AIBU to tell my son he made his sister feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

[Resini]

Hi all, last night for our anniversary DS and DD along with DS’s girlfriend took us out for dinner and to see a show. Afterwards DS and his girlfriend suggested we go for some more drinks, they are both members of a private members club and could take guests so suggested we go there.
DH and I don’t go out late very often and don’t enjoy drinking very much so we didn’t stay too long but DD did.
DD is only 21, she is quite young for her age, has only lived at home, where as DS is 28 and his girlfriend 25. Obviously DD can handle herself and doesn’t need her big brother looking after her but it wasn’t her normal environment either.
Today DD has told us, that both DS and his girlfriend got very drunk and both used cocaine. Now of course I’m not naive they are young adults (albeit professionals DS is a solicitor and his girlfriend works in policy research!) and I know these sort of things happen in professional circles in London.
DD ended up going back to DS’s girlfriends flat to stay the night as it got late, she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.
DD ended up not sleeping at all, she said she felt on edge the whole time and left very early.
She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic, but I’m really disappointed in him, both in the getting so drunk he had to “have a tactical vomit” on the side of the street, using cocaine and not taking into account his sisters safety or comfort.

AIBU to think I should send him a message explaining that he made his sister very uncomfortable and owes her an apology?
I don’t want to be overbearing but I also think the behaviour last night was out of order.

I just don’t get the impression from how the OP describes it, that he was in any state to really comprehend any of this, never mind take on board someone’s concerns or take care of anyone.

If he has known beforehand that his sister was going to be a guest and would be joining him for the night, I suspect things would have been different.

But that wasn’t the situation.

A selfish, drunken cokehead - yuck! I'd be terribly disappointed in him too.
Encourage your daughter to speak to him about it, as she's asked you not to. Then at some point you can have a general conversation with him about being more mindful of the safety of the women around him.
What an awful position to put his sister in; though given the disgusting state he gets himself into, he can't be trusted with anyone's safety 🤦🏾‍♀️.

Your daughter is an adult who confided in you and specifically asked you not to discuss this with her brother. If she was 15 it would be different, you would then have clearly left your DD in her brother's care. If you discuss this with her brother, not only would you be breaking her trust in you, which has connotations regarding your relationship with her gowing forward, you could damage your own and DD's relationships with her brother and his girlfriend.
Your DD knows about their social behaviour now, she can choose whether or not she goes out socially with them again.

She was uncomfortable in the sleeping arrangements with another man, I feel like any man should look out for a woman in that situation - even just saying to the other man if you try anything it’ll be me you’re answering to. So for a man to look out for his sister should go without saying.

@NoGarlic

Thanks for the laugh!

But you're trying to have it both ways. Either your daughter is an adult with free will who doesn't need following around or she is younger than her age and vulnerable and needs her brother to look after her.

I think that's unfair. The young woman didn't sign up to another guest's persistent, unwelcome advances. She wasn't in a position to get away. She was basically trapped with a possible rape threat by her hosts.

In my view, they had a duty to her because the danger was invited by them, under their roof. Having experienced various similar situations as both guest and host, I know that however blasted I was, I'd have taken steps to limit the potential harm - because, not being a complacent male, I'm aware that it is a danger.

The brother dismissed her concerns. Can you imagine how he'd feel if his friend had forced himself on her?

he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly

I can't understand why PPs don't see how awful this is! The friend wasn't accepting her No, and her brother told her she was "silly"?!

Men don't see the danger

This 💯. They all need telling!

Here's a male voice (the sort men can hear ...) telling them:

I think this is a good summary.

You (OP & DD) have all learnt that DS is selfish and unreliable especially when 'in his cups'. Maybe in your heart of hearts you knew that already but now you know for certain.

How likely is there to be a next time?

WADR, your son is a druggie, because he takes cocaine. Or are you under the impression cocaine is a posher type of drug than heroin, and therefore renders him not a druggie? Genuine question to @Resini

Id address DD feeling unsafe with DDs friend and leave it at that.

Example:

Hi love, I just wanted to mention something about the other night.

Your sister said she felt quite uncomfortable. She felt your friend had been quite persistent with her even though she wasn’t interested, and when everyone was very drunk she ended up feeling quite anxious about having to sleep in the same space as him. She said she actually stayed awake most of the night because she felt on edge.

I know from your side it probably all felt harmless because you know him and were relaxed but I just wanted to make you aware of how it felt.

Anyway, that’s all really. I just thought I'd let you know.

Have you told your dh about this? What does he think?

Is it his biological father or step father? It must be hard for you being in the middle. Nice of them to make an effort for your anniversary.

he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly

Presumably this didn't happen in time for her to get the last train?

Op I'm not sure you can say anything without your already bad relationship getting worse.

If your adult daughter has an issue she needs to tell her brother herself.

Or just realise that she can't rely on him & has to rely on herself.

I wouldn’t mention the cocaine but i would talk to dd about having a word with ds about the ‘friend’

similar happened to my daughter a few weeks ago, went out for an evening with her flat mate who uses all sorts of drugs including cocaine, and the flatmate invited an older man home who wants to have sex with dd, luckily he was very nice and took no for an answer

So your DD is a member of a private club.

But this wasn't her normal environment.

She's very young, helpless etc, but didnt go home with you. Even though this "wasn't her normal environment"

She was going to get a train - the last train - but felt unsafe in an Uber

She was shocked at coke use, at 21.

She regularly tells you about DS bad side, and doesnt want you to tell your DS all this. So you get to be disappointed in DS, he has no chance to put his version across

And at 21 doesn't feel she can say "dick move, bro"

Or got a taxi home then

Yea, your DS sounds like a bit of a knob, but somethings not adding up here. I suspect she doesnt want you to speak to DS as some interesting things may come out.

Where does it say dd is a member of a private club? Ds and his girlfriend are, but I missed where it says the 21y is. The woman is described as ‘quite young for her age, she has a small group of friends, doesn’t drink very often etc’. Does not sound like a member of a private club to me. Did you make a mistake?

And am cringeing at ‘dick move, bro’. Is that your impression of how all young people speak?!

Taxis in the early hours are not always safe for women either. And very expensive.

Nice victim-blaming undercurrent though though your comment 👍

Ah crap my bad, i misread.

Cringe away 👍

I also remember this exact same post from at least a year or so ago. Wonder could the op find it and read the advice on that one. Literally almost word for word the same thing.

I would. I’m not going to lie, I’ve taken drugs myself and I’ve always been very open and honest about that fact, but I certainly wasn’t doing it at 28 and in a professional job!

Gosh there’s a lot going on here.

”family” night out but father and son normally have no relationship. Everyone is acting like it’s a normal but actually it must have been awfully strained.

I cannot believe you left your Dd, who you describe as naive, doesn’t like drinking nights out and has only had a few close friends, with your son. who you know is a coke head and likes to get very drunk! In that situation my Dd would have been coming home with us, no debate.

But the biggest thing for me, as a parent is how dreadfully this man treated his sister. He’s a disgusting human being to make her share a room with a man she’d never met before and who was creeping her out.

Id be having serious words with him, you said he won’t speak to you for months if you do, well I’ve seen so many parents get into this cycle with adult dc. It don’t say anything he gets away with his disgraceful behaviour again and again. His attitude to women stinks from what you’ve written here and his parents should be telling him that.

Absolutely this. On threads like these, trying to explain what addiction or alcoholism actually are, is like banging your head against the wall. The mere mention of substance abuse is a gift for the self righteous and indignant, and despite OP posting several times that she didn’t know the extent of her sons’ cocaine use, still posters insist on calling him an addict - based on no evidence whatsoever.

I would also add my tuppence worth as to the main reason why alcohol is legal and cocaine isn’t. Taxes. Anyone who thinks government actually cares about the damage caused by alcohol and the cost to the NHS is deluding themselves. It’s the revenue generated that matters.

The cocaine use wasn’t the reason OP posted, and as a result the whole thread has been pretty much a total derail, and at this point it doesn’t really matter what OP says - people are mainly here to throw shit, beautifully demonstrating why AIBU should never be your first port of call if you’re looking for genuine engagement and advice.

All the millennials & gen Zs in my family do, while also having pretty high-powered jobs and grown-up lives. I think 28 was around the time I stopped, but The Young People Today have a more scientific attitude around dosing and timing.