AIBU to want one child-free weekend after two extra weeks together

[Claudiaas]

My boyfriend has a 5 year old DSS. DSS stays with us every weekend and a few days in the week.

in July his mum is going on holiday for two weeks so we will have him for 2 weeks. She’s offered to have DSS the weekend she comes back (on “our” week) as we’ll have had him extra. She never usually has him at the weekend

me and my boyfriend got into an argument last night because he said he wanted to keep DSS for the weekend so we could go to a caravan. I said we could arrange that for any other weekend as we always have him, and this is a rare child free weekend we could do something together.

he said I was selfish, and that he was “being deprived” of time with his child. I said we can do any weekend, or you can go that weekend? He said I needed to be there because it’s “normal” to spend time as a 3.

my point is that we never have a weekend just us and it would be nice to do something just us - we’d already have had DSS for an extended amount of time, which is fine

aibu?

This but he is in the wrong to say you should be spending all the time as a 3. A good single dad would think time just him and his dc is essential and highly value it. Makes me wonder how much parenting you do in your ‘precious family time as a 3’. Say of course you want the time with your dc, do the caravan trip, I’m not coming on this one though. It is special father son time.

I agree with you actually. His DS will be with you for a full fortnight, you could go to the caravan during these two weeks. His mum probably wants to spend the weekend with him when she gets back, after 2 weeks away hence offering! I don’t know why your DP is hellbent on not taking her up on this really.

He wants to take his som On holiday and you’re kicking up a fuss as it’s too much time with him

in his shoes I’d finish it and take my boy on holiday alone.

He isnt the man for you. Maybe he should be with a woman who doesnt have issues with his childs presence.

He is being unreasonable. You don't need to go with him to the caravan and he has no grounds for insisting that you do. He should be able to look after his son without you being there.

I expected some harsh replies but some of these are batshit… child abuse? Resentment? Jesus Christ

my issue is that we have DSS every weekend, more than happy to holiday with him during the 51 weekends a year he is here. More than happy for him to be here for 2 weeks whilst his mums on holiday.

weve got the rare opportunity for a weekend with just me and my boyfriend. After spending a prolonged period with his son.

I offered for them to go alone - no, that’s selfish

i offered to go on the other 51 weekends a year we have DSS - no, why should he have to wait?

weve already got a weeks holiday booked abroad in August with DSS. I’m not anti child, I’m not resentful

Does he put his child first? Or does he want his child when the op is there to be mum. Let’s see if he still goes on a wonderful caravan weekend once the op has opted out. Or if he suddenly feels it would be unkind to the actual mum to deprive her of her child of two weeks…

This is quite simple. Find another man.

You are expected to be there every single weekend with his ds? Time to push back op. See if he’s as keen on parenting every weekend if he doesn’t have you around. IT IS NOT SELFISH OF YOU TO STEP BACK FROM PARENTING.

I think it’s totally fair to take advantage of the opportunity for 1/52 weekends without a child. My husband and I have never been away without our (shared) children and if someone offered to have them for a weekend I’d jump on the chance. I think people got confused by the step parent thing - if you take that out of the equation ‘someone offered to keep my kid for a couple nights so I could go away with my partner on our own’ it’s easier to understand. Neither of you are absent or uninvolved.

Is he being awkward to spite his ex? She wants to see her son, you want time alone - he’s pissing you both off with one move.

I don’t understand the replies here - I agree they are batshit. After two weeks with DS I think a rare weekend together (that the mum is offering!) is not unreasonable. The dad is not unreasonable to refuse - it’s great he wants to spend time with his son.

The unreasonable part is that he’s refusing to go on holiday with his son without you. Has he elaborated on why is has to be the three of you? You have every right to do your own thing.

Wow can’t believe your responses. Of course it’s okay to want an adults only weekend. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever!

What worries me is that he said you need to come too when you told him to go without you. Is he using you to help look after his child???

OP I suggest you start doing your own thing a bit more on the weekends. If he isn't using you then he won’t mind one bit.

Every weekend, a few days in the week and 2 weeks in summer? Does the mum not want to spend any time with him? I'm with you. She can have him for a change. Poor boy.

So on a regular weekend, what would happen if you had plans to go away with friends? Out for lunch with a sibling? Theatre with a colleague? Would he begrudge having to parent his own child without you?

That would be my issue with this set up.

If I do go out, it becomes a whole issue. He says I should arrange things on days when Dss isn’t here. My friends and family live around 2 hours away so if I do plan to see them it’s a whole day travelling there and back and the plan. So I get told it’s not right I keep making plans because then we don’t get time together as a 3.

I’m on your side to be honest and I have young children myself.

He wants a step mummy to his child and not a girlfriend.

I think it’s crazy that DSS’s mum wants him for the weekend after her trip away but your DP is digging his heels in saying he wants to take him away and you HAVE to be there or your selfish etc

It sounds like you’re happy to be around DSS so that’s not the issue,

OP, you do know that if you have your own child that you will be expected to be with them 7 days a week? 365 days a year?
This clearly isn't the relationship for you.

I thought this would be the case. He’s taking the piss.

I would separate.

Does mum get every weekend off plus days in the week? So he is the default parent? I think I'd jump at the chance of a weekend off. If he doesn't agree with you then I don't think you are compatible.

The reality of dating a parent - you have a decision to make.

Throw this one back OP.
It’s great for him that he wants so much contact with his son. Let him have that on a 1-1 basis.
He’s not unreasonable to want to spend time with his child. He is very unreasonable to expect you to do the same all the time.
You are not being selfish. You don’t have to share all of their experiences just because it makes it easier for him.
He sounds on the verge of being controlling.

Yanbu op. Your partner is being a selfish prick

The son will have been with his dad and op for 2 weeks. Assumidly the son and mother will have missed each other, completely understandable to want to see each other that weekend. The fact Dad won't let them seems controlling.

Op has been very patient having son every weekend, I think posters are being very harsh. It is obvious Dad is only concerned with what he wants not what anyone else wants or needs.