with the church - turn up for the services, maybe drink the coffee and go and look for friendship elsewhere? If you think of Church as a place to worship God maybe the other people are incidental to that and it's important to focus on your own faith. (I know 'love your neighbour' is important but I think it's sometimes relied on as a reason to allow other people to treat you badly, which isn't AFAIK, what it's meant to mean, but I'm an agnostic atheist so that's maybe a better question for clergy)
• praying more at home?
• being more involved with the church - seeking a formal role as a Church Warden or something where you will have friendly contact with people even if nobody becomes a close personal friend

My husband and I have been to a number of different churches down the years, both home and abroad - baptist, brethren C of E, FIEC. We've only once not been welcomed and talked to - and we're rather shocked. The New Testament tells those who want to follow Jesus that we should be hospitable. Our current church (120+ attendees from different countries on Sunday mornings) is determined that no one will arrive without being welcomed and no one will leave without having coffee with us (unless they really want to race off). If you read any of the gospels you'll find that Jesus wasn't keen on the 'piously religious'......

I also wondered if this OP is AI. It reads as if it is.

I'm more baffled that your calling 24yr olds, " kids ".

I'm not voting on this one as I think it's more helpful try and be constructive. It sounds like there must be a youth group there for your son to go to - if so does he go to it? He's at the age where he's going to want to explore faith for himself,so as an adult even if your experience isn't quite like what you'd want it to be, you're doing a brilliant thing by empowering him to learn/decide for himself. You'll know already that as a parent we often make friends through our childrens' friendships and this can apply just as much at church as at school. I'm not excusing any excluding behaviour by the adults of course,but do please keep going for his sake if he's enjoying it. If on the other hand there's no youth group , perhaps it might be worth considering a church where there is? You don't have to "leave" one church to try another - moonlighting till you find the right one for both of you is just fine 😊 xx

@Toutysorry for the delay in responding. I was attempting to reply as a PM, but that was beyond me. Where my DB lives, the Men’s Shed runs & has for several years, on Tuesdays & Thursdays. Due to interest from wives and women in general, the same space was opened up on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays as well. Women are welcome to come on these days & work on their projects & there’s a glass art workshop offered to women on Wednesdays. Men can come any day, although Tuesdays and Thursdays are their designated days & are called Men’s Shed. Mondays Wednesdays & Fridays are for men & women & are called Community Shed. This model might be unique to that particular location, I’m not sure, but it could be rolled out elsewhere, if the location & volunteers enable it.

There is nothing as unchristian as a Christian. Just look at America.

"Must be AI"
"Are you American"

I studied abroad and been all over the place all over the world that's why. I just got used to it. But I still use military time and write dates with the format dd/mm/yy. Funny I even retyped my spelling of "behavior" but did not edit the rest.

Thank you everyone for the comments and advice

That vicar/priest's behavior is very telling. Indeed, a lot of churches just want to grow in just numbers. Sorry to hear about it too I hope you feelbetter now. We really need a true community

I really love this. It opened up my eyes. Thank you I will remember this from now on. I just don't wanna open up to people in real life about this so this is why I am venting here. I love your advice so much because you gave me real practical life tips. Thank you I appreciate you 💝

Definitely not AI. I wrote the whole thing wth my whole heart, crying even at that time. I have never felt more an outsider in my life. But I feel better now. Thank you to everyone who posted here, the positive comments and even the ones that rebuked me. I appreciate hearing comments from both sides. I didn't want to post on Reddit. I'm happy to have found this site tbh

They are on this site for just such a reason. Worth reporting. Subpars.

I tend to agree with this. We have struggled to even find a compassionate church to meet our needs, nobody is actually interested in any kind of friendship or fellowship outside of the church and we often struggle to get to church so...

We have not had a great experience since we became Christian in 2019. Sad, they are not acting like Jesus eh... no helping the ones who need it really, Like we are supposed to, although I like to imagine there are great churches out there, somewhere. There are certainly great Christians willing to help, I know I have a lot to offer a community, but are we in the church?

I think the problem of a lot of people on this thread is that they're confusing friendship with church membership. The chances of liking and forming genuine bonds with people you meet via a shared belief system is only about the same as you would find with any other hobby -- you have a shared interest, and no more than that. Some people you will gel with, others not.

Hey op Christian here. I totally relate. Been a Christian a long time, moved around a lot but this last move has been the hardest church wise. It's really tough. Everyone talks about their amazing church family and I feel like an outsider. I have no advice but I think it's just harder when you move with older kids. It was so easy to slot in when kids were small.

The thing is, these people will say they are your friends, they will call you "sister in Christ", they will say we are a church family. But they are lying. It's not the same as a hobby because at a hobby people aren't actively claiming a relationship with you that they then drop as soon as you move to a different hobby club.

For me, I didn't think I was friends with everyone in my church, but I did face a group of people I thought were my friends because they told me that they were. And then they dropped me when I left the church. That's the difference.