AIBU to want one child-free weekend after two extra weeks together

[Claudiaas]

My boyfriend has a 5 year old DSS. DSS stays with us every weekend and a few days in the week.

in July his mum is going on holiday for two weeks so we will have him for 2 weeks. She’s offered to have DSS the weekend she comes back (on “our” week) as we’ll have had him extra. She never usually has him at the weekend

me and my boyfriend got into an argument last night because he said he wanted to keep DSS for the weekend so we could go to a caravan. I said we could arrange that for any other weekend as we always have him, and this is a rare child free weekend we could do something together.

he said I was selfish, and that he was “being deprived” of time with his child. I said we can do any weekend, or you can go that weekend? He said I needed to be there because it’s “normal” to spend time as a 3.

my point is that we never have a weekend just us and it would be nice to do something just us - we’d already have had DSS for an extended amount of time, which is fine

aibu?

Parents do actually do away without their kids sometimes.

I don't know mate! No point throwing all the rhetorical questions around. I'm not the OP.

You don't think he's unreasonable to not allow OP to see her own friends and family who are over 2 hours away, when his son is there? So OP never gets to see her friends or family on weekends ever. How is that reasonable behaviour from him? He's controlling.

OP, this guy is just looking for a second mum for his son. He doesn’t care about you. If he cared about you, he would want you to have your own life too.

Please dump him, he is not worth your time.

This is controlling. Your partner shouldn't be telling you this if you were the birth mother. As step mother way out of line.

This isn’t her child though, she shouldn’t be obliged to spend every free minute with him.

It sounds suffocating.

I think your take is well off the mark.

they have the child every weekend, the mum offered to have him 1 weekend THE CHILDS MUM & OP is not wrong to enjoy one weekend with her partner child free. She hasn't complained about having him 51/52 weekends, she hasn't asked for a childfree weekend.

Read this recent thread, OP, this is the future you’re sleep walking into.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5525696-aibu-to-question-what-my-fiance-expects-of-me-as-a-stepmum?postsby=Theworldonfire

Yeah she wants a life & he wants someone to parent his child for him.

believe me a child does care
I lived it and it is horrendous not feeling safe, not trusting the simmering hatred
I used to do weird anxiety routines, telling myself it would make them happy
it teaches you very unhealthy values about relationships, I ended up in the same sort of marriage. My sons begging me to leave, DS2 self harming. I feel so ashamed that it took SS threatening to take my boys if I didn’t get him arrested and away from me

now my boys are happy and have very lovely relationships where they feel safe to leave if they are not happy

my parents always encouraged me to stay, it was normal to them

children really do care

No you're not the OP, but you're the one saying

This is the issue when taking on a man who has a young child in tow...

no it's not, it's an issue when a man wants to palm off the parenting of their child onto someone else.

Exactly... He's got a young child... So he wants to spend time with said child... OP has clearly stated she'd like some child-free time. The two things aren't always compatible.
I'm struggling to see what I've said wrong, but oh well, I won't reply again.

Is he trying to palm off the parenting to someone else?

I think the opposite
if you are a single parent and want to have your child every weekend/ never do a holiday without them/ turn down the chance of a child free weekend, when the child has a fully functioning mother. Great, go for it, there is nothing wrong with these choices
but don’t start a relationship with a child free woman who by all accounts has bent over backwards to accommodate and embrace this little boy. If you can’t give her even the tiniest bit of time and kindness, if you want to control her ability to socialise child free. Then you should stay single

It is a shame nobody reads attentively. I said 'civilised', I said 'properly behaved parents'. I specifically said 'does not pertain to abusive marriage'.

He clearly doesn't want to parent his own child alone. I wouldn't like this and would be right off!

So he wants you there when his child is there but isn’t at all bothered if you go away when he is on his own?
It sounds as though he doesn’t care about your relationship.

It's very odd behaviour OP and not normal at all. The thing that keeps a relationship fresh is having one to one time alone like on a weekend together. Of course you want that. He sounds controlling more than anything. That's not fair to you. He wants to control your time and where and who you spend it with. Weird. And he also doesn't want alone time with you doing something just for you that's pleasant and fun, without a child around.

that’s what most posters are assuming from the OP saying he gets upset/annoyed if she wants to visit friends /family on weekends when DSS is staying. He’s fine with her socialising as much as she wants in the week when DSS isn’t there and only annoyed when she wants time away from him if it will mean he has to solo parent his child for the day /weekend.

A good way to test this is the OP making plans with friends and family every single weekend for the next month or two. See if actually he’s not up for coping alone with his child.

This is not your child. His father's custody arrangements are not your problem. Go out wherever and whenever you want.

So it's not just that he wants time with his son, he also wants you there at all times? Why is that? Does he offload a lot of the 'parenting' on to you?

You don't say how long have you been together with this boyfriend OP? Although to be honest, however long it has been it is too long.

I think you should contemplate your future. Do you want it to be more of the same? Him insisting that you always be 3, never a couple? Him demanding you bend your life around his demands that you make yourself available every minute his son is around? Him never wanting to spend one-to-one time with HIS son? Have a good solid think about it. Frankly, your boyfriend does not sound like a good man. I'd have dumped him quite some time ago.

If your OP had been:

'IABU to tell my boyfriend to go away with his child without me for 1 week in 52'? You'd have had a unanimous poll.

Hi DS is his priority as he should be. You are second to his son, get used to it or find someone without children.

What is that something in what OP has posted that gives you the vibe she doesn't want the child around? I'm really curious, especially since the DP seems to be the resident parent.

Has he actually considered his son in his decisions? Most 5 year old children after not seeing their mom for a fortnight and vice versa would want to be spending time with her!! This is not about what your boyfriend wants op this's is about what his son wants and whats best for him! Your boyfriend is being very selfish and also you aren’t a “3” he is a “2” when he has his son but you aren’t that childs parent!!