To be absolutely depressed by parenting

[checktheoil]

I don’t know if it’s just me. It often feels like it but I am absolutely depressed by parenting mine. It feels like there’s nothing good; every day longing for them to go to bed and then the same shitshow starts again the next day!

I am out the otherside now with adult children.

Just a couple of observations:

1. Eating all together at 6pm does eventually become more pratical than starting to cook at gone 8.
2. Are you also working ft ? at 3 & 6 they should be at school/ nursery some of the time ?
3. Do you have a partner ? Can they not give you a break ?

Apologies if these are unhelpful

No. The only people who say ‘oh I miss that stage’ are people not currently in it. Theres a reason they say ‘I didn’t appreciate it at the time..’

I don’t work full time. I work 2.5 days a week I am off all week as I’m a teacher.

Very very limited in the break DH can give me due to work, family commitments and some other issues I won’t mention here as not relevant. In many ways it’s easier without him as I don’t have any lingering resentment and the day can be planned according to my schedule.

Tis true

I really do think women who consider their husbands sharing the load as 'giving them a break' are always the ones suffering most. You say it's easier without him as you don't have the lingering resentment but if he pulled his weight you'd not be resentful.

We all have commitments, if youe till manage to actively parent then he should too

Well parenting single handedly all week is hard.
As a teacher I am sure you know how to entertain them best.

My only advice would be to get going and make the most of the light cool mornings before it gets too hot. Turn a necesity into a blessing.Can the 6yo have a play date or 2 ?

I would just add that whatever use your DH is it is really worth being very honest with each other about how you are finding it. It can help show which bits are really the hardest for each parent, and then you can try to share these out. This can just help you survive this phase. I’m not saying it isn’t really really difficult, it is, but if there are two of you the resentment can build up really fast, so sharing how you’re finding it can help you feel like you at least have a plan to get through it, and it helps keep your relationship intact.

Well, this is the way I didn’t want the thread to go.

Because (and this will sound like a ripoff of a Rudyard Kipling poem) if DH and I earned similar amounts and if we both worked four days a week and if I didn’t work term time only (or we both did) and a thousand more ifs that might be possible.

I do know people in that position; someone I used to work with worked four days a week with Mondays off while his wife had an identical job in another school and had Fridays off so their boys were in nursery Tuesday - Thursday.

As it is, DH earns more; always has. And that work does mean he’s away a fair bit so he’s not always aware of routine and because he’s a ‘novelty’ they are always that bit more hyped up and silly with him.

So I could file for divorce. Then the following would happen.

1. we’d have to move house as we couldn’t afford this house and another.
2. I’d have to work full time
3. DS would have to leave his school as the wraparound only goes on until half four
4. I would have two unhappy, unsettled children who were clingier than normal
5. but I would probably have every other weekend off

I don’t think it’s worth it

So piling on DH does … nothing. It isn’t helpful and it inevitably turns into an attack on me for ‘putting up with it’ or being a ‘martyr’ is usually the other accusation.

The issue is very simple; I find very small children exhausting and not particularly enjoyable. That isn’t a permanent problem (hopefully) - they will grow up and be easier. One day …

All absolutely fair. I just proposed talking to him about how you feel, it is still really important in many ways that can benefit you for years to come. Have you done that?

The only advice I will give with your DH is to really try to have the same rules and norms with the kids.

As an example I remember during bedtime my DH would just laugh if the kids did daft shit like throwing the duvet and pillows about. I had to really kick off at him to get him to see that I couldn't manage bedtime alone if they thought it was normal to do things like that. The kids didn't understand that it was ok to mess about when there were two of us to cope with them but not when it was just me and it just meant I always ended up shouting at them. Having consistent rules is necessary.

Yeah I'm not a big believer in telling women that they should just leave their DH and they'll happily skip off into blissful single motherhood.

Buy a bubble machine one which runs on batteries for the garden (£20 ish type thing) and plenty of bubble mix

Everyone loves a bubble

They will chase them for hours

Outdoor, no mess.

Clearly won’t solve everything

And a sprinkler for the garden - running through a sprinkler helps cool them, waters the garden and again is outdoor

Did this yesterday. DD waited til we weren’t looking then tipped over all the bubble mix. Goodbye £5.

Nailed it.

If it helps it’s 9.30am and DC have lost their ice cream privileges for 2 days already.

I took them to the park, bought myself a coffee and sat down. DS instantly threw his foam aeroplane toy at me. I now probably have a 1st degree burn.

Very little of this is enjoyable. I’m so exhausted and chronically sleep deprived and I repeat the same phrases so often I’ve actually developed a stammer.

Absolutely this.

Your DH can support you when he's around with absolute consistency in approach.

The thread really isn’t about what DH is doing or isn’t and tbh I’ve got enough to do without policing him as well.

@FernFaery do you have any other support? We don’t. My parents died before I had children and DHs live a good hour away, they are nice and would help out in an absolute emergency sort of situation but not just ‘help I’m exhausted.’

🫣 sounds like every single activity I try and plan for mine. Buy it. Set it up. Pray for a moment of peace. They either a) immediately break it or b) fight over it forcing me to intervene and either punish them, stop the activity or for me to sit alongside said activity, helicopter parenting to ensure it’s “smooth” running. I then have to tidy it away.

Honest to god mine would fight over a pen. I don’t think any single activity has peacefully occupied them for “hours” in 12 years.

We were up and out early this morning because, well, every morning we are up early. Agreed on a bike ride. DD’s bike had a flat tyre much to DS’s delight. He teased her over it, she hit him in return then they are full on fighting on the driveway at 8am.

#makingmemories
#itgetsbetter
#youwillmissthis

Oh OP, I'm sending you some virtual support.

I was just on the bus with and I felt sorry for the mom behind me...

Mommy, what's that?
Mommy, what's that tree?
Mommy, what's that building?
...
And the final straw (for me) - Mommy, what's that man explaining to the other man?

How the hell should Mommy know that, son?

I was saying to my mom and daughter that I'm so happy to be well beyond that stage.
You have ny sympathy 💐.

Everything my five year old claps eyes on is taken by my two year old. She just chases after him screaming ‘MINE, MINE.’

I am at an absolute loss as to how to deal with it because I can’t physically separate them without locking one of them away; he can’t have whatever she wants with her screaming and wrestling him and so just gives it to her to shut her up which of course exacerbates the problem massively. I’d probably say if that got better parenting them both would be so much easier but I don’t actually think it ever will.

I remember the main lesson I took from lockdown was don't give parents well intentioned but shit advice involving things that take several multiple more times to set up and clear up than the child is occupied for.

Mine are 15 and 13 now. The 15 year old is in town with his girlfriend, the 13 year old has just rolled out of bed. I asked her if she wanted to do something and I'm waiting on tenterhooks to see if she deigns to grace me with her presence.

My point is this is not forever and at some point you will look back and marvel at how quickly it went. I know that doesn't seem at all possible but it is true.

It sounds like you're doing a great job. No one would be happy getting up at the crack of dawn to tackle constant fights and questions. Unfortunately it is a matter of putting your head down and trying to get through it as best you can.

One bit of advice would be to consciously decide at some point in the day to let go of the schedule and the jobs and just be with them and enjoy them. IME a lot of stress and annoyance comes from the knowledge of what's to come - tiredness, mess, endless hours of nonsense. If you give yourself a break from the future now and again you can breathe for a few minutes and just a few positive moments can make the whole day seem less of a grind.

If they're struggling to get on with each other, modelling/rewarding cooperation can also help. My two used to tell on each other all the time - I told them 'You're supposed to be plotting together against me, not dobbing each other in.' In other words, they should be in cahoots, not working against each other. Even giving them one very small job that they have to complete together to get a reward (e.g. DD pass DS a toy to put in the toybox to get an icecream) can start to build the idea that a sibling is co-conspirator, not a foe.

I'm getting so irritated on your behalf reading some of these idiotic and/or sanctimonious replies, OP.

Those parents don't have it figured out, they just have different children. This is an absolutely shit stage for you and you're a trooper for getting through it, even if you don't have a choice. I hope they enter an easier stage soon.

I’ve lost it this morning. Yesterday they were playing and found a dummy. DD has never had a dummy and ds only had one as a tiny baby so it’s years old. Dd insisted on having it overnight and kept screaming for it. The place we’re going to this morning has a place you can leave it for the dummy fairy. She is still whining and crying for her dummy. It would be easier to understand if she’d had it since birth but I can’t understand why something that’s been in our lives for twelve hours max is ruining the day. Anyway, home and lunch now. Oh and ds won’t stop asking for toys.

A big part of coping with this rough stage is looking after yourself, somehow, and having a plan to support yourself mentally. That would start by discussing this with someone who cares about you, presumably your DH? You’ve made it really clear you don’t want to discuss him/his contribution, which is fair, but could you answer the point about if you have told him how you feel? Have you told any friends or loved ones? It doesn’t sound like you have any IRL mental health support, and sometimes you have to reach out to make it happen, but it is so important. It could make you less unhappy.

Is there anything to be gained by telling him? That’s intended genuinely. I really don’t see what benefit there is to that.

So he knows what you're going through. So he is a sounding board after a crap day. Sometimes letting it all out can make you feel better. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that. I can't imagine not telling my husband if I felt like you do. Luckily he was of a similar opinion that life with 5 and 2 yo is pretty shit and we're a team that works together to make it less shit.