AIBU to tell my son he made his sister feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

[Resini]

Hi all, last night for our anniversary DS and DD along with DS’s girlfriend took us out for dinner and to see a show. Afterwards DS and his girlfriend suggested we go for some more drinks, they are both members of a private members club and could take guests so suggested we go there.
DH and I don’t go out late very often and don’t enjoy drinking very much so we didn’t stay too long but DD did.
DD is only 21, she is quite young for her age, has only lived at home, where as DS is 28 and his girlfriend 25. Obviously DD can handle herself and doesn’t need her big brother looking after her but it wasn’t her normal environment either.
Today DD has told us, that both DS and his girlfriend got very drunk and both used cocaine. Now of course I’m not naive they are young adults (albeit professionals DS is a solicitor and his girlfriend works in policy research!) and I know these sort of things happen in professional circles in London.
DD ended up going back to DS’s girlfriends flat to stay the night as it got late, she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.
DD ended up not sleeping at all, she said she felt on edge the whole time and left very early.
She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic, but I’m really disappointed in him, both in the getting so drunk he had to “have a tactical vomit” on the side of the street, using cocaine and not taking into account his sisters safety or comfort.

AIBU to think I should send him a message explaining that he made his sister very uncomfortable and owes her an apology?
I don’t want to be overbearing but I also think the behaviour last night was out of order.

Should he take care of her. I when I was 21 and my brother was 29, he wasn't taking care of me. I was taking care of myself. I was an adult

I agree. If I had a ds, I would also want to say something. How dare he put your dd at risk like that.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-11660210

@Resini id leave out the coke & drinking he’s 28 and you’re coming across pearl clutching about it. If you have to say anything maybe about the sister being uncomfortable, however, you’re doing you 21 yo no favours by babying her this way. I can’t believe a 21 year old woman was upset by her brother drinking and doing drugs… she sounds not quite right.

I don't get why the parents left her with him when they know he takes drugs and gets black out drunk given she is so incapable of looking after herself. I don't get the impression that he invited her to stay, she insisted on not going home with her parents then expected him to change his plans to accommodate her rather than getting herself home.

The parents have no say in it. The son and daughter are both adults

This same man wrote a Guardian article - https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/oct/28/why-are-drugs-illegal-google-answer - saying drugs such as cocaine we’re made illegal - whilst alcohol remained legal - to satisfy the interests of right wing newspaper editors. I think that’s absolute rubbish.

I don’t think they brought either of them up well. Neither of them take good care of themselves or each other.

Are adult siblings supposed to take care of each other? I barely see my adult brother. Maybe once a year. It was the same when we were in our twenties

The OP is intending to complain to her adultson about how he treated his adult sister. If she's still needs looking after then that responsibility lies with her parents not her brother surely.

The OP clearly wants them to get on though. If she wants them to get on and they don’t, perhaps she didn’t do a good job of raising them 🤷‍♀️

I didn’t quote or respond to the rest of what that pp said, because I couldn’t be bothered getting into it, but since you’ve called me disingenuous, I’ll bite. She said:

Alcohol is less harmful than cocaine because the risk from dying from one or two uses of it are extremely rare.

That is the main reason why cocaine is illegal and alcohol is not.

That is incorrect.

Do many people die from one or two uses of cocaine? No. It is also rare.

There is obviously a fatal level of cocaine, as there is with alcohol. You wouldn’t drink an entire bottle of vodka in one go, why would that be any different with using cocaine?

You say:

It's deeply disingenuous to imply alcohol is just as dangerous as cocaine and we only see it as safer due to culture. Cocaine is far more addictive and dangerous.

Alcohol use is completely normalised in society. Humans have been drinking alcohol socially for thousands of years. Making it illegal has been tried before. How well did Prohibition go?

The fact is that alcohol is just as addictive and dangerous as any other drug, it causes more problems for individuals than any other drug and it causes more issues societally than any other drug. If it were to be discovered tomorrow. It would not be legalised.

Because it is dangerous, it is addictive and to suggest it is somehow less harmful than cocaine because people can use it recreationally is ridiculous.

People also use cocaine recreationally.

There have been so many comments on this thread calling the OP’s son an addict. I simply said that recreational cocaine use does not make someone an addict, just like recreational alcohol use does not make someone an alcoholic. I couldn’t care less about cocaine.

You can think what you like but the facts around how some drugs became illegal and some drugs are legal is true.

I studied this at university.

Also his study that is referred to in my PP was published in the Lancet. He isn’t just some guy, he was the government’s chief drugs advisor.

There is zero correlation between how harmful a drug is and its legality.

Ecstasy, for instance, isn’t dangerous, it’s far more dangerous to cross the road than take ecstasy. Yet it is a class A drug.

As a non-user, you won't see it. That should be obvious! "I’ve NEVER seen anyone openly taking coke". It's illegal, you don't partake, can you not imagine why they don't openly snort in front of you?!

Some people do openly snort.

I’d tear strips of my son if he treated his much younger sibling this way.

I don't get the impression that he invited her to stay, she insisted on not going home with her parents then expected him to change his plans to accommodate her rather than getting herself home.

This is pretty much what happened.

He obviously wasn’t expecting to be on babysitting duties, and when it was apparent that that was the situation, he was far too inebriated to take on such a responsibility.

Clearly next time they go out OP you need to go too to supervise them and make sure your son behaves himself and that your daughter is ok

Surely you are joking right?

No…? Why would I be?

You think I should chaperone my 21 year old 28 year old on nights out?
They aren’t children, I can’t be following them around on nights out, they are adults with free-will.

What would you think of a chav from a council estate sniffing coke in a Wetherspoon toilets? Just because your son works in the city and goes to a private members club that doesn't make it different or somehow more acceptable.

Wonderful description of the class system in UK.

Poor wetherspoons :(

she missed the last train ... this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly

Kicking out a bloke who's pestering your female guest isn't babysitting, for god's sake.

Listening to the young woman's concerns about the bloke isn't babysitting.

He should've taken care of any female guest in this predicament. The fact that she's his younger sister makes it worse. Still not babysitting.

Heh.

It does give him something in common with the people who work at the Houses of Parliament, though! And people who drink at Wetherspoon's. Beer and cocaine: democracy in action 😏