AIBU for being sad and upset about people's behaviour at my church

[babyblueskies]

I (32) am a single mom to my dear son, 14 years old.

Background: We moved to a new town (230 miles away) because of my job's demands. Life has been very difficult, but we managed. We have been living here for 1.5 years now. More than a year ago, we found this church. My son and I are happy to find a community, though we miss our old church dearly.

But we love this new church. People have been kind, always praying for us etc.

My son has been very active, playing the guitar for the music team and would always show up at every practice even for when he is not playing (he plays once a month). We also attend every Sunday.

Our friends Friend A and Friend B, (I don't know now if I can still call them that) from church who are in their 50s invited us to their child's 9th birthday party. My car is at the garage and they know it. I would think they'd offer a lift because they offered everyone else and there is a lot of room in their cars, but they told me and my son to walk and even said "it's not that far" when it's a 40 minute walk away (it's a small town with no taxi, no Uber and there's no bus going there because it's in a very secluded area, so it is only accessed by driving).

Now, they expect us to be at the party at 1PM and we all know how hot it has been. And they expect us to walk in the scorching heat for 40 minutes?

So I said, okay, we will just walk, and we did!

We survived, we managed and we made it, even while carrying the gift for their child.

At the party, everyone was already there, everyone from church. I was already in a bad mood because I felt upset about what happened.

Now, I did not have any energy to say hi to people. And I noticed how only a few acknowledged me and my son's presence. A lot of them who would normally say hi, ignored us. They walked past me. Then it hit me. That I was always the one going out of my way to say hello to everyone. But when it's my turn, people treated us like we're invisible.

Of course my son did not notice, but I was hurting inside.

Then I realized something.

We have been going to this church for a year now and the youth there (there's around eleven kids age 14-24) have never spoken a single word to me.

One time I walked past one of them, his name is E. He is the son of a good friend of mine there.

I said, "Hi E." He just ignored me.

He is 17 years old.

I said, "Oh maybe he's just shy." Etc but it's been a year now. I don't mean no harm by being at least civil.

This happens all the time. For example, every Friday whenever we have Bible study, this is the scenario, I would be sitting on the couch with the other moms (ages 40+, I am the youngest) and the kids (age 14-24) would walk in, greet all the other moms and ALWAYS skip me, not talk to me, no eye contact like I didn't exist. And this has been going on for a year.

When I got home I actually cried. I just realized how little I mattered to these people when I saw them as family. It's not like I am requiring them to acknowledge me. Maybe even just a civil because I am tired of every interaction being awkward.

I asked my son about it and he said he does not mind, he says he likes hanging out more with the adults anyway.

But I did not reveal to him how I felt.

I am just glad he does not take it to heart because I do.

I second this. The transwomen (the ones that wanted to trans into a woman) that I met in prison, were all nasty sex offfenders who wished to change into a completely different person. They were HORRIBLE

I know someone who was in a similar position, she too thought that she had good church friends. Going every Sunday etc. Same result, people just stopped talking to her.

Some are like this I've known several, I've been on the receiving end of one devout church goer who was 100% hypocrite in every respect.
But it is the same in any walk of life everyone is different thankfully, don't tar everyone with the same brush.

Raise your standards op. You don't need these people.

You have cognitive dissonance, because they act like Christians (I presume it's that religion?) and yet they cannot even offer a lift, which is basic politeness. So their preaching is built on sand.

They say they love their neighbours, and yet it will take you ten years to even crack the surface being a newcomer, and also a single parent (shock horror 🫪...). So the hypocrisy hurts you.

It's rife in religion, people who want to band together and exclude others yet pretend they are benevolent. I would honestly find another group of people to immerse yourself in. Maybe the younger ones have overheard parents discussing you, and so they don't talk to you.

Whatever the reason, you don't need them, they are not authentic caring people. Sometimes we have to try on a few scenes before we find our people.

If it’s any consolation OP, I don’t think you have done anything to cause this. My experience with other churchgoing Christians has been similar, despite no age difference or life stage difference. I had better luck making friends with non denominational Christians. I stay in my denomination in spite of the people rather than because of them.

By comparison: My MIL married my SPIL later in life (both were divorced). He had been in the church a long time. They welcomed her with open arms. He passed away a few years go now, and everyone rallied round, still rallies round, because THEY'RE ACTUAL CHRISTIANS.

There’s a difference between not being super friendly towards OP and completely blanking her, which is what she described.

Was this the only time you've felt they were unfriendly? You say they have been kind, they usually say hi, have prayed for you?

You turned up grumpy and didn't have the energy to speak to anyone, people were probably picking up on those vibes. Everyone else was also probably feeling hot and grumpy

Surely you must have noticed before now that none of the youth speak to you? Have you not noticed they don't interact with your son?

I wouldn't make any decisions based off one incident of lack of friendliness, see how things play out over the next few weeks

You turned up grumpy and didn't have the energy to speak to anyone, people were probably picking up on those vibes. Everyone else was also probably feeling hot and grumpy

They are professed Christians, so their job is to get over it.

Also, the hypocrisy and power struggle of them assuming they should "pray for you" REALLY rankles me. I'm disabled and have experienced weird Christians trying to pray to "cure" me. Absolutely weird and offensive. And signifies that they certainly do not view us all as equals. Nothing can cure me.

You don't need their sanctimonious prayers. You aren't beneath them. If they aren't genuine, then it's actually such a creepy and holier than thou load of bullshit to prop up their superior egos. Fuck em 😂

OP, I suspect the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Did they say to you "it's not that far to walk" while giving lifts to others who could have driven there themselves?
People not greeting you/engaging with you - it is only now you've noticed it more, so just start being observant and you will have your answer in a few weeks time.
Parties are a very busy place, so not a good example. And if you looked moody, I can see how people skipped you then.
Re: teen boys, they are often in their own world, not noticing or caring for adults. I wouldn't take it personally, not if they treat your son well. I doubt their parents would have told them to ignore you.
BUT, there is a thing about churches, although they claim they've moved on from judging people.. you being a much younger and single mum may be the reason. I know you call these people friends, but do you see ANY of them socially- over coffee, personal chat, a hobby? Or is it just at church?

There are equivalent “Men’s sheds” for women. The one I know of is called the “Community Shed”. I can provide more details if anyone’s interested.

Honestly, if the derogatory comments about Christians were said about people of any other faith, they would be deemed racist. Christians are humans, like everyone else. They are called to be like Christ. It’s an impossible standard, so they sometimes fall short.

OP, please continue in your efforts. Don’t let this experience dishearten you. I remember when I moved to an area and started at a new church, it took longer than I thought to feel I had made friends in the area, both at church as well as in the wider community. After 10 years I went to a different church, mainly because it’s bigger. I now have friends at both.

So is the OP, and she turned up at a 9 year old's party in a strop. Why isn't it her job to get over it?

I'm not saying this is the case but I have experienced others feeling shunned when they sort of shun themselves. Our culture is not really one of openness so you almost have to be really assertive and not assume people are going to know that you want to join in/participate/talk/be included etc.

This was a lesson I learned going into business and speaking to people on a casual basis.

Are you able to say hello to others and insert yourself into things where you want to be included?

People aren't mind readers and they probably have no idea how you feel. I can't see that anyone, in church or otherwise, would go out of their way to shun or ignore someone for no reason.

I'm not suggesting the above is the case, I'm just asking if it could be and offerig suggestions in the event it is relevant.

Are you American ? Time of posting and saying ‘mom’?

I would not invest your entire social being in the church. There are other groups and people in your new location.
Although the party is done I would not have gone or taken nor expected my 14 year old to be invited to a 9 year olds birthday party. And maybe some of your fellow members of the church thought you walking such a distance to bring him to it was a bit odd.

He needs friends of his own age.

That’s harsh and just plain rude. What exactly has op done wrong? I wouldn’t have walked. They sound horrible op.

I’m guessing OP is American with the spelling of “realized” with a Z and I picked up on the use of “mom” as well.

I’m not from the US but one of my friends is and started going to church when she moved to the UK and she made a comment once about how much better she finds it here with people being less fake and choosing to go to church rather then doing it because it’s expected, she said it was less fake and cliquey.

Of course that’s anecdotal but the people at OP’s church do sound rather cliquey.

Is there any other ways of meeting new friends where you live OP? Sometimes it’s the people who claim they are Christians that can be the most judgemental and unwelcoming to new people.
It sounds kind to say they are praying for you on paper but I’m not sure how I’d take that - I’d wonder why people think I need their prayers?

Of course that’s just me and I often question people’s motives when I don’t really know them, they could just be showing kindness.
I think I’d be looking at other ways to meet people similar interests though who wouldn’t treat you differently from others in the same community.

If they bump into me they are all over me but I'm just coolly civil back. They showed me who they are. I haven't attended any church since, as I fear it's all fake. I go to a prayer group not attached to any church instead.

My experience is that churches can be like this, quite cliquey and all about appearances.
However, I also think your expectations are too high. You have lived their 1.5 years and considered them 'like family' those kinds of bonds can take many many years to truly materialise and you can't find them with just anyone. A church can give you a veneer of acceptance and welcome, but everyone is still only human and connections take time. I understand why you would place more weight on them as a newcomer who felt lonely, but I think you have to be realistic about how invested other people really are.

It’s hardly an impossible standard to be nice to people and offer a lift rather than say if you want to come you’ll have to walk I’m not a Christian and I can manage that just fine

It's a small town. You've been there 1.5 years, the other people may have lived there all their lives. It's hard to break in to small communities with established friendship groups. Cities are easier because people are more transient.

I've come across similar disappointing issues at my church, where no one seems to notice I've not been there for months due to ill health etc. You tend to think if you are doing intimate things like praying/worshipping together, you automatically have a depth of intimacy: however in reality it takes years to build friendships (so maybe calling them 'friend a/b' is a bit premature).

Also agree with PPs saying you would have given off bad mood/give me space vibes at the party, that you are between age ranges, and that a 17 year who doesn't know you will not say hello - they are shy/not socially adjusted at that age.

I'd imagine they had full cars and couldn't have fitted the two of you in, and/or you could have said 'Sorry, can't make it' as your car is in for repairs. Nor is it because you are a single mum or 'a harlot' as a PP suggested. And you won't end up being (actual) friends with everyone.

None of this makes them bad people or all Christians bad.

Please don't let it detract from your relationship with God, and you stay if things like the worship is what you need... Enjoy the acquaintanceships, the prayer support, the kindness, the chance to be in a worship band for your son, any events you can easily get to ... And deepen friendships slowly.

(And as has been suggested to me - join a small prayer group if they are any as you get to know people better)

I will always offer fellow worshippers a lift home, especially if the weather is poor, eg very hot, raining etc, similarly if there is a church event on somewhere I will usually ask if they wanted picking up.