To be absolutely depressed by parenting

[checktheoil]

I don’t know if it’s just me. It often feels like it but I am absolutely depressed by parenting mine. It feels like there’s nothing good; every day longing for them to go to bed and then the same shitshow starts again the next day!

Find a way to distract him? Get him painting? Baking? Send him on a little treasure hunt to look for things? Read him stories?

I get that it's annoying (would drive me up the wall) but it's also down to you to model behaviour and take the lead.

I can only think this post is a wind up

DD has been up since 530. Utterly miserable and wretched at the moment. Hating life.

I vastly underestimated the relentlessness of parenting. My DS sounds a lot easier than yours but I also find parenting depressing. He's sweet and he's cuddly and funny but it's all just too much, all the time. I've completely lost myself in motherhood, I'm just a fat depressed loser now. Grab a coffee and carry on until you die.

I had three in three years. I told myself that 3.5 was the magic age when things suddenly got less worse. That’s when they reach the stage they are less stupid and volatile and you can leave the house without a buggy and get rid of some of the STUFF that small children need.
3.5 onwards is great. Mine are adults now and they’ve been a joy all through childhood and teens. Babies and toddlers are just too exhausting.

My point is you need structure, activities, to take the lead and get hkm doing things to burn off all his energy - otherwise you end up in a relentless cycle of the kid being in charge, going a bit mad, while you react to everything (which in turn is massively stressful for you).

I'm not trying to be goady. Just pointing out that you need a structured day with little ones otherwise it turns chaotic fast. Give him structure and his behaviour will improve.

I know you mean well but bloody baking with a 3 year old? Not only will he spill and tip over EVERYTHING, I will then be honour bound to let him eat whatever sugary crap we’ve made, sending him into a hyper frenzy as I clean up the absolute mess we’ve made spending £20 to make 10 ‘cupcakes’.

As for ‘modelling behaviour’ do you think I spend my days inspiring him by leaping on sofas, tipping sand over my own head and roaring like a lion?

It probably is with one. I remember it being a turning point with ds. At the moment, although it should be easier it isn’t, Dd was never a particularly early walker; now she is. I got her to stay in her room until 6 with me in bed with her but since then she’s just been charging around grabbing things and messing about, stupid stuff like banging the lights on and off and pulling towels down. Then already fraught and exhausted I lose my patience, then she cries, then I feel bad.

Two kids together I’m just resigned now to life being shit, I am struggling to see past the next few days or so.

DD didn’t go to sleep until 9pm last night. So we couldn’t put our current series on (includes swearing, sex scenes etc) because she tiptoes downstairs and stands silently outside the door.

It’s just little things like that but I find it all so incredibly controlling. If you know what I mean. I hope you’re ok.

Gro clock and rules around the time they are allowed to leave their bedrooms. It's fine to wake up early, it's not fine to wake everyone else. Start off at 615 to make it successful, then gradually move the timer to 7. Carrot or stick approach, you know your kids. We did a reward of a small toy if they managed a week to start with.

Eat dinner with them, don't wait til they're in bed, then you get time to yourself once they are asleep.

Your age gap they will play nicely one day, they're slightly too small for it to be for long. 6 and 4 will be a game changer. Hang on in there.

I agree re structured activities at those ages too. Eg morning is TV time, breakfast, colouring, park, then lunch, then paddling pool, lego, jigsaw, dinner, bath, bed.

If they simply ignore the gro clock like mine did?

I remember saying this to someone at a playgroup after apologising profusely when my then 2 yo ds shoved her child over for no reason at all @FernFaery ; I mean I went to that playgroup every week for years and I never entered and randomly shoved one of the other mums over!

When mine are in a hyped up, stupid state (which only ever happens when together) distraction doesn’t generally work and while I don’t want to sound like I’m suggesting my ow n children are geniuses I do think DD in particular is just a bit too savvy for that; she knows what you’re trying to do and it gets her quite annoyed. But that’s by the by.

Of course they do.

The thing with the strict rules thing is it only works if the consequence of breaking that strict rule is one that is so severe they don’t dare. We don’t have that at our disposal.

Sorry you're struggling. Lack of sleep is a killer. I adore my children but I'm definitely a better mum when I've had a break from them. Do they go to nursery so you can get a break then?

Dig into why they're ignoring. Consequences for ignoring "we're not doing X that you'd enjoy because mummy's too tired as you woke her up". Fair enough if you'd consistently tried for months and they ignored it. But it's worth a try.

I know exactly what you mean. So much has just vanished from my life. Sure I’ve gained my children but I’ve lost my career, hobbies, sanity …

Why don't you?

Honestly I don’t want to sound horrible here but a two or three year old is not going to join the dots in that way.

My DD will wake up and need a wee just as I do and she can’t get to the toilet / potty on her own yet, especially on the dark; she needs help.

My five year old yes, if you say go back to bed for a bit he will. You do get to that point, but two / three isn’t usually it.

Because hitting children isn’t very nice really. And illegal in three out of four UK countries.

My husband and I made a deal that I would do the wake ups every day because I am better in the mornings, but that I would get a 2 hour nap each weekend day. Also between 6am and 7.30am is 'quiet time' so I basically just zone out and DC play quietly or, more realistically, watch TV. I chose a specific phrase "I am not available to you right now" for the intense questions during this time.

I have 4 DC in 7 years but I didn't return to work until the last one turned two... during my time at home with them, my sleep was an absolute priority. My youngest is now 7 and he is (and has been for quite a while) a delightful companion, very funny and interesting and we have proper conversations, albeit about wrestling and the Titanic which would not be my first choices, but they are genuine cohesive conversations. Hang on in there, there isn't a secret cheat code you're missing, it is just hard. But do try and get some sleep!

They wouldn’t care. DS has already lost his ice cream privileges for the entire bank holiday for throwing and smashing a toy (I told him the consequences as he went to do it, he did it anyway).

Apologies thought it was the 5yo getting you up.

3.5yo definitely is gro clock OK, 2 isn't.

You don't need to smack to use a gro clock....

I used to ask my mum Why? Why? Why?… at this age, it did stop somewhere between 3 and 45. It will get better, inquisitive kids is no bad thing in the long run, but feel for you now.

Is your husband asleep while this is happening? In our house if stay until 6.39 hen wake my husband who'd do 6.30-7.30 so I could get an hour extra sleep. Is that an option ?

Agree, we simply got smacked as kids and as much as it was ‘not nice’, it was a last resort parenting tool that stopped whatever silliness was going on at the time. It’s now illegal, so short of pleading with them or removing a toy that they don’t care about anyway, what is there? There is no ‘ultimate consequence’ any more.

@distinctpossibility i am slightly worried mine seem to have actually lost the ability to watch TV. DD has just been charging manically from room to room this morning. She never used to be like this. I do think she’s overtired actually but it’s very difficult to address.

Thing is with the ‘I am not available to you right now’ - you are, I mean, I’m guessing you wouldn’t ignore a request for a drink or breakfast or the toilet or whatever. And as I said earlier, asking mine nicely just doesn’t work. I really wish it did as life would be so much nicer if they just accepted mummy has had enough of questions, but they don’t and push me until I’m at my limit.

@Happytaytos you don’t and that’s just wilfully misunderstanding what I’m saying to try to make me look stupid. I tell you what, you give me a deterrent - a really strong one that any child over the age of three would be terrified for you to use that would guarantee they do not dare get out of bed or wake an adult before 630 or whatever. Not missing a day out (that I’ve probably already paid for) or losing a toy or being taken silently back to bed (which can very quickly become a hilarious game for toddlers) but something that will assuredly work.