AIBU to want one child-free weekend after two extra weeks together

[Claudiaas]

My boyfriend has a 5 year old DSS. DSS stays with us every weekend and a few days in the week.

in July his mum is going on holiday for two weeks so we will have him for 2 weeks. She’s offered to have DSS the weekend she comes back (on “our” week) as we’ll have had him extra. She never usually has him at the weekend

me and my boyfriend got into an argument last night because he said he wanted to keep DSS for the weekend so we could go to a caravan. I said we could arrange that for any other weekend as we always have him, and this is a rare child free weekend we could do something together.

he said I was selfish, and that he was “being deprived” of time with his child. I said we can do any weekend, or you can go that weekend? He said I needed to be there because it’s “normal” to spend time as a 3.

my point is that we never have a weekend just us and it would be nice to do something just us - we’d already have had DSS for an extended amount of time, which is fine

aibu?

Yes, that might happen & im sure the OP would cope with that, as she willingly dies having him EVERY weekend but that is NOT the current situation. The current situation is the child's mother wants the child for the weekend (after being away for 2 weeks) & he has said no & insists the OP spends it 'as a 3' when they could have had an unheard of weekend together, as a couple., or HE could take HUS son to the caravan by himself..

You're not

Posters saying he's putting his DS first would be the first to tear OP down if she insisted she come along too, as the child needs one on one time with his dad. As it stands, she's happy to do her own thing but that's also unacceptable.

I adore my kids, but for one weekend in the year you are not unreasonable. I’d get rid of mine too and be a couple.

Just say you're controlling and support controlling behaviour. It's the same thing. Not happy to agree.

I disagree. She posted that she wanted a weekend away with her partner and thought they had one set up. But he’s nixed it, when the dss’ mum wanted to have her son. I want a weekend away with my partner and our kids are both our kids! Wanting that and getting that sometimes is perfectly reasonable and if my dh cancelled on one to include kids I’d be pissed. I love my kids. I’d love a weekend away without them (it’s very rare for us)

😂😂😂😂 sureeeee

Love this site. Everyone is so angry. So funny

I sympathtize, but if you have children , or a partner with children you have given up your rights to child free weekends, especially as your partner doesn't want to be child free.
There is nothing unreasonable about wanting a child free weekend, but that doesn't mean you will get one.

Apart from even as parents who are together and have a child that is both of ours we occasionally take child free weekends. ATM that usually looks like one parent going off with friends and the other having the child. When they are older I will be fully comfortable arranging family to have them for the weekend allowing me and my husband a weekend together.

This is completely normal.

However the OP's partner is saying that she should always be there if their DS is there.

This is controlling and unreasonable.

To me it is less about the weekend, although considering that the sons mother has asked to have him I see nothing wrong with agreeing and allowing them some time. The major problem to me is that the partner expects OP to be more present for them than any family I know. OP should be able to go out with friends, see family and whatever else she wants.

A mother does not give up the chance to ever see her friends and family without her child. Why should OP do so as stepmother

I think the problem is that you’re in child free mode and he is in parent mode. If your DP wasn’t separated from the mother (or you had kids together) you might not have a child free weekend at all or for years at a time. He therefore in dad mode thinks this is a normal part of parenting. For you, you’re seeing it as an added thing to your child free life.

If you are going to stay together long term you would need to accept that means that you are a (step) parent and life is radically different. It’s hard and unrelenting sometimes. Most parents find it a shock. For you though you do have a choice. But if it’s not for you it’s better for you and your DP if you break up.

I agree it is DP who is a problem not DSS. DP clearly doesn't ever want a child free weekend and doesn't want the poster to have one either- this is the issue, the poster and DP have very different expectations of the relationship.

Your partner is prioritising his son which is amazing.

He is a dad. He comes as a pair. His son is clearly very important to him. Perhaps more important than you...

I suggest finding a boyfriend that doesn't have a child.

Partner is prioritising his own convenience, which is lazy.
He want his son - but expects the OP to always be there as a support human.

I agree with getting rid of this boyfriend. The next one can have a child, but needs to be able to manage them on his own.

Sounds to me like this man does no parenting at all. The mother does all the hard work during the week and he bullies the OP into looking after him and his son or at least entertaining them at the weekends. Controlling and lazy. Apologies if this is not the case OP.

It’s really important for children to get 1:1 time with their parents, ideally even when they are in “unbroken” (🙄) nuclear families, but even more so when their parents have partners who are not their mum or dad.

So this isn’t about his son’s best interests or preferences, it’s about him having an extra pair of hands and adult company while he parents his own child.

It is a red flag and it will never not get worse. Please don’t have a child with him.

Him not wanting any child free time with OP confirms her function to him, nanny with a fanny.
She is a convience to him, hence he gets pissed off if she isn't completely available when he has his child.
She can do other things when it suits him.

Men like him target low boundaries and low self esteem that they can use.

OP could be any woman, just one that is of use to him and his needs.

She's wasting her time on a man who definitely doesn't love or care for her, and one who privately doesn't respect her.

How could anyone respect someone who allows themselves to be used and dictated to like this?

He needs backup for the dirty job of avoiding maintenance and childcare.

The OP sadly doesn't seen to register the spectacular entitlement of him thinking HIS child should be HER priority 🙄.

We teach people how to treat us.
But if him and this set up is all she thinks she deserves, that will be what she gets.

I suggest the op find a boyfriend that isn’t controlling and that doesn’t regard her as a service utility function with a vagina.

do you not realise that it is not prioritising your child to keep them from their mum for weeks? That it is not prioritising your child to refuse to spend any decent one on one time with them?

@whatcanthematterbe81

eh?? How is it ok for him to dictate to OP where she can go and who with?! Nothing lovely about that

@whatcanthematterbe81

in fact I think he sounds like a prick

Any day can be a weekend not seeing the drama boom something mid week

sorry but this is just normal parenting

Your bf is the parent, not you. Of course you’re not being selfish suggesting they go on holiday just the two of them, or spend other leisure time just the two of them. Sounds like this guy wants you to do some (a lot?) of his parenting work for him, sorry but Nanny with a Fanny comes to mind. Red flag for me, I’d be considering if this is the relationship for you op.

It does seem a red flag that he doesn’t seem to want time for the two of you together and he wants you 100% available for his kid. Unreasonable bordering on controlling.

This is not normal. It sounds like he’s actively avoiding spending 1-1 time with his son.

Parents dont get childfree time really. You're not ready for step parenthood.