To be absolutely depressed by parenting

[checktheoil]

I don’t know if it’s just me. It often feels like it but I am absolutely depressed by parenting mine. It feels like there’s nothing good; every day longing for them to go to bed and then the same shitshow starts again the next day!

How old are your kids @checktheoil?

Do you have a partner?

Are there any additional needs with them?

Sorry you’re having a tough time.

If it helps my DD is currently having a bigger tantrum than Trump when Greenland told him no.

Makes me wish I’d drank heavily during pregnancy.

I'm not far off this. And I only have one.

Sometimes I feel the same.

3 year old DS is an absolute nightmare at the moment and tbh most of the time I don’t like spending time with him. He throws massive tantrums over virtually everything, and is really really bloody naughty - every meal or outing or hour at home is fraught with stress. He fights relentlessly with his 6 year old sister who to be fair winds him up a lot, he takes AGES to go to sleep and spends all his time throwing toys and books over his stair gate and yelling. He seems to have lost the sweet, cuddly side he had when he was age 1/2 and is now just ‘boisterous’ 24/7, and not in a charming manageable way.

Every day I’m up at bloody 6am. Even if DH gets up with them (which he does half the time), the sheer noise wakes me up and then I can’t go back to sleep. Every little thing is an argument.

During the course of this message I’ve had to pause typing twice to stop them fighting.

I’m fucking drained and new parents need to know the ‘high maintenance’ exhausted phase goes on far longer than they think.

YANBU. Parenting is shit.

@FernFaery it sounds like we’re at very similar stages actually.

Earlier today I had this barrage of questions from my five year old.

’mummy what’s nine plus nine’
’mummy what’s ten plus one’
’mummy what’s five plus six’
’mummy what’s nine plus nine’
’mummy what’s thirty two plus ninety eight’
’mummy what’s seventy three plus ninety nine’
’mummy what’s two hundred and twenty three plus ninety four’
’mummy what’s three hundred and two plus eighty seven’

Every time I’m barely given seconds to answer and my nearly three year old is asking ‘what’s this!’ (A tree.) ‘whats this?’ (A cat) ‘what’s this’ (another fucking tree) ‘what’s this’ (a leaf) and on and on and on.

And you know those things you should do? I do them.

’Ok, it’s lovely having questions but mummy needs a break from them. Let’s have some quiet please.’
‘mummy what’s three hundred and seven plus sixty four?’
’what’s this?’ (A daisy)

So when they continue I say a bit more firmly that’s enough. Still it goes on. I end up roaring WHAT when I get the next mummy. Dd cries and ds just carries on. Then they start being stupid together, climbing on one another, shoving, pushing and grabbing. I have no idea how to deal with it tbh. If I send one upstairs they just either come down or the other goes to them anyway. Maybe I need locks <tempting>

And yes I’m getting early early mornings at the moment. Not as bad as it has been tbf. Yesterday dd woke at 445. I did manage to get her back down and she slept peacefully until 730. But it was 530 when she was definitely asleep and then ds was awake for the day at 6, so I basically started my day at 445.

Lack of sleep really does make it harder, you sound depressed op, could you go to bed when they do so you have some good rest between each day?

I do, but I’m not sure that makes life much better. It’s around 8 when they are both reliably down and then I have about an hour to eat my dinner and do anything I didn’t manage to go in the day then bed at 9. It leaves nothing, literally nothing, for personal enjoyment or pleasure. Maybe that comes later.

Plus, I am tired if I’m up early

Theoretically I know if I sleep 9-5 it’s eight hours so I shouldn’t be tired but I am, while 11-7 is fine.

@checktheoil

do you have a partner?

I have a partner … <waits for it>

I have a partner. He’s the only thing holding me up. Just because a mother is part of a 2 parent family, doesn’t mean their struggle is less than a single parent family. It just means we may struggle in different areas.

Yes I don’t get it either!

‘Put him in his room’ - he climbs over the stairgate
‘Tell him NO, firmly’ - he ignores me or laughs
‘Confiscate a toy’ - he gets another

So what then? Short of creating a padded cell in the house and locking him in, I’m at a loss (and that wouldn’t be Mumsnet approved anyway!).

DS doesn’t care. I know he’s 3, I know he will probably grow out of it (somewhat at least). But that doesn’t change the fact I deal with this sort of shit 14 hours a day, 7 days a week (unless at work).

I really WANT to have a nice time with my children, but they’re so persistent and intense it’s almost impossible and I defy anyone to step into my shoes and do it better.

I await the suggestions of neurodiversity.

@FernFaery now they are both in bed and calmer I will say your three year old sounds very like my son when he was three and he isn’t neurodivergent as far as I know, and I do think I would know as he is six in November. But three was … ugh. He was very, very boisterous but also downright dangerous. I vividly remember him once climbing up a ladder DH had out and climbing up onto our roof. He was also quite mean to me, repeatedly demanding his dad and making it clear he didn’t really want me!

He did get better, I remember the latter part of three (sort of three years seven/eight months) being OK and then the stretch just before he turned four was fine and four onwards was mostly quite pleasant. The biggie for us was the summer before he started school; I kept then two year old DD in nursery for three days a week and I spent a lot of time one to one with him and I really started to see how wonderful he can be, how brave and determined and smart he is. And while he won’t sit quietly and thread beads he will sit and wait patiently when needed.

It’s the combination of my kids that tips me over the edge, every time, together they are awful, apart they are great. DH took ds for a bike ride after dinner, cue lovely three year old and lovely five year old, then it all starts again …

You don’t have a DC problem - you have a ‘D’P/H problem.

I don't know if this is helpful but when mine were at that million questions and hour stage I realised that they aren't really asking a question to which they want an answer.

What they mean is "talk to me". Of course you still have the chatter and have to talk to them but you can say whatever you want and you don't actually have to give the answer to "What's 8+5".

Do you have anyone to help.
It's too much for one person

It gets better. Ignore anyone who says otherwise. You are in the thick of it right now. It does get better.

And do you think this post solves any problem, irrespective of whether it is DH or DC who have ‘caused’ it?

I have shared next to nothing about my husband here so how you’ve managed to extrapolate he’s the problem I’m unsure, to be honest.

@TheChiffchaff i know and I do feel bad - we had this earlier in the garden where he was telling me something about his toy monkey which was very cute but arrghhhh. I am not great in heat. It also transpires he has an ear infection which explains the late nights recently and the more challenging behaviour today.

Half the time they aren’t doing anything wrong, just being totally normal children but when you’ve been up since 445 and your eyes are stinging and a little voice is saying ‘mummy, mummy my monkey is in his house and it’s called Vandlawoof and I, I, I am using a white rock’ and I’m there thinking WTF ARE YOU ON ABOUT.

And then we are going away soon and he had me a fireman Sam bag he packed for me with my purse, a teddy and a half empty tube of foundation and ‘aww.’

but sheeeeeesh

I. Am. Tired.

And actually @Tartanarmy2 i have read that back and it was meant more jovially than it came across, I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean it even half as peevishly and waspishly as it read

We often have a 4.45 wake run into a 6am start BUT then my husband takes over on a weekday until 7.30 when we've to get ready for work or on a weekend until we've to get ready for clubs and hobbies. Where IS your dh on those days?

@Velumental the problem with these sorts of responses is that rather than venting myself I then have to explain and justify and yes but. So I’ll just say it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t make it easier and it doesn’t mean I’m less tired and drained. It just is.

You can vent if you like, my husband used to be a nightmare around sleeplessness, he just didn't get how horrific it was, it took years for him to realize how little sleep I was getting and he was a a selfish sid. Took a lot of work from both of us to get where we are today but it really DOES make a difference. The problem with parenting we kids and sleeplessness is the relentlessness and powerless feelings. When you CAN just go 'get up, I'm exhausted, I've been up since 4' and the other person gets up it hugely different

It is so hard
My kids are 6 and 4 and regularly stay awake until 9 or me and DH fall asleep putting them to bed.
Which means we don't get anytime together to decompress and connect again. I'm finding it hard the past few weeks.
My the woman who owns the nursery my youngest goes to advised putting kids to bed ten minutes earlier each night until you get to the time you want. I'm Gona try it!