To be absolutely depressed by parenting

[checktheoil]

I don’t know if it’s just me. It often feels like it but I am absolutely depressed by parenting mine. It feels like there’s nothing good; every day longing for them to go to bed and then the same shitshow starts again the next day!

All that sharing that with him would do would make him feel bad. I really don’t think anything I could say would make him get it: even on here, while a lot of posters do understand a lot don’t and think it’s as simple as a Gro clock or a bubble machine and all will be well.

You sound like a determined coper, but presumably you married DH because he knows you, and wants the best for you, so maybe you need to be a bit vulnerable and let him know how you’re feeling, without knowing how that conversation might end?

Even if you can tell he doesn’t “get it”, it’s still important he knows how low parenting is currently making you feel, as he might just be able to support you, somehow, in feeling slightly less alone and depressed at your situation. If roles were reversed you’d probably want the chance to try to support him.

I had a short period of depression (different issues) after my first, and found it extremely hard to verbalise, especially to my husband, so I don’t speak as someone who did this naturally. But I’ve learned over the years, for all his faults, he does really want to help and sometimes really can, often unexpectedly.

Sending love - I know the feeling of just wanting to enjoy the kids, but not being able to. It’s hard.

This is so accurate, every word. Exactly the same here.

Posters are probably imaging a chaotic house here with a depressed mum where discontent breeds bad behaviour even if I don’t realise it. Honestly nothing could be further from the truth. We have a reasonably tidy house, low sugar, low screen environment, I encourage them most of the day to play independently, trying to strike the balance between coming up with ideas and assisting while also fostering independent play skills. Every day they have at least a couple of hours of fresh air and usually much more. I wake up every day with the mindset that today will be different and we will all have fun, and I try very hard to be gentle/firm/kind, but it isn’t enough. It doesn’t matter what I do, the whining and fighting and screaming starts within seconds, and carries on for the entire day. I can’t leave the room for even 10 seconds to pour a glass of water without hearing MUMMY HE/SHE HAS being screamed out. Then of course after 6+ hours of this I shout as it does stop them for a few minutes before it starts up again.

I would say we have 2 ‘good’ days and 5 bad ones at the moment. Today has been ok. But coupled with being screamed awake at 6am every morning for literally thousands of mornings in a row, whilst also dealing with the fucking nightmare that is bedtime robbing me of any kind of evening every night, and yes my patience has worn thin tbh.

I literally don’t even want to hear ‘awww hun; it gets better, you’ll miss this…’ as it makes me murderous!

@Wahey79 - I just honestly can’t see what there is to be gained by it.

If I say something like ‘DH, I need you to know something. Some days I am utterly miserable; I feel like a shit mother, I have no time for myself at all and their screams go right through me’ the responses would be either

1. the dismissal ‘don’t be silly’
2. unhelpful acknowledgment ‘I know it’s a lot for you to cope with; I wish I could do more but <helpless face>’
3. defensiveness ‘well I can’t do much more than I’m doing’

And maybe people will say ‘ah you DO have a DH problem but maybe I have a me problem as well as I don’t know what I’d say if a partner said that to me either.

@FernFaery i don’t know if my big mistake was having a second. I feel like with just my five year old I’d pretty much have my old life back now, of course with some differences but I do feel so sorry for him as he’s elbowed aside and overlooked and ignored as she takes things off him and screams and tantrums. Most people I know stuck at one and have OK lives. But I suppose I can’t do anything about it now.

OP, my boys were very busy. I gave them endless refills of spray bottles to spray the flowers, plants and walls. They loved it. I definitely got peace.

One day I told them to wipe the walls and kitchen cupboards with the spray bottle and cloth, and they did.
I didn't care. The were busy and quiet and the mop up took no time.

Sand pit and water pit at the end of the garden was great too.

Everything is shit when you are exhausted.
Be kind to yourself. It will pass.

Maybe telling the GP instead of your husband might work better in that case? It’s very hard to make a plan for coping with all of this if you are suffering from depression, which it sounds like you could be, on top of the day to day toughness of it all. Good luck xxx

I genuinely don’t think I’m depressed. I am struggling a lot with my nearly three year old and probably guilty of taking that behaviour personally but it’s very hard not to when it impacts me so much.

Is there someone else in your life that might be a better option for offloading?

Probably some friends but then they know my children so I feel horrendously guilty effectively saying I wish I didn’t have any! Plus, with my ‘one and done’ friends (which is most of my friendship circle) some aren’t in that position by choice. It’s easier anonymous.

Fair. I find it works offloading works best when it's mutual and you take turns and that's not always available.

I agree that focussing on your DH is unhelpful, it's the default on MN quite often.
Otoh he might just make the right supportive noises which, while they don't do anything practical they just acknowledge that you're in it together.

Yes I also have 2 friends going through IVF and others that have been trying for a number of months with no success, I absolutely couldn’t vent to them. My other close friend is a struggling skint single mum with an abusive ex, it would feel tone deaf.

I was desperate for a second as well 😩

I pray that in 2/3 years I’ll look back and realise it was just an awful phase.

Do you use Reddit? There is a sub Reddit called regretfulparents which is excellent for venting. Lots of people having bad days supporting each others, not much advice but lots of people experiencing the same thing to chat to.

You will. I look back and think some days were hard but overall it was OK. Probably rose tinted specs and all that. Fellow teacher here too and my H didn't understand the 6 weeks not being a break. We had a mega row over it and every year since I've booked them into childcare for 2 days of the 6 weeks to have a break, even now they're older.

It did help leaving him with them for two days including one overnight.

After that he understood!

I literally don’t even want to hear ‘awww hun; it gets better, you’ll miss this…’ as it makes me murderous!
Same @FernFaery. My eldest is 12, when is it supposed to get better? 5 years? Another 10? I don’t know if my mental health will survive another 5 years of this. I’ve tried so much to change the dynamic. I’ve worked really hard. I was a sahp until oldest went to school. Low screen time home too. Spoiling them. Punishing them. Devoting plenty of one on one time. Supporting them at school. Encouraging after school activities. Allowing them the freedom to pursue their hobbies whilst not putting pressure on them. I literally have nothing left to try except running away and leaving them to it.

You keep saying that you don’t want to hear that you have a DH but you quite clearly do and why don’t you want to face that?!

Having an unsupportive partner is possibly more isolating and infuriating than having no partner at all.

I can’t imagine not being able to tell my husband that I was struggling and I can’t imagine telling him and him just shrugging his shoulders like you’ve said your husband would. A proper partner would hear you and ask what can we come up with together to make life better for you. Could be the smallest change that would help.

Stop burying your head in the sand and trying to ignore the glaringly obvious.

I’ll have a look. It’s really difficult to explain though as I don’t regret them and while I do think I probably made the wrong decision having two of them I have no idea which one I’d return. Dd is very challenging at the moment but it’s mostly manageable without ds in the mix too.

@DaisyChain505 i had the above message there and then got interrupted by a child.

We’re all different. For me, personally, I feel that if my time with DH is just us complaining that we hate our lives and playing in effect the misery game of who has it hardest is not helpful in the slightest. I can’t imagine spending my time with DH just complaining endlessly and making him feel bad about things we can’t really control.

The reason I am shutting down discussions about DH is because I know how they go. It’s always ‘more, more, the partner needs to do more’ and when you say they can’t it’s twisted into this being your fault. This is a new twist; the You Should Be Able To Tell Him How You Feel. I could <shrug> but no good would come of it.

Or if you have a child who likes rules. I have one of each: one child will follow any rule he is given and even the threat of a consequence is enough to deter him, and the other child… The other is going to be a barrister I’m sure 😩😂

I don't knowit it helps in any way OP, but I'm 42, don't have kids, and my life is also terrible, full of stress and struggle

Of course, small children don’t hold the monopoly on stressful lives.
i hope things get easier for you

Asking questions like that is just a way of attention seeking when they have nothing else to say. Be firm on it. I often said 'asked and answered' if the same question is asked twice. Then say 'no more questions' after a reasonable number (4/5) and literally don't answer them, no eye contact and ignore them. I really think it should be OK to say I need quiet time just like we tell them to ask for quiet time when they get overwhelmed. Kids will push and push and they don't care if you are tired or exhausted because they only think of themselves. They won't care if you sit there sobbing from exhaustion. You have to be really firm on setting the boundaries. This takes mental effort which is difficult when you are already stressed. Schedule 5 mins peace time, get a timer. If anyone disturbs you during the time, reset it. It will take a few difficult days and then you'll have created a routine where you get 5 mins to yourself

Exactly. When ours wake up early (age 4 and 7), my husband and I just stay in bed. They either play together or watch TV, the oldest gets them both breakfast, they have a whale of a time. I think we're good parents and there's absolutely nothing wrong with kids entertaining themselves for an hour or so. My brother and I used to love our Saturday morning cartoons and cereal.

Maybe we're lucky because ours get on really well, although we worked very hard on their relationship right from the get go, I know there's an element of luck in temperaments too. Our oldest is very sensible and even tempered, our youngest is out of the "having to be watched every minute" danger zone and will follow his brother's example.