AIBU to want one child-free weekend after two extra weeks together

[Claudiaas]

My boyfriend has a 5 year old DSS. DSS stays with us every weekend and a few days in the week.

in July his mum is going on holiday for two weeks so we will have him for 2 weeks. She’s offered to have DSS the weekend she comes back (on “our” week) as we’ll have had him extra. She never usually has him at the weekend

me and my boyfriend got into an argument last night because he said he wanted to keep DSS for the weekend so we could go to a caravan. I said we could arrange that for any other weekend as we always have him, and this is a rare child free weekend we could do something together.

he said I was selfish, and that he was “being deprived” of time with his child. I said we can do any weekend, or you can go that weekend? He said I needed to be there because it’s “normal” to spend time as a 3.

my point is that we never have a weekend just us and it would be nice to do something just us - we’d already have had DSS for an extended amount of time, which is fine

aibu?

I think the point you (and others) are missing is that the father of the child is getting arsey because the OP doesn’t want to spend the weekend with them. She would prefer to have a weekend off which he has not agreed to - that’s his choice I suppose like you you @sprigatito he may just want to spend more time with his son (if we’re being kind and giving him the benefit of the doubt) - but why then is @Claudiaas not entitled to go and spend time with her friends or do something without them. He is insisting they spend all their time as a 3. I’ve been away from my 2 year old for more than a weekend without her father and he respected that and wanted me to enjoy myself! That’s the but that I can’t get my head around. It’s not simply just a case of dad wants to spend time with his kid and SM Wants 1:1 time with dad. The father here is telling OP that she should only make plans with her friends and family who live 2hrs away when his son isn’t there!

Yeah he does.

won't parent his own child alone, ever.

won't allow the child to spend a weekend with his mum when she's been away for a fortnight.

Sounds wonderful

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@Feis123

no. Life is just too short to stay in a loveless unhappy marriage just for the kids. Would you want your own offspring wasting their lives in that way??

Molefox has it, I think. Op is being told to put her boyfriend’s child* before her own and her family’s needs at all times he is with them.

*not that child’s needs, but what the father has decreed are his needs

When it's the two of you and his child who is doing the bulk of looking after the child, who plays with him, who does bath/bedtime, who cook/cleans up after him, sorts the laundry/sorts child's clothes? Who arranges days out/entertainment, who takes the kid to the park? Is your partner present or is watching TV/scrolling his phone while you entertain his child? As someone else on here has suggested I'd be making sure I was busy for some days when he's with his child, just leave them to it, don't help out. At all. Go out and do what you want. Explain the child is there to spend time with him not you. Be fully prepared for the relationship to deteriorate rapidly. If it does, it was never about him wanting to be with his child, it was about roping you in to make his life easier and get you nicely tied in to raise his kid. Don't be an idiot here op, this is your life too. You didn't bring this child into the world. He did.

Yes he us unreasonable.

hes unreasonable not to allow his child to spend the weekend with his mum when he hadn't seen her for a fortnight.

he's unreasonable not to WANT to spend 1/52 weekends with the OP on their own. IF he wants a relationship & not just a live in nanny for his child.

This is the issue when taking on a man who has a young child in tow...
When the child is with you, who is doing most of the care? You, or the child's dad?
That should give you an answer as to whether this turns out to be a deal breaker or not.

WTF?! @Feis123 🤣🤣🤣

He wants to spend as much time as possible with his son, which is normal (I’d be the same if I didn’t have full residency of my kids!). You don’t feel the same way, because he’s not your son. Also normal. It’s not an issue of either of you being unreasonable, more just that you aren’t compatible. It’s a shame, but better to find out now before you get too involved.

Some odd points of view on here! Parents can be desperate for some childfree time and it's normal, OP's happy for her stepson to spend a rare weekend with mum so she and DP can be alone and that means she shouldn't be in this relationship?

It sounds like he just wants you to help out with his kid, OP.

Best to ignore @Feis123

one of the oddest posters on mumsnet

Why do feel sorry for the kid.? Because his mum has asked to have him for a weekend after she's been away for a fortnight & the op would like to enjoy 1/52 weekends child free?

what in gods name is there to feel sorry for the kid about??

Think you missed the point of what I was getting at... that being if you enter a relationship that involves children be they your own or the other partners, you don't get to insert/remove them from your life as and when you please. They're a commitment. Don't want a step-child around, don't enter a relationship with one. I'm not saying the OP's partner isn't a controlling jerk, he certainly sounds like one to me but there is something in what the OP has posted that gives me the vibe that she doesn't want the child around in which case she needs to end the relationship.

YANBU. Honestly, I would hesitate to date a man with kids, especially young ones. I want to be highest on his list of priorities, but obviously his kids will always come first. Your partner's making it even worse than that, though, by trying to control your time. It's one thing if he wants to spend every possible minute with his child, but even when you accept that and suggest they do something without you, he's still not happy.

You're being controlled by this man, and with a child who's only 5, there's a long, long stretch of this ahead of you. I'd get out of the relationship and find someone with no kids, if possible, or at least someone who recognises that you'll never feel about his children as strongly as he will—and that it's not a problem if you want to spend some time away from him and his kids.

Just for the kids ?

The kids are a bloody good reason to do anything. Should the kids be expected to split their lives between two homes have extra people within it just for the parents?
Nine times out of 10 the second marriage is the most definitely not an upgrade, the additional siblings are unwelcome by the original children and the resources are diminished the point where everybody suffers

👍🏻👍🏻

He sounds horribly controlling to me! I’d be getting out of this relationship before you get any further enmeshed!

There aren’t any original children in this scenario. And frankly I can see why this bloke’s marriage didn’t last.

YANBU

Whilst it's good that he actually wants to spend time with his child, it's actually sounding like perhaps it's because he doesn't want to pay maintenance by having him less. I'm just reading between the lines there.

I don't think it's fair that he expects you to always be there when he has his son. You are not the son's parent, you are not even married to his father, so you're not even a step parent. How much do you do with the son? Do you take on a caring role? I'm wondering if this man is just using you to do 'wife work' and doesn't actually want to spend any one on one time with his own child.

Do you two live together? Do you do all the housework? Do you do the laundry, cooking etc.?

It's just coming across that he just needs a woman there to be wife and mum, i.e. nanny with a fanny.

I do not think you are being unreasonable to want some lone time with your boyfriend. He comes across as controlling by not allowing you time with your own friends and family when he has his parenting time with his son.

Honestly, there are red flags here, and I do think you should end the relationship. I also think you'd be better to date someone without a child, and I don't mean that harshly like some of the commenters have put it, it's just because so many men are either deadbeat dads that would be a red flag for having a child with them yourself, or they are piss taker dads like this guy by controlling you to ensure you are always there to parent his child.

End it, this isn't the man for you.

He’s using you as a nanny. Honestly, you will be nothing but resentful, frustrated and gaslit if you carry on with this man.

Oh dear

I don't think this set up is right for you. Neither one of you is unreasonable. You just want different things.

Again, no it's not.

the child's mum has said she'll have him for a weekend after she's been away for a fortnight. He doesn't need to have the child that weekend, 1/52 weekends he could have put some effort/attention into his relationship.

Why is he not??

why is he not allowing the child & mother to spend the weekend together?

You should like a great step mum.

You should be able to have a child-free weekend, of course.

Why should you have to go away with them too or stay home with them.

He is being selfish not you.

You sound like a great step mum.