AIBU to tell my son he made his sister feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

[Resini]

Hi all, last night for our anniversary DS and DD along with DS’s girlfriend took us out for dinner and to see a show. Afterwards DS and his girlfriend suggested we go for some more drinks, they are both members of a private members club and could take guests so suggested we go there.
DH and I don’t go out late very often and don’t enjoy drinking very much so we didn’t stay too long but DD did.
DD is only 21, she is quite young for her age, has only lived at home, where as DS is 28 and his girlfriend 25. Obviously DD can handle herself and doesn’t need her big brother looking after her but it wasn’t her normal environment either.
Today DD has told us, that both DS and his girlfriend got very drunk and both used cocaine. Now of course I’m not naive they are young adults (albeit professionals DS is a solicitor and his girlfriend works in policy research!) and I know these sort of things happen in professional circles in London.
DD ended up going back to DS’s girlfriends flat to stay the night as it got late, she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.
DD ended up not sleeping at all, she said she felt on edge the whole time and left very early.
She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic, but I’m really disappointed in him, both in the getting so drunk he had to “have a tactical vomit” on the side of the street, using cocaine and not taking into account his sisters safety or comfort.

AIBU to think I should send him a message explaining that he made his sister very uncomfortable and owes her an apology?
I don’t want to be overbearing but I also think the behaviour last night was out of order.

I thought this too 🤣 the previous thread was not even the same! It was similar but definitely not similar enough to assume it is a repeat thread 🙄

He works in the law and yet does cocaine. It could cost him everything. Your blase approach is both horrific and enabling.
He’s a druggie.
Advise your daughter to never go out with them again. Try to show her some parental responsibility.

Agree and I’m 50.

Wouldn’t call him a druggie! 😆

This, and I have lived in various places. Having said that I might give off a FO druggie vibe so they've avoided it.

Oh ffs, it's a line of coke Karen. They aren't shooting heroin into their eyeballs 🙄🙄

Hardly. This isn’t victim blaming - this is taking responsibility for yourself and not waiting for a man on a white horse to save you.

Yeah druggie is harsh. I guarantee most people know at least 5 people who do it. Not that it should be normalised ofc.

Well that wasnt the only time hes had cocaine..

Its not only "druggie" if its someone poor on the streets

A line of coke is how it started for two of my previous partners. Bit of fun on a Friday.
Have a bit more on Saturday.
I had to leave one, and then the other for very similar reasons. One was so paranoid he set my things on fire, the other was found by a neighbour going through my bin in the middle of the night looking for condoms.
Being locked in a room being questioned about where I’d been.
Days lost to moods.
Financial issues, chaos, ED, the list was endless and yet similar. Arrests. Dealing to cover drugs debts.
I appreciate that not everyone goes this way, but just from talking to friends, it’s a similar theme.
If you think a line is okay, then someone like me can’t change a mind. But I’m no Karen, either, I’ve lived a bit.
I live close to communities where dealing and becoming a dealer is a badge of honour, no one gives a toss about the kids on bikes doing the dirty work, or about innocents caught in their cross-fires. It’s a dirty, immoral business. There are no benefits to it all.
Both of these exes had good jobs, decent families, but a line was never enough.

Personally I would talk to both of them.
Cocaine is a terrible drug to use. People think it is safe. It really is not. People who use it regularly often die young. Of heart failure. They do need to understand this.
As to him inviting someone back to his flat who clearly was interested in his sister was unnecessary. And perhaps she felt under pressure to get together with him So that was off. Especially if she is a young 21.
Talk to them both.

Hi all,
This evening I spoke to DS. He apologised for DD being uncomfortable but felt she hadn’t given the full story. He claims DD asked to stay as she had missed the train, his friend was already staying at his girlfriends, had no other way home and all his things were there. DD asked if they could go back to his instead and he said he didn’t want to leave his girlfriend which he thinks is fair, but offered to give DD the keys to his so she could stay there, DD didn’t want to do this as she didn’t want to be in the cab alone.
He then said they kept drinking in the flat until 6am by which time morning trains would be ready to start up and he offered to help DD get home then or call us for her, she said no as she didn’t want to be out so early.
When she asked to swap rooms around he said it was his girlfriend who said no as she didn’t want to share a bed with DD who she doesn’t know very well and by this point the male friend was already asleep.
He was apologetic but felt he had been poorly framed.

Now I’m unsure what to think.

I’d think they won’t be wanting to socialise like that again!
Maybe she misunderstood and DS didn’t explain what he already knew particularly well- that’s hard even before you’ve had a drink.
But he won’t be wanting her to stay again, and she won’t want to stay again.
So I guess it’s resolved 😅

You shouldn’t have said anything to your DS. Your DD is a 21 year old adult, she could have spoken to her brother afterwards if she wanted to. Your DS’s version of events sound plausible too but if everyone had been drinking lots, recollections may vary.

All you’ve achieved now is to make your relationship with your DS worse and I’d imagine he won’t be in a hurry to go anywhere with his sister again.

Now I’m unsure what to think.

Do you believe that your son would offer his keys to let his sister stay there alone?

If so I'm not sure what more he could have done tbh.

If this is the case, I’m not sure what more he could have done.

I have read your answers so far. God you sound so angry. Not sure whether it is because of other peoples comments which you asked for or, whether it is because you absolutely know those comments carry weight and feel a massive amount of guilt.

Whatever, the thing is your DD has asked not to tell him but has since said ok to mention to him how uncomfortable she felt so that part of things is now out of the question.

What is not acceptable is your total blindness to your Sons addiction regardless of his highfalutin job. You need to become more aware and read up on the dangers of the drug. Dealers that have an addict with a debt are not particular on how that debt is paid. Did you think about that.

You acknowledge your Daughter is young for her age. Are you actually saying she is impaired in some way but that it is not obvious in a social environment. If that is the case then you were so wrong to leave her.

If, that is not the case, then I fail to understand how a 21 year old despite not being worldly, could not just get in a Black Cab and ask to be taken home, phone her parents and they pick up the bill.

You left your child wide open to being abused. What kind of parent are you.

For those that might say maybe parents could not afford the taxi fare, read her comments. Darling Son is a solicitor - therefore he could have afforded to pay.

You are full of crap and should love your DD better but somehow doubt you will.

Please don't say anything to your son.You could end up ruining their relationship and more importantly lose your daughter's trust.

Instead applaud your daughter for speaking up. Enough girls and women would not say if they felt uncomfortable. Discuss with your daughter what to do next, what could the alternatives could have been. Don't go out with brother again, set alarm to make the next train or set her up on your UBER account so she can get a taxi whenever she feels uncomfortable.

I think when you take drugs all sense goes out the window. Your daughter should avoid evening events either them.

What makes you think son is an addict? That is an extreme opinion. I've known people who did a bit of coke socially when they were young, they were not addicted and they outgrew it as they matured. Same with drinking too much.

I voted YANBU - only because your son blatantly ignored her concern's around her safety and the drunk friend. Your son really should have stepped up and done whatever was needed to put his sister at ease, instead he prioritised his friend and put her in danger and for that I'd be having a firm word with him. Regarding the rest I'd have said YABU.

I have never said I think he is an addict?
I have actively said I don’t think he is, but there is no way to know as he isn’t exactly sharing the intricacies of his life with me.

Face to face is always better than messaging

I feel a bit sorry for you OP reading through this thread so just wanted to hop on and offer a bit of solidarity.

FWIW - I don’t think DD21 is acting age inappropriate to have felt uncomfortable / not wanted to get a cab home on her own / expected her big brother to look after her. I don’t think your son having sex with his long term girlfriend while they’re both intoxicated has committed a crime or taken advantage. Whether your son is a druggie or a recreational user and whether that’s acceptable or not was NOT WHAT YOU ASKED.

I hadn’t posted as I was really torn between the fact your daughter has asked you not to say anything and that I thought your son had not behaved well towards his sister. I see now you have decided to speak to him. I suspect the truth is somewhere between the two versions - also not unusual for siblings reporting back to their parents to embellish to their benefit! Prob best to let it lie with your son now, and perhaps an opportunity to chat with your daughter about potential future situations and what to do to stay safe and feeling comfortable. (I also really get the taxi thing - we seem to be in the minority but having had a scary experience myself and a couple of friends also we never use Ubers, taxis generally kept to a minimum and not alone - wouldn’t want DDs taking a long cab ride into the ‘burbs alone)

Sorry to hear about the DH/DS situation - that sounds tough to be in the middle of.

Your son is a solicitor and is using illegal drugs?? Does he understand the professional conduct rules he signed up to when he chose this career?