AIBU to want one child-free weekend after two extra weeks together

[Claudiaas]

My boyfriend has a 5 year old DSS. DSS stays with us every weekend and a few days in the week.

in July his mum is going on holiday for two weeks so we will have him for 2 weeks. She’s offered to have DSS the weekend she comes back (on “our” week) as we’ll have had him extra. She never usually has him at the weekend

me and my boyfriend got into an argument last night because he said he wanted to keep DSS for the weekend so we could go to a caravan. I said we could arrange that for any other weekend as we always have him, and this is a rare child free weekend we could do something together.

he said I was selfish, and that he was “being deprived” of time with his child. I said we can do any weekend, or you can go that weekend? He said I needed to be there because it’s “normal” to spend time as a 3.

my point is that we never have a weekend just us and it would be nice to do something just us - we’d already have had DSS for an extended amount of time, which is fine

aibu?

While that is more or less true, it’s also true that couples go away alone on occasion, hiring a babysitter to go for a meal, or asking granny to take them for a weekend.

OP, him wanting to spend as much time as possible with his child is reasonable, his insistence that you do the same is not. You should be free to visit family, go and have fun with friends, whatever. Doing everything as a 3 does not have to be your normal and he has no right to insist on it. Let him go away for the weekend with his child, it sounds very much as if he doesn't want to parent solo.

What are you doing with this bellend?

He's using you to look after his child, open your eyes & leave him to it!!

Yes, quite. People are condemning the OP for wanting just one weekend without the child but nobody is saying anything about the mother who is having a two week holiday without him despite never having him on a weekend.

No, it's not. It's the reality of being with a man using you to parent his child.

A child does not give half a shit about marital bliss or otherwise of his or her parents, as long as these parents behave in a civilised way. All the child cares about is mum and dad and the child, i.e. full family. I understand it does not suit the selfish narrative of contemporary parents, where it is 'us before them', but in a normal world it should be 'them before us'. This obviously does not apply to abusive marriages, but all that shit 'ohhh, I fell out of love/she put on weight and does not look at me the same way my secretary does, etc. is just that - self-indulgent, selfish shit, not worthy of a human being.

@Claudiaas so he doesn’t want a lot of time you both alone. He doesn’t what you both to have date nights at weekend .
He won’t holiday alone with is it step son or so. ?
He doesn’t get to push you into his way or the high way. .
If book myself to go away that weekend .
Im all for supporting dads to be good dads like they should be . However he doesn’t seem to want time just you both.

You have no ties and can come and go as you please . Tell this man to piss off

But you must be a decent human being - I wish more people were like you, for the sake of their children.

Obsessive for wanting to be an active parent in his son’s life and spend every available moment with them?

Oh I know you! The one Who posts stuff like I said during the first few dates that I am not dating, I am future husband interviewing. On the first date I also said that I am not sleeping before marriage, I am not looking 'to have a good time' which usually equals for a man living with him, giving him sex and other comforts without any obligations on his part, etc. I also specified my sex preferences during those few dates. My fully English friends called me a 'freak' and I could not give less of a shit.

and And how vile to read on MN - 'I am a woman, I sent sexy pics and sex videos to my partner'. Aye, sick fuck you and sick fuck your partner who enjoys it. Shame those videos and sexy pics don't go to your children/bosses/friends/neighbours by mistake. Sick fucks. The lot of you who do it.

and basically seems to have a very very unhappy family home life BUT holds her head up because she and her husband haven’t split up. Sounds blissful, just heavenly for the kids 😆

OP the fact he won’t solo parent his DS is a massive red flag - he wants his DS with him as much as possible, fine, but also you need to be there too so you can be a family for 3? Nope.

This is a man who wants you around to help him parent his child.

So he and DS can go to the caravan but you’re not going to. In fact I’d make plans for at least one day of every weekend for the next month, repeat over and over - DSS is here to spend time with his dad not his dad’s girlfriend. You two need quality time. DSS is here to see you not me, I’ve got plans. DSS has two parents and I’m not one of them.

You may find your DP doesn’t really enjoy having to look after his DS all by himself and also doesn’t want to be in a relationship with a women who is stopping doing free childcare.

Fuck that. I don’t spend every weekend with my own children let alone someone else’s. And he gets arsey if you want to do something alone? Not a chance I’d continue this relationship, it sounds suffocating.

I think some people on mumsnet can be very harsh as soon as you’re a step parent. Honestly, this relationship won’t work for you. Time to cut your losses and find someone else.
My husband and I have 3 joint kids, no step kids etc and when we have grandparents visiting (as they’re abroad) or we visit them, we take a break without the kids. It’s rare as we have no family nearby but having an odd weekend as just a couple in a year is not out of the ordinary.
Some people here just like to be nasty when it comes to step parent and step kids.
it’s crazy that your DSS’s mum never has him on any weekend but you’re being called mean for just wanting a weekend alone.
Him also making you feel guilty when you go and see your family, etc is a massive red flag 🚩

Because then he'd actually have to look after his own child 😳. So he's told her she's selfish & needs to go as a 'famiky if 3'

hes just a lazy twat getting free childcare at the OP's expense

If I only saw my dc 2/7 then I wouldn’t give up any time I had just to have time without them. I also wouldn’t date someone with a 5 yo because I don’t want to be around someone else’s 5yo more than a few times a year. It’s not a case of one of you being right and the other one being an arsehole - you just want different things and have different priorities.

I can see why you feel it’s reasonable to want a weekend to yourselves after an unusually long stint with a child who isn’t yours. I can also see why your DH thinks that’s unreasonable - that’s his actual child, not his stepchild, so the normal, default number of weekends he’d expect to see him is “all of them” - the time is split because the parents aren’t together, not because he doesn’t want him half the time.

This is why stepfamilies are often fraught and sometimes don’t work out. You don’t have the same relationship to this child and neither of you can really understand how the other feels about him.

That's what we hope but not always the case. My in-laws never had our children overnight, only our nieces (a whole different story). My parents on the other hand were fantastic so we got lucky that way. I know many couples where they are on their own with no help from family.

I think there’s nothing wrong at all with wanting to take advantage of a child free weekend. I have DC and we’ve enjoyed the occasional child free weekend. It’s not like you are complaining about having the DSS every weekend or anything. Your BF getting the hump if you’re not around when he has DSS is a bit of a fed flag though, quality 1-1 time for them is important, in the same way that I or DH spend time 1-1 with DC.

you are being totally reasonable, don’t worry.
in my opinion your fella the whole ‘just two incompatible people/needs’ argument when he also threw a tantrum at your suggestion for him and the son to go away just the two of them. that’s what moves this into unreasonable (him) territory. he’s not allowing you any option which isn’t to be there with him and his son that weekend, which is too much.

That doesn't mean you can't enjoy a weekend away child free when a family member has offered to have them (& in this case it's the child's mum who hasn't seen him for a fortnight!!)

A child does not give half a shit about marital bliss or otherwise of his or her parents, as long as these parents behave in a civilised way. All the child cares about is mum and dad and the child, i.e. full family. I understand it does not suit the selfish narrative of contemporary parents, where it is 'us before them', but in a normal world it should be 'them before us'. This obviously does not apply to abusive marriages, but all that shit 'ohhh, I fell out of love/she put on weight and does not look at me the same way my secretary does, etc. is just that - self-indulgent, selfish shit, not worthy of a human being.

@Feis123 you have a history of making very weird posts on relationships and sex. Very weird. So I will just skirt over your posts and I suggest others do the same! *

Bullshit. He’s not her child. If she has her own child and her partner doesn’t like her visiting her family and friends because that would mean not being available 24/7 for him and your child, then she should dump the controlling lazy jerk, take her child and leave. Same situation here, except it’s not her child so she should dump the jerk, and leave.

I think it’s absolutely crazy that you spend every single weekend with your stepchild and you feel you can’t go and visit friends and family during that time. When do you get the time to do something for yourself? Can you pop into town for an afternoon? Go out for lunch or a swim or a walk on your own? What about go out for a drink with a friend on a sunny Sunday afternoon now and again? OP, if you can’t do any of those things, or anything else you want to do, you are in an abusive relationship.

I’m guessing he needs you there to make the dinner, do DSS laundry, suggest and arrange activities, so he can be present but essentially opt out of the hard work but get all the credit for being a great Disney dad.