AIBU to want one child-free weekend after two extra weeks together

[Claudiaas]

My boyfriend has a 5 year old DSS. DSS stays with us every weekend and a few days in the week.

in July his mum is going on holiday for two weeks so we will have him for 2 weeks. She’s offered to have DSS the weekend she comes back (on “our” week) as we’ll have had him extra. She never usually has him at the weekend

me and my boyfriend got into an argument last night because he said he wanted to keep DSS for the weekend so we could go to a caravan. I said we could arrange that for any other weekend as we always have him, and this is a rare child free weekend we could do something together.

he said I was selfish, and that he was “being deprived” of time with his child. I said we can do any weekend, or you can go that weekend? He said I needed to be there because it’s “normal” to spend time as a 3.

my point is that we never have a weekend just us and it would be nice to do something just us - we’d already have had DSS for an extended amount of time, which is fine

aibu?

As it’s a very rare opportunity to have a weekend together with just the two of you and he doesn’t want to it’s fair to conclude he doesn’t want to spend time with just you. It’s not like DSS will notice he’s just spent 2 weeks with you, actually he probably would prefer a bit of time with his mum.
Gently I’d suggest a relationship with a man who actually wants to spend time with you would be so much more fulfilling.

I think if you date someone with children you have to expect things like this.
When I had children I didn't have a child free weekend until my youngest was 16 which was fine for me as they were my children and I wanted to spend time with them. I can understand it's different if they are not your children.

It sounds as though he wants to play happy families.
I don't think this is the right relationship for you. You are entitled to see your family and friends whenever you want. If you want a weekend alone with them I don't see the issue. Why doesn't he want to spend time alone with his child?
The more you post the more I think this isn't the right relationship for you. It sounds as though he is using you as a substitute mother. When he has a mother already

Oh OP you need to end this relationship. He’s controlling you and using you to make parenting easier.

It just sounds like he uses you for childcare op.

for the life of me, I cannot imagine why this relationship would be fun for you.

I am a teacher, I get paid to care for/teach other people’s children. There’s not a single chance I would choose to do it for free in my free time. theres so many other more wonderful things to do.

on top of that, this man sounds really quite horrible to you. Controlling you, calling you selfish etc. I wouldn’t even want to spend time with someone else’s child to be with the most wonderful man in the world ever, let alone one who is using me and treating me like shit.

i don’t really understand why you don’t walk away from this relationship

How does the child’s mother feel about him staying with dad that weekend? Is she happy enough or is this causing issues there too?

It's actually really important that he spends time with his son without you there, you are not the parent (and even if you were it is nice for kids to have some one-to-one time with each parent). That attitude sends alarm bells ringing.

You should be free to go out when you choose and see your family and friends when you choose. You aren't married. You're not the parent, he is. He's being controlling of your free time.

Is he having his child every weekend to lessen maintenance and using you to ease his childcare load? Does he have you "watching" his son?

Doesn't his son want at least some time alone with his dad without you there? That's what custody time is about. It's for him to parent.

It sounds like you're incompatible and he's controlling. I'd be out of there.

Why can’t he go to caravan with his son and have quality father and son time, and you stay home and go to gym and meet your mates for a bottomless brunch or whatever you fancy? Everyone’s happy then!
@Claudiaas

This actually sounds even more worrying now. Parents do go out without their kids sometimes and you should be able to go visit your family now and again without a fuss. I go out for lunch with my friends and leave the kids with my husband and he does the same sometimes - neither of us are neglectful, we just have relationships with people who aren't children too.

@Claudiaas

he is controlling. Dump him, OP. You deserve better.

who the fuck does he think he is trying to tell you where you can go and when?!

I agree. No-one seems unhappy with the arrangement except him.

Why hasn't he gone to a caravan in the 2 weeks?

YABU

This is just the life of being with a parent.

He obviously enjoys spending time with his kid and doesn’t want a weekend away from him.

I don’t think you can understand how difficult it is for some parents to live with their child FT to then suddenly only see them half the week.

If you’re desperate for a child free weekend then perhaps being a step mum isn’t for you because he could easily move in with you FT one day.

I am a single parent myself but I couldn’t be with a man who had young kids as I’m past that stage of my life.
Sometimes we have to look at the bigger picture and think if this is what we want from life.

Agree. I'm a mum but my daughter is an adult, was dating a guy with an 8 year old and realised I've no patience for that age range and didn't want to go back to that lifestyle, still having to get up at 7am on weekends, not being able to watch adult shows, having to watch my language.

However I'm not sure op is that fed up of the lifestyle, even mums (not step mums) want a break every now and again.

Why is the child's mum going on holiday without him?

I agree with this.

surely after two weeks mom is desperate to see him and ds will be missing her like crazy so going back for the weekend is actually the unselfish thing to do for the kids welfare

He has his son EVERY weekend AND a few days in the week? So he does more then 50/50 then. Yeah, in this scenario, you have to be OK with the child virtually living with you. I wouldn't be surprised if he lives with his dad full-time eventually. But whenever you date someone with children, you have to be ready for them to live with you at any time.

because then he'd have to parent his own child, are you crazy? that's what op is there for. imagine having to look after and do everything for a whole weekend just because your girlfriend wants her own life and to spend some time with her friends. how dare she not facilitate his needs to not be alone with his kid.

and yes, that's sarcasm.

but that isn't the problem. op is happy having him. but Mom wants to see him after being away for two weeks and Op wants to use the time to do something just them. that's perfectly normal and healthy. I love with my kids full time ABD their father. if someone offered us a child free weekend I'd say yes

My thoughts exactly. Selfish woman enjoying every single weekend off and 2 weeks without her own child.

Run.

I agree.

I’m really struggling to see how this situation is the OP’s partner “putting his child first”.

The boy’s mother will of course be eager to spend time with her son after being on
holiday without him for 2 weeks. They will have missed each other. Granting the mother’s request for this schedule change would be putting his child first.

The fact that your partner isn’t willing to facilitate this would be a red flag for me.

I’d be reconsidering the relationship. Will he be this controlling with your child if you and him have children one day?

Of course YANBU. But the whole wanting to spend all the time together as a family is obviously a load of bollocks. Me and DH sometimes took our DD out on our own when she was young, it was good for her to spend time with each of us.

Your partner clearly doesn't want to look after HIS child on his own.

I'd walk away.