AIBU to want one child-free weekend after two extra weeks together

[Claudiaas]

My boyfriend has a 5 year old DSS. DSS stays with us every weekend and a few days in the week.

in July his mum is going on holiday for two weeks so we will have him for 2 weeks. She’s offered to have DSS the weekend she comes back (on “our” week) as we’ll have had him extra. She never usually has him at the weekend

me and my boyfriend got into an argument last night because he said he wanted to keep DSS for the weekend so we could go to a caravan. I said we could arrange that for any other weekend as we always have him, and this is a rare child free weekend we could do something together.

he said I was selfish, and that he was “being deprived” of time with his child. I said we can do any weekend, or you can go that weekend? He said I needed to be there because it’s “normal” to spend time as a 3.

my point is that we never have a weekend just us and it would be nice to do something just us - we’d already have had DSS for an extended amount of time, which is fine

aibu?

Some of these responses are batshit! Of course it’s not unreasonable to have one child free weekend a year. Especially when it’s not even your child! His own mother has them. Why doesn’t he suggest a caravan holiday on one of the other 51 weekends he has his son? He just wants to control the women in his life. He sounds like an utter prick.

I also bet he outsources much of the childcare to OP while looking like an amazing dad.

I’m always pro- child and often feel step parents are being unreasonable, but in this case it sounds reasonable. My husband and I spend the odd weekend child free… it’s not like we never see our kids! It sounds like his mum will also want to see him as she’s been away so it’s win-win.

You are not remotely unreasonable to want a weekend without his child.

His is not unreasonable at all to not want that.

Neither of you are wrong. Just incompatible on this (fairly important) issue.

I'm on your side OP. It's telling he wants you there to parent his child so he can pretend to be a great dad and you pick up the slack. I'd LTB.

Agree with this!

Agree! Don’t see why this is an issue at all. All the what-ifs about if you had a DC together are irrelevant, you don’t. Your DSS has two parents and should spend time with both. Why would another weekend matter when he gets them all anyway?

I don’t think anyone is suggesting that he’d be unreasonable to want a childfree weekend - like you say, plenty of parents do this and it’s not an issue (I’ve got 8 days childfree because my parents took mine yesterday for half term and I’m very excited about it!).

But he’s not unreasonable to not want to. That’s also legitimate. OP is also not unreasonable to want the childfree weekend.

YANBU, your partner sounds like a prick who is using you for childcare.

This is your life if you stay with him - is this how you really want to live? I'm a single parent and do 50/50 with my ex, so we have alternate weekends. I wouldn't like to never see my son at the weekend, but equally, I do appreciate the free weekends, especially if I'm dating someone.

I don't think you are BU at all, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's in the wrong - you just have different outlooks. And it's up to you if you want it to be like this forever, or until his son is a teenager, at least.

Really? He sounds like a selfish dad rather than an "amazing" one.

Would I want to go away with a theoretical step child? No. Hence will never start a relationship with someone who has dependent children.

Would I want to go away with my children if the opportunity is there? Always and especially if I only had 50/50 with them

And if she does have her own children she will also (hopefully) have some days, evenings and even overnights away from them. They will surely be able to occasionally spend time with their other parent, grandparents, extended family, friends without their mum in attendance. D

Putting his child first? How? By divorcing the mum of this child? But I see what you mean. In our shitty today's world we have to make do and mend spiritually, so to say.

The child is part of the package. This is the reason I waited for mine to be 18 to divorce. I get it is not your own child but this relationship is not for you. Just end it. As ever I just feel sorry for the kid.

So staying in an unhappy marriage like some of the ones I read about on mumsnet is preferable for the child @Feis123 ?

Haven't rtft yet but let me guess. When your DSS is there, your boyfriend expects you to be there too, to "be together as a family." If you go do something by yourself, you are called selfish.

update after reading all your posts: yep, I called it. You are not a girlfriend but a stepnanny. Just there to help him be a parent so he doesn't have to do all his parenting himself. Do you also do most of the parenting when your stepson is there?

He doesn't want to spend a weekend alone with you. Even most married couples who share a child would take the opportunity to spend a child-free weekend together. It seems you're someone he wants to fill a parent role for his child. Is that what you want? Is this who want to spend your life with?

Haha, no I genuinely thought it was his stepson. Not hers.

Not surprised at all by the negativity @Claudiaas there are some anti step parent people on here who are determined to perpetuate the wicked step mother trope.

for those saying he’s being a good dad by wanting to spend time with his son - why doesn’t he want to spend time with his son on his own 🤔

for those saying lots of parents don’t get a weekend off and OP just isnt cut out to be with someone with a child - how come the mum gets two weeks off and that’s fine? OP and her partner have son every weekend and will be having him for the preceding 2 weeks !
make it make sense!

after your update about him getting arsey when you see your friends @Claudiaas I strongly suggest throw this one back or serious chats needs to be had about his expectations. You are not a nanny with a Fanny. You have every right to see your friends / family whenever you like regardless of when his child is there - and he shouldn’t make you feel bad about that. If you want a weekend “off” you should be able to have one.

I have one child with my DH and we both routinely have weekends off and never make the other feel bad about it. We also try and have days together without our child as it’s important to our relationship and makes us parent better. Your DH sabotaging a weekend off when the child’s Mum is actually requesting to have them makes no sense unless it’s a power play of some sort

I'm with you. Lots of strange posts.

'no contact' he'll have just been there for a fortnight straight!

@Claudiaas tell him he can have him, if he'd rather do that than have a (very rare) weekend, just the 2 if you.

Then go away by yourself or with a friend. Preferably for the fortnight! Let him be the parent he's so keen to be.

He’s beyond unreasonable. I don’t often recommend LTB but you can do much better than this.

I don't think you are wrong OP. I would be concerned that he is making demands and saying you should go out as a family when you want to do something else.
It's his job to parent, and if you feel you want to do something else you should, without him.
I too would run.

I think you’re in the right here OP. I have no doubt your boyfriend likes you to be around to do most of the work he should be doing parenting his own child. Is this really the life you want?
Go on holiday yourself with some friends for one week of the two, leaving him to look after his son. See how he takes it. Think about what you want.

You are 109% correct.

there are lots of batshit replies on your thread!!

Do you do all / part of the parenting while he is there? It could sound like he wants a nanny with a fanny.