To be absolutely depressed by parenting

[checktheoil]

I don’t know if it’s just me. It often feels like it but I am absolutely depressed by parenting mine. It feels like there’s nothing good; every day longing for them to go to bed and then the same shitshow starts again the next day!

You asked what your DH could do. He could do any number of things, was my response, but the number one thing he could do is talk to you about how you're feeling.

Hi OP. Small kids are awful at times, anyone who says they aren’t either had the perfect child or they just had one! I think what’s being missed from people asking about DH is what he does to support you when he is there - because reading the whole thread you’re trying to pour from a very empty cup. So what can you do to feel less like that? Even just putting the kids to bed and going out for a bit once he’s home. Or finding a hobby one evening a week that lets you feel like you.

A friend of mine her and her husband trade off on a Saturday, barring any family plans etc. She’s off 9-12, her kids don’t exist to her they’re with DH and she’s off. After lunch he has his 3h and it makes them both feel less murder-y. She will read, watch tv, sleep during her time usually although it can also be the window where we meet for a kid free coffee! Her husband I’ve seen him head out for a run or to meet a pal for a beer or something. It wouldn’t work for everyone but it’s an idea.

Being a teacher with small kids must be hard, you’re the default for all the holidays! Does DH take time off for some of them too? If you can afford it maybe one day a week of childcare for each kid? You’d have 2 days with just 1?

I hear you it’s hard and relentless and frankly quite boring! I have 3; 6, 4 & 1. The 4 year old is absolutely the hardest!

I remember my kids at that age, 3 and 5, both girls. They did not stop talking and asking questions, pretty much whatever we did. Any play between them involved a lot of talking, narrating and more questions. Not abnormal and nothing wrong with it, great they were so expressive and developing their language. But it is VERY wearing when it's all the time and you have no headspace to think your own thoughts because of all the questions. I'm an extrovert and don't have a lot of need for quiet time or silence but those years really tested me! Meanwhile, many other children those ages would play quietly - also normal.

I don't have any words of advice apart from get out with the kids when you can, preferably with friends who have kids similar ages so they can entertain each other! My dd are 12 and 14 and still talk a lot, but not as persistently, and obviously they are in their rooms a lot. Even so, on a car journey I sometimes ask for 5 mins of silence etc!

Could you get a cleaner? Are you the teacher partner? If so, that explains a great deal.
It's hideously demanding.

Oh wow this used to be me but trust me there are SO many good ones. And that’s without including all the 12 rated films (The Meg for example). We watched The Faraway Tree recently and honestly it was just so great as an adult who read all the books as a child and a parent who read them to my children when they were small. Even my teenager loved it.

Anyway, sorry OP, I digress!!

And my answer is that I don’t want to talk about my feelings so it might be good if this could be accepted. I am so bored with explaining that there are specific circumstances relating to DH that I don’t wish to get into on this thread because it outs another thread / username.

@bafta16 we did once have a cleaner but it was just a big stress getting the house tidy before she came. And I still had to clean just as much.

Understandable but I’m not sure what anyone can say really. Your problem seems to be that your DH isn’t helping enough and won’t talk about it. It’s not that parenting is depressing per se.

You in turn don’t want to talk about DH so what would like from this thread?

Try again re the cleaner? I have a great person who comes as and when. I pay cash, it's not cheap but it helps my life and MH.

My DH ( and I when I got back late) would go up and kiss them good night.

That’s fair enough to you but I’d rather stand on Lego than go in and kiss them for my benefit and risk waking them up!

I’m going to sound such an arse now but it’s parenting. Not cooking, not cleaning, not marriages.

I know logically they aren’t doing anything wrong. But it is things like - my five year old wittering on incessantly, talking absolute bollocks (horrible I know but it is just a never ending stream of ‘mummy mummy I know what that is called it is called a yabaxpmwfeo and mummy how long do bees live I know they live for thirty years oh no I mean they live for thirty days no it’s thirty years.’) Two year old has just whinged and cried in a shop doorway because I wouldn’t go in and get her a lolly (it was a vape.) It’s that which grinds me down, not cleaning. Which if I got on a Friday would need doing again on the Sunday!

Very sweet but not exactly helpful.

I will explain to DH that he needs to quit work and be a SAHD while I work part time then. Thanks.

Me and DH compete over who gets to cook and do laundry while the other watches the toddler as they're the fun tasks 😅

Fucking nothing better than making dinner in peace. Especially something like a risotto that MUST be stirred constantly for 20 minutes so I can't go help look after DS 🤣🤣

So agree. I used to adore doing the weekly shop on my own in peace. Suddenly examining the ingredients and closely looking at food became most enjoyable.

I was so brain dead it was all i could do.
Likewise i Suddenly enjoyed flicking through house magazines, even old ones with a cup of coffee. It demanded nothing from me, so was a rest.

Parenting small children is mind numbing. There are pockets of joy, yes, but I honestly think you have to be a bit brain dead to love every minute (or a liar). I look back with rose-tinted glasses now and honestly I feel like I did enjoy it, but at the time I was pretty fucking bored a lot of the time. The only saving grace for me was my two were pretty easy together.

It’ll pass though OP, I have a 10 and 13 year old now and I actually think they’re great - like hilarious and interesting great. I’m not sure when it changes but they go from being weird (cute) little creatures that need you for everything to actually being functioning humans you want to spend time with. I’d do the baby / toddler years 100 x over for this part: it is 100% worth it!

Thank you. I know logically it will pass. They are so much worse together and bring our behaviour in the other I don’t think would even occur to them to do alone. So school holidays are a huge problem for me.

Anyway, things are a bit calmer now and sorry for snapping but it is a cathartic thread where I can say things I can’t in RL which is why I’m so reluctant to ultimately be outed on it and lose it!

In the car today we had stupid behaviour. Ds threw DDs potty into the front (one of those travel / portable potties) and it gave me such a fright - just suddenly saw this huge thing coming toward my head. We’re lucky I didn’t cause a head on collision as I swerved in shock.

Ds isn’t a saint but no way would he do that alone, absolutely no way.

@checktheoil If I lived near you I'd take the children for an hour or 2. DBS in place obviously. I think some years ago there was a scheme to adopt a Grandparent.

Throwing potties? Blimey. Keep going.

Well that was very dangerous and i would hesitate to pull in and roar at him so he knew it.

20 years ago my son kept opening his seat belt, bright child.
I kept saying no and stop it, pulling into the side of the road.
Final time I roared at him up close.
Terrible parenting.
I burst out crying.
Rang my husband to come home early as i was fxxking done.
He did.
Son never did it again.
Some days are really hard.
I don't regret roaring.
Doing dangerous stuff is not acceptable.

They will push you and push you.

It was @Seriously12 and I did make that clear and I don’t think he’ll do that again but there will be some other complete act of stupidity that doesn’t happen when they are alone with me but I have to constantly be on alert with when I have them both.

My second was like this.
Broke my heart with his madness.
Gorgeous little face on him, not a brat, just mad, reckless and absolutely fearless.
He nearly broke me.

He was knocked down, ran into traffic🙄at 10 and through the luck of god and the lovely man that wasn't going fast he survived it relatively unscathed.

We were absolutely shattered for weeks after it, months actually if I'm honest.

But I think the shock of it copped him on and he just calmed way way down. 15 years later he is a very successful young man and my pride and joy.
Has never ever done any risky behaviour at university etc.
He's a rock of sense really.
He nearly broke me though as a child!
I was very firm, brooked no bullshit.
He knew I meant what I said, which i thinknis very important.

Hope things get better for you OP! Bowing out of this thread now.