To be absolutely depressed by parenting

[checktheoil]

I don’t know if it’s just me. It often feels like it but I am absolutely depressed by parenting mine. It feels like there’s nothing good; every day longing for them to go to bed and then the same shitshow starts again the next day!

I think it's child abuse. will tell you it's great parenting

Please don't be so unpleasant.

People who have active, involved grandparents who take the kids overnight once a month have no idea they’re born, literally. It’s a completely different parenting planet.

We really are twins, I’m due on in the next couple of days and the white hot anger I feel at virtually everything and everyone is awful.

I said to DH last night that once the kids are adult age and able to do things for themselves, that’s it. I doubt I’ll ever really feel like ‘putting anyone else first’ and will be pleasing myself, everyone else can just look after themselves. I feel like my entire life has been spent compromising on what I want to cater to other people, I’ve actually had no time to just be myself and do anything I want to do, or even be a little bit selfish (long story). Possibly 1 year when I was 24, but that’s it.

The kids came through at 6.30 as usual, and promptly started screaming and fighting over who had the most of my duvet. Of course they scrambled over me in this fight so I got elbowed hard in the right boob. Im covered in bruises from stuff like this and I really resent being a non-person where it doesn’t matter if I get injured.

I feel like nobody cares about me

I feel like nobody cares about me

They are primed to survive. I remember one of mine took to dancing about in his cot at about 2am. I told a young GP and the look on his face was a picture. He asked me how on earth I coped.

@FernFaery Totally understand what you’re saying about no-one cares about you… little kids just think their parents exist to serve them 🤦🏻‍♀️

My DS is 5 and he still can’t quite grasp that if he climbs on me or elbows me that it hurts me, and he should apologise/ check I’m okay. He really can’t fathom it… I think it’s because kids see their parents as indestructible and it would actually be quite unsettling for them to think their of their parents could get hurt or be not okay. That’s what I tell myself anyway.. maybe mine just has no empathy..

" I'm not a fairground ride you know"

But OP surely the only answers to the DH thing are not 'do nothing' or 'divorce'? Can you discuss him helping more? Be firm about what you need him to do?

Also as someone asked above do you think you might be depressed?

I found parenting toddlers hard but at this point (3 & 5) not a relentless misery by any means, and one of mine was also very tricky at that age.

What do you have for yourself? Hobbies, friends, etc? What's happening with your career?

No, we can’t discuss it. It is literally as it is or divorce. I would genuinely be interested in what people think a husband should be doing. Talk me through a half term week like this one with one teacher and one non teacher.

@NorthFacingGardener ds in particular is dreadful for elbows. So annoying.

It isn’t a relentless misery. It’s quite enjoyable when I only have one. It’s when they are together it tips me over the edge.

This is very true in the young years, but then you can revisit that list as they get older, add all your things back on and they will actually be more fun with your kids than before:

Pub trips (you can definitely train kids into liking the pub providing you don’t expect them to sit for hours)

Days out

Holidays

Meals out (more people to share food with!)

Plus, you get to add fun stuff you wouldn’t do without kids, but that you discover is actually great - eg watching kids’ films in the cinema; picnic evenings in the park in summer

If your relationship is so bad that it's a case of put up with it as it is or it's over then that's the problem. Small children are difficult - that is normal. What you're struggingling with is trying to deal with a normal level of tiredness and difficulty while in a relationship that is giving you little to nothing. Do not underestimate how incredibly draining that is.

In terms of what your husband should be doing - when he comes in, he should take over. You should then go and lie down, or go out or do something not involving children. He should also have responsibility for at least some of the admin and daily grind of parenting.

I’m a teacher with a non teacher husband. I was also part time for years so I totally get it. I remember the weeks off being looooong and my husband worked very long hours (out at 6:30am, back around 7:30-8pm). His attitude was that my days off with them were sort of like a job - in that anything that fell outside those hours was split 50/50 (sleepless nights, early mornings, lie ins, clearing dinner away, cleaning I hadn’t managed to do, and anything at the weekends etc). He was also good at being supportive when I’d had a tough day - glass of wine and listening to me moan / giving me a cuddle sort of supportive. He knew that my time ‘off’ was as tricky as his job. I think that attitude made me feel less alone?

I will say though that my two have never bickered really, so I’ve always found the two together easier than one alone in many ways. I think the dynamics just worked, and we were always out and about which helped. I didn’t love the toddler years but I don’t remember hating them - I just wouldn’t do them again. I’m not sure how old you are, but I had my eldest at 27 and my second at 30 so I was fairly young which might have helped!

Well if you can't discuss it (why??) that shows something is very seriously wrong with your relationship. I guess you know this.

I'd say that's probably why you're having a horrible time, and tbh almost anything would be better than that. Sounds hellish, and no good for the kids either. It's not normal to not be able to discuss things.

I get it OP. Mumsnet really loves piling on the DH as if 1) you can change a man and/or 2) divorce solves all problems.

Ok, and if he’s away?

Last night he was home and got in at 8.

So keep going. What else?

@Straightjacketsandroses it is some bickering but mostly just endless noise and silliness and both talking at me at once.

@sunlightspringgg we could discuss it. Ok. And that helps by … If it helps you to unload stress onto someone already stressed great; it doesn’t for me, sorry. I think that’s what’s frustrating about this thread; it’s all ‘do this, I like it so even though you don’t, do it anyway.’

When he got in at 8, did he take over the general wrangling and bedtime at that point?

@checktheoil it isn't about unloading stress - it's about negotiating another way of life that suits you all better. About asking him to step up when he can. Discussing, not unloading. Maybe you could try couples counselling if he really won't discuss it?

You mean did he go and sit in a child’s room? What was he supposed to do? One asleep, one in bed and not asleep but quite happy in bed listening to his Yoto. So what should he have done?

@sunlightspringgg i am hot and bothered and have my period so forgive me

HE CAN’T FUCKING WELL DO ANYTHING

I’m really not trying to be obtuse, but help me picture the scene:

Your DH gets home, you’ve had a nightmare day. There’s no “how was your day?”
You don’t say “god it was hard work today, they were being little monsters, blah blah”.

You just say “yes had a great day, how was yours?”

What happens when you’re both at home? Do you get to have time away from the kids at weekends etc?

He could have held down the fort while you went out, folded clothes, made some food, literally a million things. He could have chatted to you about your day, like a partner.

I'm not really understanding why you're so resistant to discussing your DH.

Why would I want to watch kids films? I’m an adult.

Huh? Sorry - I hate being so sharp but I am genuinely lost. Who is folding clothes? What?

@NorthFacingGardener I am getting a bit upset to be honest. I really don’t see why I should out previous user names and therefore have to pull a helpful thread because some Mumsnetters can’t accept what I’m saying. They weren’t monsters yesterday anyway. They were perfectly nice and well behaved. And they mostly are. It’s me who is the problem!

Sorry OP, that sounds shit. No other way to put it really.

So immediate divorce isn't possible, I get that. But maybe if he won't do anything, including discuss this, it's time to get a long term plan in place. To 'get your ducks in a row' in mumsnet speak.

For different reasons I am divorced - I think when kids were small we realised deep down it probably would happen one day but couldn't do it until about 10 years later. By then financially it was just about doable and kids were much older. Not that it was a 'plan', as such, and we really tried to make it work. But just offering my experience in case it's helpful.

We deviate for the first time on this thread; I kind of am looking forward to Toy Story 5 😂

I’m lost again. It sounds shit because he got in at 8?

No, it was the bit where you wrote:

HE CAN’T FUCKING WELL DO ANYTHING

I thought this was a reply to me suggesting counselling etc. But I think you meant it for someone else who was suggesting him helping with bedtime. So crossed wires.

But yes, him refusing to discuss it does sound shit, so that point stands.