Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

maybe we were too into 90s tv?

Same here. No one would do this.

@MissyOnTheBus
He was in the same room.

She wasn't really on as much in the 90s even. Come on now.

I’m at a loss you’ve written a thread asking if he’s overreacted.
Surely you’re aware of what he’s currently worrying about. You need to apologise profusely and be far more sensitive to his feelings in future.

Hmmm I think (possibly subconsciously) you wanted the precise reaction you elicited.

OP you say you have ADHD but have you also explored autism? I think I'd be on high alert whenever DH was in the room to not misspeak when his mum is dying. You seem to not understand why it's so emotionally significant to him?

Yeah you need to apologise. No excuses. That was shit for him.

As i tell my 8yo
"Just because you've said sorry doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore"

He justifiably needs time and space to calm down and deal with it, whether or not it was an accident on your part.

That’s what I mean. OP wouldn’t have referred to Judith Chalmers as just Judith.

I agree. It’s one hell of a mistake to make.

It’s very strange that you have a family member with a not that popular name but your sister and you would both immediately think of a celebrity from decades ago before that family member.

Maybe as a new rule you should not announce the death of anyone.

I don't think your DH is overreacting and I do think you should keep apologising because you gave him a terrible fright. The terror for him was the same regardless whether you acted from malice or thoughtlessness. You know you have a problem with speaking before thinking but you haven't explained how you have tried to overcome this. If your parents are still alive imagine how you would feel if someone told you one of them had died, followed by a quick "Sorry, that was a mistake".

My exact thoughts.

I think his reaction is understandable given what he heard and what his gut reaction would have been. You may not have meant harm but you inadvertently caused it.

I also think just using her first name is weird. Makes me not really believe this story. I also thought of “David’s Dead” 🤣

My best friend and I were obsessed with X factor in our teens and still enjoy BGT now. We probably talked about Simon Cowell way too much, and love him a little bit too much. But even now, if he died, I still can’t imagine saying “oh my, Simon is dead”… it would be “oh my, Simon Cowell is dead.”

Nope.

If I said to any single person I know that 'Judith is dead' they'd have zero idea who I was talking about unless they or I had a close relative by that name.
I absolutely refuse to believe that you referred to Judith Chalmers as 'Judith' and you seriously cannot blame that on ADHD or any other condition.

He's obviously not thinking straight is he as why would Op know & not him?

Why would she say it in the middle of a conversation as if she had just been informed?

I don't think you need to beg for forgiveness from him.

I mean if you've always been like this he can't be surprised that one time you might say something that upsets him or he misunderstands.

So he needs to be rational at all times or you will judge him harshly, but you have a get out of jail card.

How very handy for you.

He's massively overreacted. My mum once excitedly told me that 'Fiona'had had a baby boy and I was like, who the heck is Fiona? She meant Fiona Phillips. She really liked her.

Your parent dying is a life-defining Big Deal.
He was expecting you to understand the significance of his situation. But you dont. You didnt just "speak without thinking" you showed him that his life events are not at the front if your mind.
In his shoes, Im not sure I would get over that.

How is that even remotely the same?

Which is rather different from saying the name of somebody who has died in earshot of someone who knows it could be his Mum soon

That could not be less relevant to this situation. You might as well have said ‘I like cheese’.

Because some people can become so attached to favourite celebrities that they refer to them by their first name! Do you understand now?!

He’s massively overreacted

His Mum is seriously unwell in a HDU.