AIBU to want one child-free weekend after two extra weeks together

[Claudiaas]

My boyfriend has a 5 year old DSS. DSS stays with us every weekend and a few days in the week.

in July his mum is going on holiday for two weeks so we will have him for 2 weeks. She’s offered to have DSS the weekend she comes back (on “our” week) as we’ll have had him extra. She never usually has him at the weekend

me and my boyfriend got into an argument last night because he said he wanted to keep DSS for the weekend so we could go to a caravan. I said we could arrange that for any other weekend as we always have him, and this is a rare child free weekend we could do something together.

he said I was selfish, and that he was “being deprived” of time with his child. I said we can do any weekend, or you can go that weekend? He said I needed to be there because it’s “normal” to spend time as a 3.

my point is that we never have a weekend just us and it would be nice to do something just us - we’d already have had DSS for an extended amount of time, which is fine

aibu?

Ignore this I quoted the wrong post!

YANBU OP. Most parents will enjoy the occasional child free weekend.

He also doesn’t see to be considering that it would be nice for his child to spend time with Mum after her being away for 2 weeks.

All that said, the most concerning aspect of your posts is his expectations of control around you doing things by yourself, such as visiting family only when DSS isn’t there.

This isn’t appropriate or acceptable given how often he is with you.

Id be re-considering this relationship in its entirety.

I agree with this. The kid won't have seen his mum for 2 weeks. He's not putting his child first, he's putting himself first.

Posters are so desperate for the step mum to be in the wrong that they've forgotten to consider that the poor boy will probably want to see his mum.

I think it would be fair to let the mother have him, presumably after 2 weeks away she wants to see him and why doesn’t she get any weekends

This.
Your DH is, in this example, being unreasonable to all parties. Including the 5 yo who hasn’t seen his mum for 2 weeks.

More broadly than that it’s difficult to tell. You are allowed to walk away from a relationship that’s not working for you.

This is a massive red flag.

This is really unreasonable of him. Very controlling. If I were you I’d ignore what he says about it being selfish - it isn’t - and spend the weekend doing what you want. Show him you won’t be manipulated and that YOU own your time, not him.

Or maybe the father has demanded close to 50:50 to avoid paying maintenance. And ensures it’s at the weekend so he gets the fun times and can still work during the week unencumbered.

The mum has got it good here, good for her. And the dad has it good too, demanding you are there every second he has his child, never wanting to parent his child alone.

you sound like a doormat, sorry. How dare he call you selfish. I’d be absolutely gone. I’d be gone the moment he said it had to always be ‘3’.

Do step fathers pay maintenance?

You are being given used by him.
Why are you wasting your life with him.
He needs someone to be around for his child.

You are wasting your life.
Pack a bag and get out of there while you have the chance.

Calling you selfish?

He is controlling and abusive.

Are you so desperate for any man that you will tolerate this?

Because he wants to use OP for childcare.

I expected some harsh replies but some of these are batshit… child abuse? Resentment? Jesus Christ

If you stick around on Mumsnet long enough, you’ll find there are a small group of women who clearly have their own issues and cannot engage their brain beyond “stepmum = bad”.

Just ignore the batshit responses.

Is your partner always this rigid when it comes to contact?

WTF did I just read.

Seriously, you need higher standards. It’s not ok to control YOUR time because he wants you to parent his child. He should be allowing the mother more quality weekend time, and leaving you alone to plan your life.

This is not a healthy relationship with a nice guy.

Wake up OP.

It sounds like he doesn’t want to parent his son solo.

It’s perfectly usual for one adult to go away/out and the other solo parent. You aren’t even one of the parents!!!

i think we all know that the OP is using DSS as shorthand for “my boyfriends child”

This is batshit! Even with biological children it’s perfectly reasonable to spend time away from them! Why do you always have to be a 3? Surely he can parent his DS alone?! If I was that kid I’d also want some 1:1 time with my Dad. OP I’d cut this one loose.

You sound like my NDNs! She hardly sees her kids as she has split custody yet another weekend of the kids being shipped off to relatives so she could come back and make a rammy until 2am!! We made sure to watch a movie 6am onwards so she got no rest.

Have you read a different op? He doesn’t want to take his son to the caravan on his own.

I'd end the relationship

Everyone is entitled to some child free adult holiday time if it's doable ... especially when the child isn't even yours ... and he is being very unreasonable and controlling. Especially as he doesn't want you not being with him and the child ever by the sound of it.

He sounds like an amazing dad

This 100 %.
There are some ridiculous comments on here - telling OP she's not ready to be a step parent because she wants one weekend without the child. At the mother's suggestion! After having DSS for 2 weeks!
Go away by yourself OP, or with a relative/friend. Let DP have a lovely bonding weekend with his son. Make him feel guilty for not wanting that.

Blimey hes mugging you right off op.

Your OH is being totally unreasonable.

I assume they made time for you as a couple when you were first getting to know one another. It is important to take time together as a couple.

My DC are older now. We plan something together every month.

It is fair for your DH to spend time alone with his DS without you.

Will your DH make plans for family time for the three of you? He should book the caravan and you should go overnight to see your friends and family.