AIBU for being sad and upset about people's behaviour at my church

[babyblueskies]

I (32) am a single mom to my dear son, 14 years old.

Background: We moved to a new town (230 miles away) because of my job's demands. Life has been very difficult, but we managed. We have been living here for 1.5 years now. More than a year ago, we found this church. My son and I are happy to find a community, though we miss our old church dearly.

But we love this new church. People have been kind, always praying for us etc.

My son has been very active, playing the guitar for the music team and would always show up at every practice even for when he is not playing (he plays once a month). We also attend every Sunday.

Our friends Friend A and Friend B, (I don't know now if I can still call them that) from church who are in their 50s invited us to their child's 9th birthday party. My car is at the garage and they know it. I would think they'd offer a lift because they offered everyone else and there is a lot of room in their cars, but they told me and my son to walk and even said "it's not that far" when it's a 40 minute walk away (it's a small town with no taxi, no Uber and there's no bus going there because it's in a very secluded area, so it is only accessed by driving).

Now, they expect us to be at the party at 1PM and we all know how hot it has been. And they expect us to walk in the scorching heat for 40 minutes?

So I said, okay, we will just walk, and we did!

We survived, we managed and we made it, even while carrying the gift for their child.

At the party, everyone was already there, everyone from church. I was already in a bad mood because I felt upset about what happened.

Now, I did not have any energy to say hi to people. And I noticed how only a few acknowledged me and my son's presence. A lot of them who would normally say hi, ignored us. They walked past me. Then it hit me. That I was always the one going out of my way to say hello to everyone. But when it's my turn, people treated us like we're invisible.

Of course my son did not notice, but I was hurting inside.

Then I realized something.

We have been going to this church for a year now and the youth there (there's around eleven kids age 14-24) have never spoken a single word to me.

One time I walked past one of them, his name is E. He is the son of a good friend of mine there.

I said, "Hi E." He just ignored me.

He is 17 years old.

I said, "Oh maybe he's just shy." Etc but it's been a year now. I don't mean no harm by being at least civil.

This happens all the time. For example, every Friday whenever we have Bible study, this is the scenario, I would be sitting on the couch with the other moms (ages 40+, I am the youngest) and the kids (age 14-24) would walk in, greet all the other moms and ALWAYS skip me, not talk to me, no eye contact like I didn't exist. And this has been going on for a year.

When I got home I actually cried. I just realized how little I mattered to these people when I saw them as family. It's not like I am requiring them to acknowledge me. Maybe even just a civil because I am tired of every interaction being awkward.

I asked my son about it and he said he does not mind, he says he likes hanging out more with the adults anyway.

But I did not reveal to him how I felt.

I am just glad he does not take it to heart because I do.

This reads as though written by AI.

My 14 year old son wouldn’t be too happy about being taken to a 9 year old non relative’s birthday party, never mind having to walk 40 minutes there. Why on earth would you go?! Just because you go to church together doesn’t mean you have to attend every event, especially one so removed from you or your son’s interests and location. Be more selective with your time.

No, it doesn't.

I think you could have sat out the 9 year old’s party. Why did you go?

OP a couple of things stand out
-your age doesnt seem to match up with your friends
-you've actually not known these people long 1.5y is nothing especially if you're the newbie to the village
-I think you're expecting too much
-church people really are some of the most horrible ive ever met, you and your son need to branch out
-why didnt you just decline the invitation?

Sorry this happened to you though its very hurtful

100% this. My local church is full of Sunday only Christians. Most of the younger members around the age of 40 have lived locally their entire lives...attended school, Brownies, Guides, together. Their parents have known each other since the 1980s.

Cliques and Parochial mindsets are hard to break down.
Honestly, if church is your thing, find yourself another which MAY be more welcoming. However stay independent as much as possible and don't expect favours from anyone...this is advice, not a criticism.
Personally, I would do what someone else suggested and take your son to classes which may interest him.

Good luck lass in finding your own tribe. x

I agree with this.

Your ‘friends’ sound rude.
The comments on the thread 🤣I bet the vast majority of posters couldn’t walk 40 mins, never mind each way in scorching heat- no chance.

Well done to you OP for trying to make friends and be part of a community at the church you joined after moving so far away with your teen son. One would think people would be sincere. I don't think these people are your people, though. Look for other churches if that's something you want to regularly attend. If it is too limited where you are then pull back from all the social activities at your church and go elsewhere for that. 💐

Are the other mums all married? As a younger, single woman in an evidently parochial community, you've probably been painted as a husband-stealing harlot.

Bunch of twits. Find a hobby group or something to expand your social horizons a little. Maybe keep going to the church events, but be more upfront and don't accept invitations that will be uncomfortable.

Time to find another church/community. But good luck with that! I've known this type of situation to happen on many occasions, not just to myself but to close friends and family and not always in a religious setting.
Take a group of people and eventually one will be singled out by the pack!

It did read AI to me but I just want to say ignore BrokenToes85, you sound the opposite of being entitled if anything I would say raise your self esteem you shouldn't have put yourself and son through the walk in the heat to attend.
And find a new community.
I think they are unfriendly to you because they don't approve of your circumstances and early pregnancy and there will be a queenbee who gossiped about you and everyone is afraid to associate with you to not become outcasted. Maybe you need to move home for the sake of your son not be so stigmatised and isolated, go to a big cosmopolitan city. Small town living, plus religious, is often horribly bigotted and clicky like a cult.

It's obvious it's a polite way of asking if someone could offer a lift, most people would understand that.

Go where you are wanted and appreciated. This can be the last time you put yourself and son in this situation.

You shouldn’t have gone. You were in a bad mood so was looking for all the negativity regardless.

Sounds about right!

It's not what happened on the one occasion, but the consistently lack of basic greetings that you should be upset about.

It wasn't very Christian of them to not offer a lift.

People who go to church here now are often weird I’m afraid. Self righteous and detached from reality. You don’t say what religion but that can often make it worse too.

The penny has finally dropped though. You’re not in their clique. Just find a different clan. Maybe through clubs or societies rather than churches though.

How to say I'm American without saying I'm American 😂

I think it was thoughtless of the hosts to tell you to walk 40 minutes in the heat. However you really should have spoken up there and then and said you couldn't rather than do it and then be 'in a mood'.
If you weren't your usual self people may have ignored you because they thought you'd prefer it. It would have been nice to check you're OK, but let's face it, no one wants to be stuck with someone in a mood at a party, do they?
The teens and young adults don't treat you like the older parents because you're nearer their age. They don't know where to place you or how to relate to you. They probably feel weird treating you like the 50 year olds, yet youre a mum of a teen, so not someone they treat as a peer.
If I were you, I'd not rush to throw away 'your family' on the basis of one event where you were hot and fed up and feeling hard done by. These people must have seemed warm and welcoming up to now for you to feel such an emotional tie. So I'd give them another chance.
If you still feel the same after other events, then perhaps you're right. In which case you perhaps needs to think about whether you just saw what you wanted to see up till now and projected on to these people the sort of community you want rather than the one they actually are.

You don't sound very Christian. Did you read your post? You expected lifts. No one forced you to go to the party. There's no way I'd walk in this weather, but you chose to then were miserable because others didn't run around after you.

Let that 40 min walk be your 'road to Damascus' moment, in the realisation that they're not nice people, and perhaps you should try to cultivate friendships elsewhere.

You probaly have more in common with the 24 year olds that you refer to as kids, not the 50 year old parents. Just because your parents isnt a common ground. Also been a single parent or divorcee is looked down on by the church. Do you have shared interests with the near retired people and not the mid 20s ones. Is there other young people there. The fact most people in my local church have been there for generations and you only 18 months its hard to make real friends.

Your marital status might have nothing to do with it but… it was very eye opening when I went through a difficult divorce. People who I thought were true friends from church showed themselves not to be. (Others were wonderful and supportive and didn’t leap to conclusions or pre judge, but it wasn’t necessarily the ones I expected!)

Ah, I wonder if this is it.
I was think it is a very odd thread if this is UK based for some reason.